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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

MY PERSONAL DIARY OF 1996



1 January (Monday)

My prayers to Lord Ganapathi to bless me with a clear path of life through which I can travel without any obstacles. My prayers to Goddess Saraswati to bless me with good brain for success in my educational life. My prayers to Lord Krishna to give me a moral and spiritual life. My prayers to my parents who gave me an opportunity to live in this world for some years. My prayers to all my college lecturers who provide me with awareness and knowledge about this world by which I can live a sensible and sensitive life as far as I can manage. My best wishes to all my friends. My kisses to my brothers. My heart is dedicated to my sweetheart Lakshmi.

2 January (Tuesday)

Many say that college life is a golden age in one’s life. It may be right in one way. At this stage of one’s life, one enjoys oneself a lot. One’s mind begins to think in a peculiar direction. One’s heart wishes to taste the flavor of love and romance. It aspires to live in a dreamland. It does not listen to the words of conscience. It desires to enjoy every moment of life with sweet conversations with close friends and relatives. The male heart stops and stares at those attractive figures of young girls and ladies. The tricky age orders one to move toward cinemas. It does not care about the tragic qualities of human life. It plays, laughs and surprises others. It shows a little interest even on education. It does not foresee any difficulties in its course of earthly journey.

3 January (Wednesday)

An eternal word in this cosmos is ‘love’. But, at present, it mostly lost its real and holy meaning. Attracting a girl and pacifying the intensity of internal soul through tasting her beauty and later running after another creature is the present practice of many. It is just like hunting. These days real love is being considered as foolishness. Only one, that wins the heart of a girl through some good or bad trials and then lives with her, as he likes, for some time, in a visible and appreciable manner, is the hero of love to the present world. In Kali Yuga (the last stage of the flow of worldly time after which the world ceases to exist according to the Hindu scriptures) genuine and true love lies in one’s heart only. It is rarely seen through acts in the outer world. It cannot stand against the strength of evil love. Evil love aims at physical attachment. True love gives more importance to the long-term human bonds based on the overall understanding of the psyche of the other person than physical tendencies. It is mostly related to mind and considerably to the body. A true lover is a blend of the personalities of an esthete, romantic, philosopher, realist, idealist, saint and visionary. A false lover is a blend of the qualities of a hypocrite, opportunist, sensualist, hedonist, egoist and monarch. In the present world, a false lover wins the race of love in majority of the cases. A true lover wins very few cases. A deep thought into these abstract things of human life leads one into chaos and disturbance. One often arrives at contradictory conclusions in these lines of thought.

4 January (Thursday) – 5 January (Friday)

God is kind and present everywhere. He safeguards everybody to His level best. This is what many believe in this world. Some do not agree to this argument. They look for such evidences, which prove that there is no God. Whatever the arguments may be in this regard, it is agreeable to majority of the humanity that there is certain supernatural power beyond the visibility and accessibility of these earthly beings. It is directing the course of occurrences in this world in some sense carrying some essence in it. Personally I believe in God. Nothing goes on in this world without His commands. None can be kept hidden from His cosmic view. He is basically very kind. Occasionally He goes angry. I do not expect others’ comments in this regard. An absolute truth can’t be argued on. I take Him as the representation of that pervasive truth. He rules this cosmos. He creates both good and bad in and around the humans. Many bad people are there in this world to make the few good ones realize the reality of the nature of this world. If God is a mountain, all these earthly beings and things are like wee creatures in and around it. He has a great soul. He can pardon sinners also. All these living beings are His beloved creatures. A mother loves all her sons and daughters alike. The same is attributable to God also. To take birth in this beautiful landscape (comprising vast tempting world) is a great boon in itself given by God and often forgotten or unacknowledged by man. Man is in the lap of nature. To smile in it or weep is left to man based on his destiny or invested efforts. I pray such great God to give me good education. Learning makes us endearing to others. May God always direct me like a visionary guide and benevolent dictator.

6 January (Saturday) and 7 January (Sunday)

I have about 40 friends from my residential school. Though I can’t see them today, the addresses of all those persons are in a book. It is carefully kept in a box. ‘Friendship’ is a great word. One can keep one’s heart totally open before one’s best friends only. Sorrows and pleasures can be shared by and cared for between or among the best friends only. Separation is an integral facet of the concept or practice of friendship. In the present, friendship is like a pond, full of water. In retrospect, it is like a desert. Enjoying the present is like playing with the cool water in a hot summer and thinking of it later is like seeing a desert from distance and hoping that it is beautiful and enjoyable. One should not go to a desert. One should see it from distance for a little time and feel happy. So, one should not think much about one’s past of good friendship because one fails to live in the present through it, which nears one to death at the earliest. Bhoopatipalem is a hamlet surrounded by eight hills all around. Fear and solitude are the contents of my heart when I studied there. When I think of it now, it is a lost paradise. If I think much about it now, sorrow fills my heart. The pain of one’s heart bothers one more, than the wounds of body. 

8 January (Monday)

Infatuation is something that binds all human hearts. If a pretty girl in a beautiful Punjabi dress is simply walking on her way back to home after her college, if some males happen to observe her from some distance, they generally like to see her face also because they already liked her gait from distance. Their assessment of the beauty of the face of the girl is irrational and their enthusiasm to see her face is seasonal based on the universal concept “infatuation”. If a male walks in the same route, they do not even think that a considerable creature is there on the road. They think that there is nothing. None thinks about her character, money, education, religion, caste, race, language, tone or anything of that nature, but only about her seducing aspect from distance. The imagination about or reality of the beauty of the opposite gender incites one to relate oneself to the other in some or other way. But a sincere lover or a serious follower of that girl begins to analyze even the other qualities of that girl because he wants to live with her forever which requires him to understand her in every aspect related to her body and mind. If she could fascinate his heart even by her natural or unnatural qualities shown by her or visualized by the fellow, he extends his attachment with that particular person. Later that affection or relation or fascination or bond or attachment makes them desire to live together and die together. If their society or family plays the villain role, they take the roles of hero and heroine. This is how infatuation leads to attachment and that to a permanent bond in a few circumstances. That is about the bonds of youth while they are in their prime.

9 January (Tuesday)

One can be respected only then when one is giving the same respect even to others. This is twentieth century. There are many peculiarities associated to this age. Money came into the leading position in human relationships. Moral values are useless contents to be thrown away into a dustbin according to the modern youth. One has to struggle hard to earn money and sustain one’s life. In some places and races, pure relationships are still there, which can’t be evaluated in monetary calculations. Real happiness lies in staying or spending with innocent and ignorant masses in villages and tribes of interior places. Gradually they are also falling in the vicious net of modern civilization and culture.

10 January (Wednesday)

Human nature takes different shades depending on the moods of the occasions or truths of one’s life which can never be changed by one or even by others. Change is its common characteristic in majority of the cases. Anger, pity, retaliation, compromise, admiration, hate, jealousy and renunciation are a few qualities that human nature moves around, rationally or irrationally. Human nature can be compared to a young monkey. Nobody knows why it does certain things. Meditation is good to keep human mind under control. Another nature is related to the material world, which possesses every earthly entity around us. God created it to keep His living creatures comfortable and happy. Beauty is its asset. Sweet sounds of parrots and peacocks are some of its attractions. It is a great joy to sit by seashore and hear the noise of tides in the evening. Nature is not limited to man’s joy only. It provides shelter to many creatures. Everybody likes to spend in the lap of nature always but nature proves that it is not possible to it to fulfill such human desires. One can tour a big forest at daytime and if he stays back in the same place even during the night, he can’t withstand its scary ambience.

11 January (Thursday)

Human life on this soil is a wonder in itself. God set a number of attractions and distractions around it to keep man always engaged in something. Cheer and sorrow are the two dominating factors of its journey. Man always tries to go toward pleasures crossing the hurdles of woes on his long way of life. An infant comes into this world from the dark womb of its mother. Then others call it he or she. Slowly the personal and societal borders and restrictions are clearly demarcated around him or her based on gender specifications and demands. Childhood and teenage teach many lessons and take away many assets of one’s restlessly wavering mind and body. Then one crosses the age of 20. Then he or she gets connected with another creature by the custom of marriage. Then come forth children. They grow up and become parents making their parents grandparents. This is an endless cycle of human births and deaths. If one’s heart is good, one can live happily because he sees everything as something that is contributing to his life to go ahead in a good or a bad way. Belief in God provides one with psychic support when everything or everybody around looks bewildering and misguiding. A spoilt or misguided person seeks joy from troubles and sufferings of others because he failed to see the world in its happy mood.

12 January (Friday)

These days another important problem is about jobs. Many parents of daughters are trying to choose a boy with a great job. Only a jobholder can get salary every month on the last date. He can maintain clean and attractive clothes on his body. His gait would be stylish. His words would be polished compared to those of the ordinary people. He tries to satisfy the wants of his spouse in every possible way. The present parents want a son-in-law with these qualities. So, the goal of the present-day youth is somehow getting a good job. Otherwise it is becoming difficult to these people to get married to beautiful girls. May God bless these poor creatures!

13 January (Saturday)

This date is a sweet one for me. It was on 13 July 1993 I accidentally met a pretty girl who looked at me in an attractive manner. If anybody asks me if I loved any girl at any time I would certainly say the name of this girl. It was love started after one glimpse at her. That is related to my heart. Now a happy entry into my successful and bright new year’s daily routine. May God bless and direct me always.

14 January (Sunday) – 15 January (Monday)

They gave us one week of holidays at our junior college. I did some written work during these holidays. I misused most of the time. Went here and there on bicycle. Went to Elamanchili and saw two Telugu films “Adavi Dora” and “Sisindhree”. This year I lost 40 rupees in the game of dice on Sankranti day. Last year I got 15 rupees in the same game. I could not find this Sankranti as jovial as it had been last year. Also, this academic year, I went astray. I saw many bad films. They affected me in some way. I earned a good place in the hearts of our lecturers. They firmly believe that I would get a first class even this year. Even my wish is the same. But it is God that can do anything for me, not merely my desires. God only decides my future. If there is worth in my individuality, let it be saved and enhanced in the kind direction of my Lord Gopal. Let my economic problems be solved.

16 January (Tuesday)

I am devotee of Lord Krishna. When I was 13, I was very active in spiritual matters. Blind Appanna Swamy was my Guru. I participated in many devotional activities like Bajans (a way of Hindu worship in which a group of devotees sit and chant the name of their favorite God collectively creating a harmonious sound of combined voice. There may be some musical instruments of local nature also to add melody to the spiritual quality of the gathering) and Gita Pathanaas (reading Bhagvad Gita) in temples and homes at various places. It was a segment of my life when I mostly spent in the company of good people and observation of practices aimed at God. Then I was very innocent. I still remember my lonely walk toward the Mandal Praja Parishad Upper Primary School at Gollalagunta in Jaggampeta Mandal of East Godavari District with those shirt and shorts. They were the moments of my real childhood when ignorance and innocence made me see the world in its fanciful and attractive form. Those are the days of ignorant people and simple lives. They are all sweet memories of my childhood.

17 January (Wednesday)

My brother Srinivas came to our house on the 10th of this month on one-month leave. He went to the house of his in-laws to celebrate Sankranti along with them. Our fourth unit exams will be held from the 18th of this month. I won’t take them because I did not prepare well. I could not find this Pongal happy. I don’t see any reason for why it had been so. May Lord Krishna bless me. May Lord Shiva bless me. May Mother Saraswati love and rule me. I am a mischievous fellow of all these divine beings. May Lord Ganesh keep my path of personal journey barrier free. May the blessings of all my gurus be upon me, which enable me to achieve my desired educational levels. If there is pride in me, let it be removed automatically. Let others believe in me as it had been always.

18 January (Thursday) – 19 January (Friday)

Chanting the name of my Lord Krishna is always good and auspicious to me because He is my caretaker and director of my life. Every minute He directed me in a fine way. He helped me get a place in the residential school at Bhoopatipalem. Otherwise I would have remained as a common and worthless bloke. I am very grateful to Him for it. He gave me satisfactory result after the first year Intermediate examinations. That unbearable failure in Polytechnic entrance examination was compensated with this success. Pardon me God if I committed any mistakes. Let me write the name of my God to regain the lost peace in my heart. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Om Sri Krishnaaya Namahaa.

20 January (Saturday)

Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana.  Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana. Hari Om Sri Krishna Para Brahmaaya Namahaa.

21 January (Sunday)

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. On the occasion of the birth of a new English Year, I continue my pursuit of mentioning my daily activities from today onwards in this personal diary. My salutes to Lord Krishna. I also salute Lord Shiva and Mother Saraswati. Went to sleep by 9:00.

22 January (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00 and then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:30. Went to college. I came to know that fourth unit exams are going on. I did not prepare well. So, I am not taking these unit tests. Moved to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Orey Rickshaw” of Narayana Murthy. It was good. Came back to station and awaited train for a long time. Bokaro-Alleppey Express arrived by 4:10. Reached home by 4:40. These days my mind is not under my control. It is not paying much attention to studies. May God bless and direct me in a perfect path. Night watched television for sometime. Spent a calm day. Went to bed by 9:00.

23 January (Tuesday)

Got up by 6:30. Today I did not go to college. Today unit tests of civics and economics would go on. I did not prepare them at all. Morning went to Adduroad and brought 20 bananas and one and a quarter kilogram of jaggery to home for some purpose. Remained at home rest of the day. Rested on cot for sometime. Then noted down the meanings of difficult words in the English lesson “On Saying Please” from the dictionaries I have. Today it was hot. Spent much of my time sitting alone in our easy chair. May Lord Krishna bless me. May Mother Saraswati bless me. May Lord Vigneswara bless me. Night watched Telugu cine songs on Hyderabad Doordarshan in the program “Chitra Sourabhalu”. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

24 January (Wednesday)

Got up by 6:00. Even today I did not go to college. Fourth unit test would be conducted today. Started to Adduroad by 7:15 on bicycle along with my uncle Narayana Murthy. Had my haircut and returned home by 10:00. My brother Srinivas and sister-in-law Sandhya Rani came home by 11:00. These two creatures look made for each other. My mind has been upset and sad for the last ten days. Let it be set right by the blessings of my Lord Krishna. Today I spent at home much of the time. Oh my God! Save me. My heart went astray. Please put it back in a right way. How long can I be so? What about my education? This life is in Your hands. Direct it in a good and decent way. Night watched television for sometime. Today I wasted the full day. Spent a silent day. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 January (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. Then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Today I bought a monthly season ticket. Reached college by 10:45. Today Civics, Telugu, English and Economics classes went on. Today they announced that the Common Hope Examinations would be held from the 8th of the coming month. Came back to railway station by 2:30. Went to the hotel by station road and had four rupees of tiffin. It included one plain dosa and two idlies. Tirumala Express arrived by 3:45. Reached home by 4:15. The annual examinations are approaching fast. There is enormous material to prepare. May God bless me with good memory by which I can get good marks producing the stored content in my head on to the answer sheets during my exams.

26 January (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Today it is the Republic Day of India. So, I need not go to college. It was said that the national flag would be hoisted at our college by 8:30. Stayed at home all the day. Morning Lakshmi, mother of my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, came from Molleru Mallavaram along with Dora, the domestic help at their home sent from our village. My mother prepared some special dishes. Morning I prepared civics notes and collected meanings for difficult English words from dictionaries. Today it was hot. Morning watched the programs related to Republic Day Celebrations in New Delhi on television. From 2:30 to 5:40 some of our family members and I watched the Hindi feature film “Sholay” of Amitabh Bachchan and Dharmendra on Delhi Doordarshan. Then we watched Telugu cine songs on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

27 January (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Moved to the State Bank of India in Elamanchili and did some bank draft work entrusted to me by my brother Srinivas. Went to college by 11:10. Today Civics, English, Economics and History classes went on. Came back to railway station by 2:30. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 4:30. Today it is Ratha Sapthami (an auspicious day according to Telugu calendar), which would be celebrated by traditional Hindu married women. Went to bed by 9:00.

28 January (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. From 11:00 to 12:00 listened to Telugu cine songs on Hyderabad radio. Afternoon watched a Manipuri feature film on Delhi Doordarshan. From 3:30 to 4:30 listened to the Telugu play “Neethi Rekhalu” on Hyderabad radio. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Aalaya Shikaram” of Chiranjeevi. It was very good. Went to sleep by 9:00.

29 January (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:40. Moved to college. Today Civics, English, History and Economics classes went on. Came back to station by 3:30. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 4:30. Today all the day rolled on well by the blessings of my Lord Krishna. I led a good life so far. Everywhere that great God directed me happily. Let the same God save me even this academic year. He gave me a valuable life. Let it be fostered and moulded by Him. The quality of my life depends on my performance in education. May my Lord Krishna direct me well even this academic year. My prayers to Lord Ganesh. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Spent a fine day. Went to bed by 9:00.

30 January (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. Then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:30. Reached public library by 10:10. Moved to college by 10:30. Today Civics, English, Economics and History classes went on. Came back to railway station by 3:15. Reached home by 4:30 by Tirumala Express. Today my uncle Rama Krishnam Raju and uncle Varma came from Gollalagunta on scooter to see my brother Srinivas and sister-in-law Sandhya Rani. Night watched television for sometime. At night, from 10:00 onwards, the Telugu feature film “Veta Gaadu” of Chiranjeevi, was showed on a cloth screen, in our village, on an occasion. God is eternal. He keeps and directs this cosmos in His style. My prayers to such great God. Let His blessings be with me. Went to bed by 9:00.

31 January (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. Then started to NRPM station. Today Tirumala Express had left the station at its right time (9:18). Luckily today Godavari Express was running four hours late. It arrived by 9:50. Went to college and came to know that it observes a holiday today due to the effect of a strike by the degree college students against the issue of issuance of T.C. (Transfer Certificate) to a student. Spent sometime in the public library. Then moved to cinema Tulasi Chitra Mandir and saw the English film “The Indecent Woman”. It is a good film. Came back to railway station by 1:00. Waited for train for a long time. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 4:30. Today it is “Bheeshma Ekaadasi” (a holy day on which Bheeshma, a great figure of the Maha Bharatha, breathed his last on a bed of arrows, worshipping Lord Vishnu). Today a grand annual fair takes place in village Marripaka (this is a nearby village to Gollalagunta where I studied. Here a fair takes place every year on this particular day. I used to go to see it when I studied there). Also today is the last day of this month. I spent this month well. January 8, 1996, is a memorable day in my life (around 7:20 that night I called the father of Lakshmi out from their house and talked with him about my admiration for his eldest daughter. He said (lied) that his daughter does not know my name also. I explained him my love for his daughter for half an hour. He took me as a worthless bloke because I don’t have a job and also because our caste is superior to theirs. I was shocked to hear the absolute lies being uttered by that rogue. But, I felt happy to know that I could tell the father of my beloved that I loved his daughter and wanted to marry her). Went to sleep by 9:00. My happy entry into February.

1 February (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM station by 8:55. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:18. Moved to college. Today there was no effect of the strike on the functioning of our college. Today English, Telugu, Economics, Civics and History classes went on. Reached station by 3:30. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 4:30. Recently cold caught me and so I am becoming weak day by day. Today I took three tablets for the prevention of this cold. Lakshmi is my goddess. I admired her like a devotee. Human soul is beyond the questions of caste, region and religion. Everybody has the same energizing force inside. Then why should one care about these differences among people? Oh my Lord Krishna! Make her mine if it is in my destiny. Only You can attend this project. Bless me. Do it soon for me. Show her in my dream at least. Went to sleep by 9:00.

2 February (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 8:50. Then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:10. Reached Elamanchili by 10:40. Moved to college. Today Economics, English and History classes went on. Afternoon had one rupee of bananas and one rupee of lemon soda. Came back to station by 3:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 3:50. Reached home by 4:30. My college friend Ramesh Kumar of Peda Gummuluru came to our house to talk with my brother Srinivas about the possibility of his joining army. Today a special thing happened at Elamanchili railway station. I saw a pup with its left hind leg lost. The other one would have been crushed by train while it was crossing railway track. This accident would have occurred in its life some four months ago. It was a pathetic scene for me to witness. I bought some eatables for two rupees from a nearby shop and offered it. It readily accepted my offering. May God bless it. Went to sleep by 9:00. My prayers to Lord Krishna.

3 February (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM station by 9:45. Came to know that Tirumala Express would arrive around 11:30. Went to the nearby bus stop and took a sharing auto rickshaw to Adduroad. From there took a Visakhapatnam bound bus. Attended the Civics class by 11:35. Thereafter Economics, History, Telugu and English classes went on. Today I bought three group test papers (the preparation books for history, economics and civics in which the questions and answers are given from the question papers of the previous public examinations. It is understandable that some of the same questions appear even in the following examinations. Those that want a considerable success in the exams with a little effort and the ones that have hardly any thirst for in-depth knowledge of the concerning subjects depend on them. I belong to this category in my studies) at Vijaya Lakshmi Book Stall. Reached station by 3:13. Had three rupees of tiffin. Tirumala Express arrived by 3:50. Reached home by 4:30. Today it is Maagha Pournami (an auspicious day according to Telugu calendar). Night a glittering and magnificent fair takes place at Revu Polavaram (this is a small village by coast in a distance of ten kilometers from ours. People from the adjacent villages and distant regions reach this spot during the night of the full moon day. When bright moonlight is cast in the sky and the manmade lighting effects make the earth a place of celebration by the seashore in which animated and cheerful boys and girls and men and women move here and there buying, watching, playing, talking or imagining something or the other, it is a great pleasure to be among them, belonging to them in some sense, and exploring bliss from that collective euphoria. I often failed to attend this amazing event of the moonlit night. I am sensitive to sleep. I would become weak if I spend a whole night without sleep. I take two days to recover from that effect. If I ever avoided the night of this jubilation, it could be because I have some other work the following day, which I think important, rationally or irrationally, in comparison to this great occasion. It is a great joy to hear the enticing resonance of the tides during night in such ambience. To spend with our relatives or friends or sweetheart in such fairs is something that should not be missed. It is all people one finds everywhere in this hamlet during that night and the following day. It is vehicles everywhere bringing in the people and carrying them away from the spot. The small road would be congested with the flow of visitors and vehicles. Enthusiasts spend there at night rejoicing in the moonlight and breezes and observe holy ablutions in the sea the following morning. There is a mound and a temple on it in this spot. Devotees visit this temple and worship the presiding deity in it. When one goes to this village on other days, the fishermen look busy with their chores by the seashore or at their homes. This location looks attractive to newcomers even on other days. But ecstasy surrounds this hamlet on that breezy night and the bright day following it. It is the people of various places who have no bonds among themselves that add beauty to some places on some occasions, I believe. I feel like going along with those people to some unfamiliar place and spend like an unknown man touring those new places of wonder, which are abundant in vast India. Every spot carries history or mystery with it. Who can write about them except sensing the spirit of the places in the depth of the hearts? Festivals associated with sea are special attractions for me. Seas are the representations of eternity making man a wee creature before them against their age, treasures and mysteries hidden in them. When I went to this village on other days on some work, there was silence all through the village and by seashore despite the presence of the villagers and some tourists. It is perhaps waiting for that special night and day that occurs once in a year. I question myself, “Where are my people to whom I belonged that night?” The answer comes readily, “You cannot bring them back. Explore your mind. They are buried there as memories. They are obscure and intangible entities lacking veracity of their own and a heap of shadows and lies that can’t be visualized to or believed by others. Much of human life is associated with these shadows of untruth and mystery. One can enjoy the beauty of these village fairs and festivals but can’t buy or arrange them when one wants them). I too went there in the early morning (which belongs to the following day). This time I failed to enjoy the luminous night.

4 February (Sunday)

Woke up by 3:00. By 3:30 my uncle Narayana Murthy and I started to Revu Polavaram on our bicycles to take a holy dip in the sea on the auspicious occasion of Maagha Pournami. We enjoyed the journey and the vivacity of the populace playing and taking ablutions at the seashore. Returned home by 9:00. Afternoon went to the weekly market at Adduroad and bought vegetables. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Prajaa Prathinidhi” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was good. Went to sleep by 9:00.

5 February (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00 and then started to NRPM station. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Reached Elamanchili and moved to college. Today Civics, Telugu and History classes went on. Came back to station by 3:15. Tirumala Express arrived by 3:40. Reached home by 4:20. Today I took out batteries from our radio to keep it quiet for sometime. I can’t withstand the temptation and keep away from it when I know that it can give me melodious songs of various languages. This is the only alternative to convince myself that it can’t sing any more to entertain my unruly mind against the examinations ahead. Today I did not watch television also. Night did some written work. The annual examinations are nearing. This year I did not prepare well from the beginning as I did in my first year Intermediate. There are many questions and answers to prepare. I don’t know how to finish them and take the final exams. May God save and direct me well. Went to bed by 9:15.

6 February (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. Then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:40. Reached Elamanchili and went to college. Today English, Telugu, Economics, Civics and History classes went on. Today I had a guava of half a rupee during lunchtime. Reached station by 3:15. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 4:40. Watched Telugu cine songs on Hyderabad Doordarshan for sometime. My thought follows, “Age brings different vicissitudes into human lives. Childhood passes silently and unknowingly. Then adolescence arrives and brings various unexpected changes into one’s life. One of such changes is the occurrence of blow of love. Many fail in getting their love solidified through marriage. Some blokes never like to see marriage as a follow-up action to love. It is a game of mutual enjoyment for them. Sincere lovers wish to marry but fail because their strategies and thoughts are based on rational and virtuous estimates of societal considerations. True lovers rarely succeed in this society of sham and hypocrisy”. Went to bed by 9:30.

7 February (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. Then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:20. Reached library by 10:00. Spent there till 10:30. Then moved to college. Came to know that today our college observes a holiday. Came back to railway station. Began to wait for Bokaro-Alleppey Express. It arrived by 2:00. Reached home by 2:30. Had my lunch. Rested for sometime. Then did written work of English notes. This afternoon I bought four biscuits for one rupee and offered to the crippled pup at Elamanchili railway station. I found a one-rupee coin bearing Ambedkar’s image on my way back to railway station. I thought God put it there to be picked up by me and spent for a helpless creature in His mysterious creation. Night watched some programs on Hyderabad and Delhi Doordarshans. Went to bed by 9:00.

8 February (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I have Hope (the name itself suggests what it means. These examinations are conducted to test the hopes of success of the helpless students. They precede annual examinations. One would have about one month’s time to prepare after them. One can visualize one’s future after checking the marks achieved in these exams. Many avoid taking these exams altogether to escape from the stress of visions and the related apprehensions) examination. Started to NRPM station by 11:30. Tuni-Vizag DMU passenger arrived by 12:40. From 2:00 to 3:30 did the District Common Hope Examination of English. I did not prepare at all for this examination and so wrote something guessing something to make a mess of something on the answer sheets which might look something considerable when the lecturer evaluates it in her mental state of high disturbance caused by other affairs of her busy life rather than keeping the contents on the paper in mind because she intuitively knows that no creature with a soul in his or her visible body ever does hope exams with the hope of gaining some respect in the heart of the concerning lecturer. Reached station by 4:15. Bought four biscuits for one rupee and fed the crippled pup at the station. May God bless it with cheerful life supported by fortitude. My special prayers to Lord Gopal requesting Him to attend this poor creature taking casual leave from His other pressing duties. Godavari Express arrived by 5:10. Reached home by 5:40. Today, in our village, a Telugu film is being showed on cloth screen near the temple of Lord Rama. May God bring Lakshmi there. She comes along with her mother and sisters and sits in a shadowy corner among the crowd on ground by temple. She exhibits international level innocence as if nothing happened in this world despite knowing that there is pain in her heart, which can’t be detected by doctors but can be carefully stored by her within herself to question and pity herself when she remains alone and thinks of my physical distance from her. Watched it. Went to sleep by 12:00.

9 February (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home till 11:15 reclining and listening to cine songs on radio. I think somebody in our house put those batteries back in it. Tuni-Vizag DMU passenger arrived by 1:00. Went to college and did the Hope Telugu paper from 2:00 to 3:00. I did not prepare this subject. So, I did not do this examination sitting till the end. May God bless me. Reached home by 4:15 by Tirumala Express. God is very kind one. He is the guide for me. Let Him direct me. Let Him see her be happy. Let a chance be given to both of us to talk something before she distances herself forever from me after her marriage soon. Who can help me? Only that great Lord Krishna no! My sad prayers to Him. He is not solving my problem. Let Him direct me toward bright future supported by education. Night watched television for sometime. Today I spent an unhappy and miserable day. Went to bed by 9:00. Om. Om.

10 February (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Raja Venkata Nagaram by 9:00. Spent there till 1:00. Then came back to Adduroad and saw the Telugu film “Shubhamasthu”. It is a good film. Reached home by 5:30. (This night, around 7:30, a historical event took place in my life. I am not somehow convinced that Lakshmi does not know even my name which her father told me in the evening hours on the 8th of last month when I talked with him privately under the big tamarind tree opposite their house. Am I living in my dreamland or what regarding my love for her? Has she no love for me? I wanted to know this from her voice so that my heart can be consoled forever believing that she did not love me at all. I can be happy knowing that I loved her. A truth should not die. I should know it from my goddess whom I admired in my heart. These fellows are villains. They always lie fearing the societal considerations. So, I went to their house like a shameless dog though I was already beaten up for half an hour during my conversation with her father on the other day. I am a slave to the love of that girl. I should have the quality of a dog in believing in her love for me and should not hesitate to face shame being created by her parents. There was light darkness around their house. I think her sister was there. I told her to call her father out. Once he came out, I told him, “Call your daughter out for once”. He told that he would call our father who is his friend and colleague in the sugar factory. He warned that he would call the other folks around. My heart turned half-dead visualizing the scene going to be created with the presence of our neighbors. I thought I did not deserve the love of Lakshmi. She is beautiful, educated and is going to be married soon to a rich guy. I don’t have a job. My father beats me and orders me to go away from the house if he knows all this, cruelly narrated by this villain. My father has no such noble, liberal and refined mentality to support me in this case. Does Lakshmi need all this from me? Let her be happy somewhere. What if she did not talk with me? My heart knows that she admired me and it is enough for an admirer like me. I did not even talk with her to know whether she loved me or not! There is not even one percent evidence to prove the society that she loved me. Then how can I prove this to her parents at their house? Pure admiration can seldom procure evidences to prove its existence or suffering to others. Society wants and believes in proofs. I am a failure. Lakshmi is a symbol of success. She could keep her pain in her heart. She can love a helpless creature like me but can’t say her parents that she wants to marry a penniless bloke like me. She can’t tell her parents that I would get a job after some ten years and so she wants to wait till then without getting married. She has two younger sisters. Their marriages get affected if she takes a wrong step now. She is also financially totally dependent on her parents. She is very sensitive in her heart. She knows only to love me. She can’t take risky measures to talk with me somehow or to tell the society that she loved me. It is all useless stuff in fact in this context. She wants to obey the orders of her parents to get rid of all this chaos. She has nothing to speak with me. Her silence is a symbol of her helplessness. She is a parrot. She can live happily in that forest of her destined relatives. My relationship with her is transitory and abstract devoid of proofs and attachments. May God bless her. Meanwhile her mother came out and asked me bluntly, “Have you not taken birth in the clan of Kshatriyas?” (The exact Telugu words delivered from her mouth were “Nuvvu Raasa Vamshamlo Puttaledhaa”). I did not like to extend that scene any more. These bitter words by her mother made me virtually dead. Should I do all this for the baseless love of my imaginations? I could not stay there any more. So, rushed out of that place. I was deeply disturbed recollecting the worst kind of humiliation aimed at my sensitive heart. Rushed to our village Panchayat office to spend there for sometime and balance myself. The name of the father of Lakshmi is Polisetty Naidu. Her mother’s name is Sarojini. The names of her two younger sisters are Baby and Madhavi. They belong to Kapu community. Her father told me that society outcastes them if I marry her (this clarification by him was during my previous encounter with him under the tamarind tree). I could not find rationality in his argument. It should be my problem because I belong to upper caste compared to theirs. I am writing this not because I am interested in the filthy concept of superiority or inferiority of one fellow to the other based on castes but to clarify the underlying facts to understand the behavior and mentality of the senseless and brainless idiots living in villages. Naidu has unethical affair with a married woman in our village. He daily goes to the house of that woman. Her caste is inferior to his. She belongs to washermen community. She has her husband and three grown-up children at home. This dog has three daughters at his home and a living wife. It is not wrong if he runs an immoral relationship publicly with another woman. Society does not question or outcaste him for this public crime. Both of them are married. So, there is no problem due to their affair. Wife at home is formality and other women to enjoy are additional resources! An innocent boy like me should not love his daughter. His daughter should not reveal the desire of her heart to her parents because it is a taboo a girl speaking to her parents about her love, which is socially undesirable. When a boy can’t question the society in this order of rational argument, how can an innocent and sensitive girl like Lakshmi do it? Who saw if poor creature Lakshmi cried many times being unable to understand and withstand this universal issue being created and perpetuated by orthodox, unethical and irrational society? I should never blame her in my life because she did/could not speak with me. I failed to talk with her when she was in access to me. I lacked strategy and vision. Lovers need great strategy to win against the evil forces of their families and society around. Thereafter my association (imaginary) with Lakshmi was permanently disconnected. I stopped looking at her and their house. Thereafter she has been just a shadow to me in physical sense. I stopped looking at her because I gave that word to her parents (indirectly) coming back from their house that night without seeing her. I am not eligible to marry her. I failed in my love. Only I feel the pain of that failure). Went to sleep by 10:00.

11 February (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Stayed at home all the day. Morning watched “Rangoli” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 3:00 to 3:30 listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Thereafter listened to Telugu play “Kalahaala Kaapuram”. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Saptha Swaraalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was fantastic. Today I spent happily. Went to sleep by 9:30.

12 February (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 11:30 and then started to NRPM station. Tuni-Vizag DMU passenger arrived by 12:50. Went to college by 2:00. Because of that heavy jolt of February 10 incident, I could not prepare my subjects. I did not take the Hope economics paper today. May Lord Krishna and Mother Saraswati bless and direct me toward annual examinations. Came back to station by 4:20. Godavari Express arrived by 5:25. Reached home by 6:00. It was cloudy today. I thought that it would certainly rain today but it did not happen. Lord Krishna! This is humiliation to Your believer. If You do not react in some way, it should be believed that Your existence is questionable or that You remain neutral to the suffering of Your followers allowing the time to heal them. Then You can’t be considered intelligent. You are also innocent like me. You don’t know what to do when Your creature is in mess. Or it may be that You have some other long-term plan for me, which I can’t understand or foresee today. You are a visionary fellow. One can’t understand You that easily. Went to sleep by 9:00.

13 February (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 11:40 and then started to NRPM station. Came to know that Tuni-Vizag DMU passenger would arrive by 2:00. Went to the nearby bus shelter to take a bus. None turned up for long. Took a lorry. I gave four rupees to the lorry cleaner for my journey up to Elamanchili. I sat in Room Number 19. My roll number is 46 in second year Intermediate. Today also I did not prepare even a bit. Though the paper was very easy, I could not sit with it for more than one hour. Reached station by 4:30. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:40. Reached home by 5:00. Watched cine songs from 5:30 to 6:30 on Doordarshan. Went to bed by 9:00.

14 February (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. By 8:00 this morning I went to the postman and took the letters I wrote to Lakshmi back. The father of Lakshmi would have read those letters and asked the postman to return them to me. The postman told me that our family gets bad name if others know about all this. Came back soon and went to NRPM station. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:30. Reached college by 11:00. Today History class took place from 12:00 to 1:00. Today I did not take the District Common Hope Examination of History because I did not prepare even a bit. Afternoon saw the Telugu film “Gulabi” of Chakravarti and Maheswari. It was directed by Krishna Vamsy, the disciple of Ram Gopal Varma, the director of the Telugu film “Anaganagaa Oka Roju”. Reached station by 5:10. Godavari Express arrived by 5:40. Reached home by 6:15. Went to bed by 8:00.

15 February (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00 and then started to NRPM station. Tirumala Express  arrived by 10:00. Went to the house of our principal Mr. M R A Sharif and Mrs. S Hasina Begum, our English lecturer (they are husband and wife to one another). Took her English notes and noted down some contents in my notes from it for sometime. Then moved to college. Our history lecturer, in his class, identified some important places like Italy and Japan, with a pencil, on  maps. Went to the temple of Lord Anjaneya Swamy and did copying work from 2:00 to 4:00 from the English notes of our English Lecturer Hasina Begum. Then went to their house near railway station and returned her notebook. She is kind, generous and affectionate toward me. Tirumala Express arrived by 5:00. Reached home by 5:30. Tomorrow I will go to East Godavari district. Went to bed by 9:00.

16 February (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I would go to the house of my maternal grandparents at Gollalagunta. Paala Kova (these sweets are made with cow or buffalo milk. Milk is heated up in a frying pan till it gets condensed. Then sugar is added to that paste. Then it is hand pressed into small, round and flat cakes. These are very sweet and should be given to kids or old people as gifts because they melt on their tongues without much effort on their part. They reach the affection of the creatures to the ones that receive them (with their unique taste). This does not mean that others should not eat them. Lovers can enjoy their taste in the best way because they represent the same sweetness they hold for one another) were prepared by my mother to be taken to my maternal grandfather. Started to Adduroad by 11:45 on bicycle. Kept the bicycle at the general store of a familiar one. Took a lorry by 12:30. It was stopped here and there for much time due to traffic problems and for lunch at a motel. I gave him 15 rupees as fare. En route I bought Prasaadham (a holy substance to be eaten by devotees and the common as the blest food by the God or the Goddess concerned. It is available at many famous Hindu temples) at Annavaram to take to my maternal grandparents. Got off the lorry at Jaggampeta by 4:20. Moved toward cinema Raja Veni and waited at the road leading to Gollalagunta for some vehicle of local transport. My uncle Varma came that way by 5:15. Both of us reached their house by 6:00 on his bicycle. Went to sleep by 10:00.

17 February (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Today it is Maha Shiva Raatri (a holy day for all the mainstream Hindus which is observed by devotees with special worship to Lord Shiva). My prayers to Lord Shiva to give my sweetheart and me a happy life. Today, Srinivasa Reddy, my friend of schooldays in Gollalagunta, came to see me from Jaggampeta. I spent most of my time at home. Started to Jaggampeta by 2:00 and went to the house of my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju. Knew that he went to Vizianagaram to see their son Naren, who is studying at the Sainik School over there. Bought some medicines at a medical store for my maternal grandfather, dozen bananas to offer to my spiritual guru Appanna Swamy and returned home by 4:00. Night met Saint Appanna Swamy and spent with him for one hour discussing spiritual matters. From there went to the house of my uncle Chanti Babu (of Durgada village) and slept there by 11:00.

18 February (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent most of my time at home. Evening went to our agricultural fields along with my uncle Varma. By 3:00 my father came. I spent all the day happily. My salutes to Lord Shiva. My salutes to Lord Krishna and Lord Ganapathi. Went to sleep by 9:30.

19 February (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 8:00 and then started to Jaggampeta in an auto rickshaw along with the small gunny bags of black gram and green gram to get them polished at a mill there. In Jaggampeta, spent sometime at bus complex. I took with me even a wooden box to take home meant for keeping used clothes before putting them to washerman. My father and my maternal grandfather went to Molleru Mallavaram by 9:00 for attending the task of marriage talks. My maternal uncle Varma and my cousin Anantha Lakshmi may get married soon if these talks are successful. She is the daughter of my maternal uncle Rama Krishnam Raju and aunt Satyavathi. From 10:30 to 11:00 spent watching Telugu cine songs on Eenadu television channel in the bus complex. Then went to Hotel Sri Lakshmi and had six rupees of tiffin. Then went to the mill and put the bags of polished dals at my uncle’s house. From 12:30 to 3:30 spent watching the Telugu feature film “Pichchi Maaraju” on Eenadu television channel sitting in the bus complex. Meanwhile, Uma Maheswara Rao, my residential school friend, came there. Spent talking with him till 5:30. Returned home by 6:15. Went to sleep by 9:00.

20 February (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the time at home. Today our folks at home spent much time in the clearance work of black gram. My thought follows, “The culture of present Indians is indecent to see or think about later. Every man and woman appears ignorant and innocent externally. Internally they carry many evil thoughts. Even villagers lost the spirit of morality in their relations now. Deterioration of values spread to all the communities and religions in the society. Purity and chastity of human existence is nothing to worry about. To be happy in every possible way is the norm of the present society. People lie daily even for small things in their simple lives. ‘Getting’ something is important, not ‘how’ one gets it”. Went to bed by 9:00.

21 February (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Jaggampeta by 9:00 on a bicycle. Went to the house of my teacher uncle Chitti Babu. He was at home. He welcomed me affectionately. I sat on bed. He talked about various avenues of education available to one after one’s Intermediate. He said that a lot of money would be needed to be spent to finish the long studies after the history group of Intermediate. He suggested that studying Law would be good for me. The Integrated Five-Year Law Course would be suitable for me, he advised. Then he said that following up with B.A. is also fine if the Typewriting Higher and Shorthand are completed simultaneously. The expenditure for B.A. course would be less than that of other courses. We talked for about one hour. Then he went out leaving his youngest son Kiran to spend with me. Both of us had lunch together. I moved to the bus complex by 2:00. My friend Uma Maheswara Rao came there. We spent there talking till 4:00. Morning it was cloudy. Went to sleep by 9:00.

22 February (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 8:00. Then moved to Jaggampeta by lorry at a fare of two rupees. Went to the house of my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju. I told him that I would go to Peddapuram to meet Raghupati, their eldest son and my cousin. He is studying at Jawahar Navodaya Vidyalaya over there. His group is M.Bi.P. (Mathematics, Biology and Physics), English medium. Took a bus by 9:00. Reached the hostel of Raghupati by 11:00. Talked with him about many things till 12:30. Navodaya Vidyalayas are known for quality education and are run by the Government of India. Education is provided here for students from 6th standard to 12th standard in English medium. Returned to Jaggampeta and went to the house of my teacher uncle. While coming back from there, I saw my uncle Varma. Both of us had tiffin of chapatis at Hotel Sri Lakshmi. We spent sometime in Jaggampeta. We returned to Gollalagunta by 5:00 on his bicycle. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

23 February (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Jaggampeta by 9:30 on bicycle. Even my grandfather went to Jaggampeta by bus. We waited for my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani (to come from Molleru Mallavaram) at the bus complex. After a while, we went to the APCO Cloth Store to buy something. I observed my sister-in-law in some distance coming toward us along with her maternal aunt Kumari. I spent talking with them from 11:30 to 12:15 at the bus complex. I felt happy because I could meet my sister-in-law without going to their village. She is carrying a child. I waved my hand at them when the bus (to Molleru Mallavaram) was moving toward its destination from the bus complex. Later I met Kapavarapu Satyanarayana, my classmate at school in Gollalagunta. He is from village Marripaka. Talked with him for sometime. Then my grandfather and I moved to Kummara Ganti’s Hospital. His health condition is reported to be fine. He has been fighting T.B. for long. My grandmother says that he got it from a teacup at some hotel in Gollalagunta. My grandfather says that he goes to hotel because she never gives him tea in time at home. Then we moved to Hotel Lakshmi Ganapathi and each of us had five rupees of tiffin. We reached Gollalagunta by 3:00 on bicycle. Went to bed by 9:00.

24 February (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I spent all my time within the village. Went to the house of my maternal aunt Bhaskaram by 8:30 along with my grandfather. Today she prepared lunch for us. I was special guest and my grandfather (her father), an additional guest to her today. I spent there lying on bed till 2:30. Evening my grandfather and I went to our mango garden. We brought drumsticks from there. This morning it was cloudy. Very soon I am going back to our village. I came here to spend happily for ten days. I met some of my old friends by chance. I felt happy to see them after a long time. I am grateful to Lord Krishna, Lord Shiva and Lord Ganesh for blessing me with a happy life for ten days. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 February (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 1:30 my uncle Varma and I started to Jaggampeta on bicycles. We completed our work there and returned home by 4:30. I knew that my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju is reading my write-up on love in Telugu. I felt happy at it. Evening got ready to return to our house tomorrow morning. Went to sleep by 9:00.

26 February (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Got ready soon to start my journey back to our village. Reached Jaggampeta by 10:30 in a van of local transport. Saw the Telugu film “Amma Naa Kodalaa” at cinema Krishna Veni in the morning show. It is a good film. Reached bus complex by 2:00. Took a Kakinada bound bus by 2:15. Reached Samalkot railway station by 3:30. Knew that Vijayawada-Visakhapatnam passenger was running one hour late. It arrived by 4:30. Reached Narsipatnam Road railway station by 6:15. Got home by 6:45. I recovered psychologically. Today I bought a copy of Telugu weekly Swathi at Samalkot railway station. My salutes to all gods. Went to sleep by 10:00.

27 February (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00 and then started to NRPM station. Tirumala Express was running one hour late. So, I moved to the nearby temple of Lord Shiva. Here I find serene atmosphere. One’s mind turns spiritual here. The pond opposite this temple adds coolness to one’s weary body. It is sacred place where one can feel psychic relief. Lord Shiva blesses one with balance of mind and body here. I folded my palms and prayed Him to guide my life with kindness for me. Then moved to station. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:10. Today History and Economics (the last classes in my life of Intermediate education) classes went on. Reached railway station by 1:00. Had a plate of chapatis for four rupees at the hotel by station road. Bokaro–Alleppey Express arrived by 1:15. Went to sleep by 9:00.

28 February (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived at 9:18, its scheduled arrival time. Went to public library. Spent there till 10:30. Then moved to our junior college. Today we (the H.E.C. Second Year Intermediate students) celebrated the farewell function on the occasion of the end of our Intermediate education of the academic years 1994-96. The function went on from 3:00 to 6:00. Our Principal M R A Sharif, Telugu Lecturer Y Narasimha Murthy, History Lecturer I Mallikarjuna Rao, Civics Lecturer Rama Rao, English Lecturer Padmini (she joined our college late in the academic year and taught us for about four months only) spoke on this occasion. Eatables were distributed to all in the middle of the program. I gave a small gift to our English Lecturer Hasina Begum on behalf of H.E.C. Second Year Intermediate students. A photo was taken when I did this. Thereafter my classmates distributed farewell gifts to other lecturers also. Finally a group photo was also taken. My classmate Chiranjeevi of village Enugu Tuni burst into tears hugging me. I used to frequently have lunch from his meal box at Uma Ice Factory. This is a memorable day for all of us poor students of a fruitless Intermediate group (in the present competitive world of many attractive courses). Today is an unforgettable day in my life of education. Went to sleep by 10:00.

29 February (Thursday)

Today is the last day of this leap year’s second month. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Even today Tirumala Express arrived at 9:18 (its right time). Went to college. Today our English Lecturer Padmini did not come to college. She told me to come to total up the marks of our Hope Examinations. Went to public library. Today the results of the recently held Lower Grade Typewriting Examinations were published in the Visakhapatnam district edition of Telugu daily Eanadu. There was no my number in this newspaper. I tried hard but the result is bad. My Lord Gopal decided it. I like to accept it happily. Both successes and failures of life should be felt and faced frequently by man to enjoy the diversity of life. God gives difficulties and joys equally to His followers to make them balanced and steadfast. My gods gave me this gift of failure. I should love it. Went to sleep by 9:00.

1 March (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the time at home. From today onwards I have to be fast in my preparation for the ensuing examinations. Today I wanted to start my preparation with Telugu subject but I could not. I like to prepare an application to my Lord Krishna. “Please save me God. Give me mental peace. Forgive me if I went astray. Show me the path to pass in the exams. Make my mind concentrate on studies, at least from now onwards. I can’t imagine the coming days. Everything is left to Your discretion and direction. Be kind to Your follower. There is none to save me from this issue other than You. I was a bit hurt to accept my failure in the typewriting examination. If You want to make me cry for my failures, I can do it”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

2 March (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the time. Today I started the preparation of Telugu subject. It is going on slowly. May God bless and direct me steadily. Today is the second day of March, a month of chasing examinations and hectic preparations. This academic year all the gods and goddesses have to save me. Because I earned the affection of my lecturers and classmates through my performance in studies, to realize their hopes, I must get good marks. This can be achieved only if God is kind to me. Went to sleep by 10:00.

3 March (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today I wanted to study Telugu but could not. By 4:00 wrote a letter addressing my Lord Gopal. I hope He reads it. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Musugu Donga”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

4 March (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning went to the temple of Lord Shiva at NRPM railway station to prepare Telugu subject. Studied there from 8:00 to 11:00. My mind was calm there. I prepared a small lesson. I prayed Lord Shiva to give me success in the exams. I think He receives my prayers. Returned home and had my lunch by 11:20. Went to railway station on bicycle by 1:00. Tuni-Vizag DMU passenger arrived by 1:30. Got off it at Elamanchili and moved to the L.I.C. (Life Insurance Corporation of India) office. Paid the half-yearly premium of my father’s insurance policy and took receipt. Came back to station. Tirumala Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 4:55. Today I saw the crippled puppy at Elamanchili railway station. It looked fine. Went to sleep by 9:00.

5 March (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I spent at home all the time. I prepared very few lessons of Telugu. Today is the last day for preparation of Telugu according to my schedule. But many lessons still remained untouched. In the recently held farewell party at our college, our Telugu Lecturer Yandamuri Narasimha Murthy praised me much. All the second year Intermediate students and lecturers, including our Principal M R A Sharif, were there. He added that I might be given “The Best Student of College” award because I earned such good place in his heart. In his opinion, I am a good learner with appreciable character. I should get good marks in the examinations to be worthy of that title. It is my moral responsibility. This year my preparation is bad in Telugu. God is everywhere. Let Him help me achieve my goal. Went to bed by 9:00.

6 March (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Today we are moving to the hut in our mango garden by hills. We will stay there till the end of this cashew and mango season. I feel upset to come here now and then from there. Lakshmi would be there. I should not see that side. I am taking leave from my goddess. She is a token of innocent and delicate love for me. She silently enslaved me. I tried my best to make her mine but she could not reveal her heart to her elders. May God bless her cheerful life. This morning I started to our mango garden by 6:00 on bicycle along with a bag of my clothes. We will stay there for about three months. May God take care of us there. Today I did not prepare the scheduled part of my history subject. May God bless and direct me. My prayers to Lord Shiva. Let this place help me study well. Evening had pleasant bath at the old well. There were clouds in the sky. Went to bed by 9:00.

7 March (Thursday)

Got up by 6:00. Stayed at home all the day. Today I did not prepare any subject. My best wishes to my sweetheart in the village, which is in some two kilometers of distance from our mango garden here. May her pain for me be sent out of her mind with the blessings of Lord Gopal. She is a good girl. Why should I think about her caste? She is innocent. Her character is good. May God bless her joyful life. May her wants be fulfilled with the blessings of Lord Shiva. She was very happy when I was in the village. She comes to see all those programs in our village, which I attend. She has such admiration for me. Destiny separated us. Who am I to go against the winds of fate? Let it blow. Today I did the work of collecting cashew nuts from trees. One has to search for dry (ripe ones with cashew apples) cashew nuts in the trees like a crane does for fish in a pond. The hot sun bakes our body and tests our patience. One has to pluck cashew nuts with long sticks from the twigs and branches of trees and pick up those that fall down under trees. Collection of cashew nuts is a tough work. It requires one to be very patient from the morning to the evening. Evening had cool bath at the old well. Soothing air spread about by that time. It is  great joy to bathe at that well in the evening after a daylong tedious work. We have a long relationship with that well. We used to fetch water from that well when we lived in a hut here in the nearby mango garden of Kshatriyas of village Tangedu. We lived there in that thatched hut for about 16 years before moving to village Ramayyapatnam in 1992 into the present rented house. That hut lost its form now. Only a few symbolic rocks are there. I go nostalgic while walking by that dilapidated place where we lived our childhood of poverty and innocence. My mother, father and brother Sambha fetched water from that well, pursuing about two kilometers of up and down journey. My eldest brother Srinivas somehow joined the Indian Army being unable to spend such poor and hard life here in the hilly and arid region. That was why he stopped his studies with tenth standard only. It is all money that looks invaluable to one when one’s family is deep in poverty. They never sent me to the well for bringing water out of affection for me because I was/am the youngest one in our family. My brother Sambha spent hard life toiling along with my parents. He did a lot for the stability and development of our family. We owe him a lot. Went to sleep by 9:00.

8 March (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Stayed at home till 9:00. Then started to our rented house in the village on foot. Did some work there and moved to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram. Spent there till 3:51. Then started back to Adduroad. There had my haircut. Reached home by 6:00. Today I prepared some bit (objective type questions for which four answers are given from which one has to be chosen or filling in the blanks) questions and answers of history subject. My thought follows, “Education is a deep and long pursuit of learning involving the industry of one’s mind. Earlier adequate jobs were there to the few educated ones. This is age of toil for nominal survival for the poor. Intellect is hardly honored. Society became selfish and immoral. All these changes in the world are due to the impact of Kali Yuga. No social reformer can change this society. Virtue can be honored after a long period of time only. Until then good and sensitive people must suffer in this unfair society. One should pray God to withstand these difficulties of life walking in the path of righteousness and benevolence”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

9 March (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day at home. Morning and afternoon did the work of collecting cashew nuts from trees. Today it was hot. May God bless me successful academic life. Education should brighten my spirit of thoughts and acts. It must set me right. It has to give me successful life based on reason and candor. My prayers to Goddess Saraswati to provide me with interest on education and good memory by which I can do well in the annual examinations to start soon. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to bed by 9:00.

10 March (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Today I spent normally. According to the schedule of my preparation for the ensuing examinations, I am not supposed to prepare history today. But I did it today. My salutes to Lord Krishna. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to sleep by 9:00.

11 March (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Morning did the work of collecting cashew nuts from trees. Afternoon prepared bit questions and answers from the test papers of economics subject. India is being considered as a poor country. In fact our country is very rich. Only the rich are becoming richer day by day with their innovative or unethical plans and practices. Still 44% people of India are below the poverty line. But the truth I could sense from this world is that though one is unable to get a plate of food a day, one is craving for bodily joy with one’s partner or other commercial or available person of that nature. This is universal phenomenon. Moreover immoral and evil deeds of this nature increased in the present society. None can prevent it. Let it go on. Went to bed by 9:00.

12 March (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today also I observed the same routine of three times eating and two times sleeping. Afternoon prepared bit questions and answers from the test papers of economics subject. Today the special issue to be discussed is ‘time’. It surprises all the living beings with its incredible speed of onward journey. Nobody can see its return journey. In its nonstop journey, rapid and extraordinary changes occur in the world. One may laugh with bliss and one may sob with suffering. But the strong wheel of restless time is continuously revolving around itself bringing day and night. It is tricky and mysterious creature of abstract form dragging us into future to kill us when we grow old. We guess about our future. We miss our present in our suffering for the lost past since we do not utilize the things available in the present as they look paltry to us. And our past never comes into the present to give us our gifts hidden in it. Thus all the aspects of time torture us in some way or the other. Perhaps one’s marriage adds a little beauty to one’s life. Majority of the married ones say that it is a universal lie. Thus the ordinary fail to understand the true nature of time. Went to sleep by 9:00.

13 March (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day within the garden. From 8:00 to 9:30 and again from 10:00 to 11:30 did the work of collecting cashew nuts from garden. Today I prepared bit questions and answers from the test papers of economics subject. In fact this day has specialty for me because I came to know that the marriage of my angel Lakshmi is going to take place on the 13th of the coming month. That means exactly one month from today. It is a memorable day in her life to remember forever and a bit sad day for me in my position of admirer to her. The same occasion carries two perspectives or dimensions depending on the stand of observers. This is the oddity and irony of human life. I do not know how time observes this occasion. If she really likes that person, let her marry him. Let it go on gloriously with the blessings of all the gods and goddesses. Otherwise let it take a different turn if that is the case. Went to bed by 9:00.

14 March (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day at home. Today I did not do physical work. Afternoon and evening prepared all the one-mark questions and answers from the test papers of civics subject. Today it was hot. Hot winds are blowing. Education and the institutions representing it gained much value and place in the world now. Parents are interested in educating their children. Majority of them expect their children to get good jobs after education. Very few wish to seek knowledge through institutional learning. Education broadens the thought process of humanity. It helps one understand the world slightly and assess the changes taking place from generation to generation. It provides the wisdom of decent behavior with living beings. Man tries to move toward perfection through awareness gained from institutional learning. Went to bed by 9:00.

15 March (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. From 7:00 to 10:00 did the work of collection of cashew nuts from our garden. Afternoon prepared bit questions and answers from the test papers of civics subject. My preparation is satisfactory regarding bit questions. May God bless me. Afternoon my brother Sambha went to Gollalagunta. From 8:00 to 6:00 the sky was partly cloudy and the weather was normal. The mentalities of beautiful girls are varied. They cast their seductive looks at boys. Crazy boys eventually live in their dreamlands. When the marriages of their sweethearts are around the corner, they turn depressed and sad. Went to bed by 9:00.

16 March (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Adduroad by 7:00 on bicycle. Completed some work there by 1:00. Today I did not prepare much because of the effect of thoughts of Lakshmi. I passed through Ramayyapatnam to Adduroad. But I did not go toward the house of Lakshmi. I just looked at the way that leads toward her house and felt satisfied. Though I like to see the sorrowful face of Lakshmi, the people of that house are main obstruction to me. Anyhow I must be away from her remembrances very soon. Otherwise I can’t do well in the examinations. Went to bed by 9:00.

17 March (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent all the day at home. Worked in our mango garden from 7:00 to 10:30. Afternoon rested for sometime. From 2:00 to 4:00 prepared civics. My salutes to my Lord Krishna. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to sleep by 9:00.

18 March (Monday)

Got up by 3:00. Spent at home till 8:30. Then took my big Champ bag bought in Guntur and put it on the back seat of my bicycle. Today I am going to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram for a temporary stay of 15 days until the exams are over. This is for the sake of my peaceful preparation of the subjects and a convenient journey to Elamanchili on the days of my Intermediate examinations. It may be hard for me going to Elamanchili from our mango garden. Reached our rented house at Kothuru (Ramayyapatnam) by 8:45. Stretched my bag into its full shape and put some clothes and all the books required for my preparation in it. Started there by 9:10 and reached Raja Venkata Nagaram by 10:30. Today I spent most of my time preparing English from the Tonic Writers’ Guide. Here it is comfortable due to coconut trees and the nearby sea. The sound of tides can be heard from here. It gives me unique understanding of the journey of human life. Not seeing Lakshmi, who is away from me, went to bed by 9:00.

19 March (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today my preparation of English subject went on well. Today it is Ugadi, the Telugu New Year Day. In this intense mood of my preparation for the exams, it is appropriate to intone the name of my Lord Krishna. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Went to bed by 9:00.

20 March (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home till 9:00 and then started to Elamanchili to collect the hall ticket of my annual examinations from our college. From Adduroad to Elamanchili traveled by a lorry. Went to our junior college and came to know that the hall tickets would be issued from tomorrow onwards. From there moved to Balu Type Institute. Knew that marks list is yet to come. Thus both the intended works could not be done. So, went to cinema Tulasi Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Mammy, Mee Aayanochchaadu” of Rajendra Prasad. I thought that the Telugu film “Premaalayam” is being shown in that cinema. But it is being shown in the opposite hall. Came back to bus stop. Etikoppaka bound bus was there. Took it and got off it at Adduroad. When I was seated in the bus going toward Revu Polavaram, my brother Samba appeared me on road. Talked with him for sometime. Today I received a fine letter from my brother Srinivas. Happy Ugadi went away. Went to bed by 10:00.

21 March (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Adduroad by 8:00. Reached Elamanchili by 9:00. Went to our junior college and took my hall ticket. Thence proceeded to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Premaalayam” of Salman Khan and Madhuri Dixit. Very soon my annual examinations are going to be started. This is the last film I have seen before the examinations. Lakshmi, I am soon going to take my annual exams. May Mother Saraswati bless me with good creative power. May question papers be in favor of me with the blessings of Lord Krishna and Lord Shiva. May my to and fro journeys for examinations in Elamanchili go on successfully with the blessings of Lord Ganapathi. May success be blest to me. Went to bed by 10:00.

22 March (Friday)

Got up by 3:00. Today I got a disorder in my constitution. My eyes went inside. My body became weak. My uncle Narayana Murthy came here this morning. Went to Adduroad by 10:30 on bicycle. Bought a sketch pen of brown color and two tablets from a medical store for the prevention of outbreaks of minor illnesses. Came back to home by 12:15. Rested for sometime. Then prepared the remaining parts of English subject well. My prayers to Lord Ganapathi to help me have a successful and fearless journey in the early hours of tomorrow. Saturday is the day of Lord Venkateswara. So, let His blessings be upon me. My prayers to Mother Saraswati to enable me to do well in the examinations. My prayers to Lord Krishna and Lord Shiva to bless me. Wish me good luck Lakshmi. Went to bed by 9:00.

23 March (Saturday)

Got up by 2:30. Got ready by 3:00. Took my bicycle. Kept it at Adduroad and locked. Walked toward main road. Took a lorry and reached Elamanchili at a fare of three rupees. The journey went on well. My prayers to Lord Ganapathi. Sat at the temple of Lord Anjaneya. I prayed Him for His blessings. It was still dark. There were no signs of electricity around. Calmly sat on the floor of the temple till 5:00. The sunlight began to spread around. Ran my eyes fast on the contents of English. By 7:30 moved to our college and sat in the Room Number 16. The question paper was easy. I did it well. My prayers to gods. Returned home by bus. Spent a blest day. Went to bed by 9:00.

24 March (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Stayed at home all the time. Spent most of my time preparing Telugu lying on bed. Today I could not complete the preparation of Telugu. Oh God! Guide me well in my studies and life. You have to bless me with success in the exams. I am helplessly begging for your help in this regard. Went to sleep by 9:00.

25 March (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent most of my time preparing Telugu subject. Even today I am looking weak. I prepared the entire syllabus very well. From 3:30 to 5:00 listened to cine songs of various languages on radio from Vividha Bharati station. It is for the sake of relief and peace of mind. Tomorrow I would take Telugu paper. I pray all gods to direct me well. My salutes to our honorable Telugu Lecturer Yandamuri Narasimha Murthy. Let his blessings be upon me to enable my hand to move fast on the answer sheets. My marks in this subject have to keep up my image in his heart. He completed the instruction of his subject in the classroom. He is an expert in Telugu. My salutes to such great person once again. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. Went to bed by 9:00.

26 March (Tuesday)

Got up by 3:00. Got ready by 3:30 and started to Addroad on bicycle. Took a lorry and reached Elamanchili by 4:30. Went to the temple of Lord Anjaneya and sat there calmly till dawn broke. By 6:00 opened my Telugu notebook and went through it fast. Entered Room Number 20 and sat. Telugu question paper was given out. Scanned all the questions fast. I did well in this examination. My devout prayers to our lecturer, all the gods and Mother Saraswati. I beg them to help me even in the ensuing examinations. A shiny day went on dear Krishna. Afternoon saw the English film “Stolen Kisses”. It is a film with the story of two young lovers. Returned home by a lorry. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to bed by 9:00.

27 March (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Today is a holy day because it is the birth anniversary of permanent bachelor Lord Hanuman. My prayers to Him. Let Him give me courage and energy. Let Him direct me in a glorious path. Last night I had a good dream of Lakshmi. It is the kind offer of my Lord Gopal to please me. In that dream, Lakshmi came and sat calmly. I signed her indicating that I love her. I told her, ‘I love you’. She must have understood it. I felt immense pleasure when my mind was flying through that dreamland. May Lord Gopal and Lord Shankar bless her with happiness. Let her fascinating face always shine with smiles. Let not her sensitive heart be affected. Let not grief touch her vulnerable psyche. Let her be in a world of happiness. My best wishes to her. Today I prepared economics subject well. My prayers to Lord Krishna. Went to bed by 9:00.

28 March (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today also I prepared economics well. May God bless and direct me in the following examination. There are 27 lessons in the economics textbook of second year Intermediate. There are many questions. Their answers are very long. Though one can recite all the answers as they are, it is difficult to produce all that text on the answer sheets within the given period of time. May God enable me to do it somehow in the battlefield. May Mother Saraswati bless and guide Her child toward success. My prayers to Lord Ganesh and our Economics Lecturer Mohan Rao. Today is a holy day because it is the marriage anniversary of Lord Rama and Sita. May this newly married couple look after this world carefully and gracefully. Even last night I saw Lakshmi in my dream. God showed her on the screen of my mind. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 9:00.

29 March (Friday)

Woke up by 3:45. Got ready soon and reached Adduroad by 4:30. It was drizzling when I was moving on bicycle. Took a lorry and reached Elamanchili by 4:30. Walked to the temple of Lord Hanuman and prayed Him to guide me in today’s examination. Dawn broke by 6:00. Went through my economics notebook quickly. Moved to college by 7:40. Entered Room Number 18. Question paper was given out by 8:00. Did the examination well. May Lord Krishna and Mother Saraswati bless me the result. Took a bus and returned home by 12:30. The number of additional answer sheets I took for these three exams are as follows: Telugu: 3; English: 4; Economics: 4. Afternoon listened to cine songs on radio. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to bed by 10:00.

30 March (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today I prepared civics subject well. Read the entire textbook for once. The civics textbook of second year Intermediate is interesting for me. We can know many things about the kinds of governments in various countries, Indian constitution and its contents, central government, state governments, relations between the center and the states, local administration bodies, the role of citizens in the development of a society, finance commission and national integration. My prayers to our Civics Lecturer Rama Rao. He is a senior in this profession and is going to retire soon. He always talks affectionately with me. My prayers to all gods. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10:00.

31 March (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent all the time at home. Kept on preparing civics lying on bed. My salutes to Mother Saraswati. My salutes to Lord Gopal. My God! Guide me well in the examination tomorrow. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to sleep by 9:00.

1 April (Monday)

Got up by 3:30. Got ready soon and reached Adduroad by 4:30 on bicycle. Took an on-journey car and paid him five rupees for Elamanchili. The journey went on fast and happily. Got off the car and moved to the temple of Lord Anjaneya. Sat there calmly. Dawn broke by 6:00. Prayed Lord Hanuman to bless and direct me. Moved to college by 7:40. Sat in the Room Number 20. Question paper was given out by 8:00. It was very easy. I did it well. Let the result be blest by gods and Mother Saraswati. Came back to bus stop. Reached home by 12:30. Rested from 1:00 to 2:00. Then prepared history subject. My best wishes to Lakshmi on April Fools’ Day. Evening it rained. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

2 April (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today I prepared history well. May God bless me and direct me. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala. Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna. Direct me my God in the examination. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. My prayers to Lord Ganesh. Went to bed by 9:00.

3 April (Wednesday)

Woke up by 3:00. Got ready soon and reached Adduroad on bicycle. Took a lorry and reached Elamanchili. Sat calmly at the temple of Lord Hanuman. From 6:00 to 7:30 went through my history notebook quickly. Moved to college by 7:40. Entered Room Number 6. The question paper was given out by 8:00. It was easy. Answered it fast. Completed it by 10:45 and moved out of the room. The number of additional answer sheets I took: for Civics: 5, and for History: 3. Bade farewell to all my friends. Came back to bus stop. Took a bus and reached Adduroad. Thence went to Raja Venkata Nagaram on bicycle. Put all my books and clothes in my bag. Reached Ramayyapatnam by 3:30 on bicycle. Put my bag in our rented house. Reached our temporary abode (hut) in the mango garden by hills by 4:10. Night listened to cine songs on radio. Went to bed by 10:00.

4 April (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Ramayyapatnam by 7:00. Went into our rented house and ironed my clothes. Started to Adduroad by 9:00 along with my uncle Narayana Murthy. En route bought some postcards, inland covers and envelopes at the post office in Peda Gummuluru. Proceeded to Adduroad. Gave my negative at Gopala Krishna Photo Studio and ordered five black and white photos. From there moved to the mango garden of my uncle Narayana Murthy at village Gurrajupeta along with him. Reached the house of my uncle Rama Raju at R V Nagaram by 11:40. Had my lunch there. Wrote letters to four people till 1:45. Then started to Adduroad. Collected my photos from the photo studio. Moved to cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal and saw the Telugu film “Telugu Veera Levaraa” of Krishna. Then attended the work of taking money from local cashew merchant Venkata Rao for my uncle Rama Raju. Reached our mango garden via Ramayyapatnam by 6:00. Sorry Lakshmi! I came via y (our) village without seeing you. I have no authority to see you. What can I do? Went to bed by 10:00.

5 April (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. From 7:00 to 10:30 did the work of collecting cashew nuts from trees. Then started to Kothuru. I took the gunny bag of cashew nuts on my bicycle and put it in our house. Did some work there and returned home by 1:20. Rested for sometime. Woke up and had my lunch by 2:30. From 3:00 to 5:30 did the work of collecting cashew nuts from garden. Evening went to the old well and took a bath. Night listened to cine songs on radio. Our present residence is hut by peepal tree. There are mango trees all around. The chirps and sounds of various birds and creatures from the nearby hills and our surroundings can be heard from here. It would be serene and soothing at night. Very few people live here. The buyers of seasonal crop of surrounding mango and cashew groves camp here until the season is over. We come across them frequently while in our farm work. They stay here for about 80 days. Snakes, scorpions, centipedes and insects move about in these green environs. The universal guard of humanity, known as ‘God’, safeguards us daily from them. He only knows well how to keep all His creatures in harmony without disturbing others in normal course of their existence. Went to bed by 9:00.

6 April (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Did the work of collecting cashew nuts from trees from 8:00 to 12:00. Then had my lunch and rested for sometime. Again carried out the work of collecting cashew nuts from 2:00 to 4:00. Went to Kothuru by 4:30 and put the gunny bag of cashew nuts in our house there. Returned home by 6:00. Went to the old well and Had a bath with plenty of cool water. It is great joy to bathe in the evening in the open air in this hilly region when cool wind is blowing slowly bidding farewell to the sun in the west. A thrilling sensation runs through body when we pour water drawing it from the well. Night listened to cine songs and Telugu playlet “Successful Shastipoorthi” (Shastipoorthi is a ceremony celebrated by rich and educated Hindu couple when either one of them reaches the age of 60) presented by Markapuram radio station. My best wishes to Lakshmi. May God bless her. Today I worked well in our garden. Went to bed by 9:00.

7 April (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Worked in our mango garden from 6:00 to 12:00. By 1:00 started to Adduroad on bicycle. Saw the Telugu film “Dora Babu” in cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal in the matinee show. Bought vegetables in the weekly market there and returned home by 6:00. May God bless Lakshmi. Night listened to radio for sometime. Went to sleep by 9:00.

8 April (Monday) to 10 April (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to our mango and cashew garden at village Panduru by 7:00. There what I did was cooking food and resting on cot. It was troublesome for me to cook rice and curries. It is an isolated area among hills. Lakshmi is a good girl. I loved her much. Often she looked at me. Even I looked at her. She is a beautiful girl with appreciable character. Her smiles looking at me are still fresh in my heart. I can’t forget her. It is not possible for me. I never saw such girl anywhere. How can I forget her? I pray God to keep her always happy. I knew that her marriage is due to happen soon. I think she can’t happily welcome her husband into her life because the heart of a good girl, which has loved another person, can’t accept a new creature easily. It may be my imagination only. Her parents finalized her marriage. She is a softhearted person. She can’t express her internal feelings of love boldly to her parents. Who can save her from this upsetting situation? Perhaps that great God! So, I pray Him. Save my dear Lakshmi. Help her in this testing time. Please my God. Also You know that I am unable to get a job now. I am still at a small stage of my education. Whatever You think to be good, You do it. Rule us with Your kind looks. We are Your children. It is Your duty to look after us. See that this complex situation ends peacefully. Provide me with success in education and peace of mind. My journey to Ambala Cantonment was recently canceled. In this hot season I have to do the work of collecting cashew nuts from our garden. I have to prepare to take the entrance test of Law also. I have to take other tests also. You know what is good for me. Bless me and direct me in a good way, which you think to be right for me. Once I thought that Lakshmi can’t live without seeing me. I don’t know if she is still with my thoughts. She must be in her marriage mood. Show her a solution through which the situation becomes peaceful and all can be happy. I found that for the last few days she is not coming out of their house also. Her father must have told her that I would eat her if she comes out. Their house is looking silent and empty though there are people inside.

11 April (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Returned home by 8:00 from Panduru. Started to Adduroad by 9:40. Did the flour mill related work there. Then moved to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram. There I wrote three letters to my brother Srinivas very seriously about his joining me army. Came back to Adduroad and went to cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal. Saw the Telugu film “Gharaana Premikudu” of Prashant, Ooha and Madhu Bala. Reached home by 6:00. Night listened to cine songs on radio. Today my uncle Rama Raju brought a newspaper cutting from my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju in Jaggampeta. It has information about Lawcet (Law Common Entrance Test). My prayers to Lord Ganesh. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Our history lecturer sent a word to me through one of my friends to meet him soon. Went to bed by 10:00.

12 April (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Adduroad by 9:30. Sold one kilogram of cashew nuts at a shop for 30 rupees. Started to Elamanchili by 11:00 by a lorry. Went to our junior college and found the notification of Silver Jubilee Government Degree College of Kurnool on notice board. Noted down the contents. Wanted to see the Telugu film “Ooha” but could not. Met our History Lecturer Mallikarjuna Rao. He told me a little about the entrance test of Government Residential Degree College in Kurnool. Today I took the group color photo of our Intermediate H.E.C. (A) group students from my friend Appa Rao. It cost 15 rupees. Reached Adduroad by 1:30 by a lorry. Reached home by 2:30 on bicycle. Even today I did not see Lakshmi. How is Lakshmi? May God bless and save her. Today I knew from one of my friends that her marriage takes place on the 20th of this month. Earlier I got wrong information about her marriage. Went to bed by 11:00.

13 April (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. From 6:10 to 6:30 listened to Venkateswara Suprabhatam (the chanting of holy name of Lord Venkateshwara of Tirupati by priests in His praise) from Visakhapatnam radio station. From 8:00 to 1:00 did the work of collecting cashew nuts from trees. Then had my lunch. From 2:00 to 6:00 again did the same work. Today I cooked rice and curry. I came to know that the marriages of two of my familiar creatures take place on the 20th of this month; one is of Yeshu Babu, the close associate of my brother Samba and the other is of Lakshmi, my familiar girl. Today I was engaged in much work. Had my supper by 7:00. May God bless Lakshmi. Spent a full working day. Went to bed by 9:00.

14 April (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. From 7:00 to 12:00 worked in our mango garden. By 2:00 started to Adduroad on bicycle. I saw some information in the Telugu daily Eenadu about Silver Jubilee Degree College at Kurnool. Returned home by 4:00. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 9:00.

15 April (Monday)

Woke up by 4:00. Went to NRPM railway station and took Vijayawada-Visakhapatnam passenger. Reached Visakhapatnam by 9:00. Went to Seethammadhara Branch of Andhra Bank and bought an application form for Lawcet for 128 rupees. Also bought a bank draft for 75 rupees for sending to the Silver Jubilee Degree College in Kurnool. Went to cinema Sri Rama Talkies and saw the Telugu film “Pellaala Raajyam” with an eight-rupee ticket. Reached railway station by 2:30. Tirumala Express was on the platform to start soon. I did not buy ticket. Entered the train. Visakhapatnam is a crammed city. People and vehicles moving in it make roads detestable for pedestrians. I like these beautiful girls and boys here. They wear good clothes and look attractive to all. Reached home by 4:30. Night listened to cine songs on radio. Spent a happy journey and city day. Went to bed by 9:00.

16 April (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Adduroad by 10:00. Took four passport size photos from photo studio. Saw the Telugu film “Mounam”. Oh God! Save me. What about my life? Why are You troubling me every time? Please bless me with peace. Please show me a bright path. Treat me as Thy child. I am suffering among these daily risky things of life. I became weak due to many unexpected events. I am becoming thin due to continuous work. I am a student. How should I be? But how am I? After my education You put me in this garden work. What is the meaning of my life? To whom can I say all this? Lord Gopal! Bless me harmony. Guard me. Direct me well. See my way be somewhat manageable. Namaste (a word of salutation in Telugu) my God. Give me peaceful life. I think You can understand my problem. I am Your fellow. Rule me please. Went to bed by 9:00.

17 April (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to our mango garden (bought for its seasonal crop this year) at Panduru by 7:00 on bicycle. Reached there by 8:00. Spent there till 4:00. Prepared lunch for my brother Samba by 3:00. Spent much of the day reclining on cot (made of wooden sticks) guarding the gunny bags of cashew nuts in the hut. Started back by 4:10 and reached our rented house at Kothuru by 5:10. Did some work there. Today also I did not see Lakshmi. The harsh words of her mother made me keep my looks also away from their house. The coming Saturday is the day of her marriage. May her marriage go on successfully? May God bless the young couple and give them long married life. Nonetheless sorrow is touching my heart because she was thought to be my life once. That life is not mine today. Last night I saw her in my dream. May God direct her. Went to bed by 10:00.

18 April (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Elamanchili by 8:00 on bicycle. Took a lorry at Adduroad. Reached Elamanchili by 9:00. Went to our junior college. Not even a single lecturer came to the college. Waited there for sometime. Mathematics lecturer came there soon. Took his signature on my photos pasted on the Lawcet application form. Got the seal of the college also done there. Went to post office and booked the application in registered post. Then posted a request letter for application form to Silver Jubilee College. Came to main road and took a lorry. Reached Adduroad by 11:00. Came home by 12:00. Spent rest of the time idly. Today I bought a copy of Telugu weekly Swathi. Today I received a letter from my brother Srinivas. He informed me to come there. Night listened to cine songs on radio. Spent a nice day. Went to bed by 11:00.

19 April (Friday)

Got up by 4:00. Started to Ramayyapatnam by 7:00. Went into our rented house and took out my Sony suitcase. Put some clothes in it. Reached NRPM railway station by 8:10. Bought a ticket for Visakhapatnam-Vijayawada passenger to Samalkot Junction. It arrived by 9:00. Reached Samalkot by 11:30. Reached Jaggampeta by 2:00 by bus. Saw the English film “Love Dreams” in cinema Sri Krishna to spend time. Reached Gollalagunta by 4:30 in a sharing auto rickshaw. Went to see my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani by 5:15. Found her healthy. She is expecting her delivery in a few days. Talked this and that with her for sometime. Told her to write a letter for my brother Srinivas. Her mother Lakshmi is also with her. They prepared Mysore Pak sweets for my brother. Night went to the house of my aunt Bhaskaram. Today I met my Guru Appanna Swamy also. He is doing well. Spent a happy travel day. Went to bed by 10:00.

20 April (Saturday)

Got up by 4:00. Got ready soon and started to Jaggampeta by 10:00. Went to hospital and saw sister-in-law Sandhya Rani there. Knew that she was admitted to hospital because it is expected by doctor that the delivery may take place soon. Spent at this hospital till 12:15. Then moved to bus complex. Took a bus for Samalkot by 1:00. Reached Samalkot railway station by 2:15. Bought a third-class ticket for 240 rupees for Visakhapatnam-Hazrat Nizamuddin Express (Link Express) to go to Hazrat Nizamuddin. It arrived by 3:15. Bought some bananas to have in the train journey for my supper. This is my first journey to North India in search of a job with the assistance of my brother Srinivas.

21 April (Sunday)

My train journey became difficult in the third-class compartment. I envied the comfortable journey of the passengers in the reserved compartments. The train reached Kazipet Junction by 12:00 (yesterday midnight). I could not find good food to eat. The train entered the state of Maharashtra crossing Sirpur Kagaj Nagar station. I could not sleep in the train. I became weak. 

22 April (Monday)

Woke up by 4:00. Dakshin Express reached its destination by 5:50. Walked out of the station and hired an auto rickshaw to New Delhi for 30 rupees. Reached New Delhi railway station by 6:30. Went to ticket counter and bought one for 57 rupees for Ambala Cantonment. Unchahar Express arrived by 8:00. It was running one hour late. It started by 9:15. It crossed many small stations and stopped at Ambala Cantonment station by 11:30. Haryana is a state of fertile agricultural farms and great buffalos. Came out from railway station and hired a rickshaw for ten rupees to 16 Engineering Regiment. I found my brother Srinivas resting on his cot in the barracks by 1:00. Had my lunch brought by him. Evening my brother and I went to cinema Nigar Palace and saw the Hindi film “Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge” of Sharukh Khan and Kajol. I liked it very much. We had fish curry and beer for our supper back at barracks. I stopped eating non-vegetarian food for many months as part of my spiritual observations. I never consumed liquor so far. My brother told me that one should shun one’s personal eccentricities to be part of army. I just want to join army for earning money. I am ready to do anything for it. I felt too giddy to stand after consuming a glass of beer. So, rested immediately after supper. Went to sleep by 11:00.

23 April (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:30. Spent all the day within the premises of 163 Bridging Company. Morning had two parotas for my breakfast. Spent most of the time lying on cot in barracks. Had my lunch by 1:30. Took a bath by 6:00. Had my supper by 9:30. Here mosquito population is high. Everybody ties mosquito net around cot before sleeping. Here food is better than that I had for three years while at the residential school in Bhoopatipalem. Soldiers look engaged in their duties during daytime. Some attend their compulsory night duties. They mostly speak Hindi and Tamil here. They maintain friendly relations among themselves. An Indian Air Force base is very near to this place. The loud noise of the movement of the aircraft in the sky can be heard from here frequently. It seems as if an air war is on in India. I found Haryana different during my train journey from the states of Maharashtra and Madhya Pradesh where most of the land is with forests, rocks and barren farms. Went to bed by 10:00.

24 April (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning had four dosas for my breakfast. My brother brought it from the civilian area. By 11:00 went out to a market on bicycle along with my brother. Bought an employment newspaper, a book of railway recruitment board, an air force entrance test book, a book detailing various courses of education available in India and job opportunities. I came here to find a job. It is not a simple thing in the present competitive environment of India. May God direct me with sympathy for me. I knew that I am not physically fit enough for any defense job. My brother told this after checking the measurements of my height, weight and chest. So, it became necessary for me to shun my habits of vegetarian food and being docile. Night I had mutton curry and some quantity of rum also. Man must be self-regulating in his thoughts and actions to achieve important goals of his life. Education adds beauty to one’s personality and getting a good job earns value for one in the society. Living with social dignity is important for a competent person these days. I am trying to get a job. Rest is left to God. Went to bed by 10:00.

25 April (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning had Upma for my breakfast. Spent most of the time within the barracks of my brother. Evening went to the house of Mahankali Satyanarayana in the civilian area along with my brother and had my supper there by 10:00. Today I ate three boiled eggs. Lakshmi is a good girl who attracted my heart and made me fall in deep love with her. We never dared talk to each other meeting somewhere secretly. We looked at each other when there was a chance. May be it is a dumb and soundless format of love. This silently budding relation of love between us came to the notice of the observant eyes of the most strategic character in the setting, namely the father of that girl (commonly observed truth in majority of such artless cases of love). He thought that the perfect remedy to the incurable disease of love in his daughter’s heart toward me is getting her married immediately. Eventually he followed the normal procedures of this kind of work and finalized the date of her marriage. I felt very annoyed and disturbed visualizing my stay in that place on the day of her marriage. Luckily my journey to Ambala was suddenly fixed up. So, I came here. Of course the job search is also one of the guiding factors. Today I knew that my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani gave birth to a pretty and chubby baby boy on the 21st of this month. It is happy news to all of us. My brother Srinivas felt immense pleasure to receive this merry news of his becoming father. Went to bed by 11:00.

26 April (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day within military area. Today I wrote a letter to my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju asking him to find a job for me. One, who is confined to one’s native area for long, can seldom improve oneself in a great way. He may earn millions of rupees some way and become rich. Still he remains ignorant of many things. He can’t feel the thrilling spirit of tours to various sacred temples and historical places staying in his palace. One’s mind expands (improvement in terms of awareness and analytical thinking and not the size of the head because of the expansion of brain inside) a lot when one spends for sometime in different places of one’s nation or world. There is much difference between bookish knowledge and practical experience. Reading international medical journals does not cure one’s headache but a tablet prescribed by doctor. Visiting various places provides us with a realistic understanding about various issues and the visual joy associated with those places is something to be felt, not to be explained by others. What is the world? What are its contents? How are they related? How are they going on? There is much pleasure to children and adults in taking excursions and tours to different places. Enthusiasts, going on an excursion by bus, feel delightful, when the bus is starting and shout happily, “Hurrah, Hurrah, Happy Excursion!” But, when they are returning from the spot, they remain silent. The thrill of shouting at the start of the journey is exhibited due to their visualization of the following joy in the scheduled places of interest and the calmness in their faces in the return journey is influenced by the realization of the fact that they are entering the same mundane life again after spending for a while in the world of happiness in those places. All the creatures sleep well that night because they are far away from those geographical images of happiness of temporary nature and they want to forget it in their sleep. Went to sleep by 10:15.

27 April (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent much of my time within military area. Evening went to the house of Satyanarayana along with him on his bicycle. Night a function took place in the 16 Engineering Regiment. Commanding Officer Colonel S T Rangarajan came to the function as chief guest. Some cultural activities took place. The melodious music created by army personnel is amazing. All the soldiers gathered there and enjoyed eating, drinking and dancing. I shared their joy in eating and drinking only as an uninvited guest. The commanding officer has striking physique and look. They took many photos on this occasion. I too was snapped once along with Satyanarayana in our eating poses. I felt happy to participate in that celebration. This farewell function took place on the occasion of this CO’s transfer to New Delhi. It ended by 11:30. We returned to the barracks by 12:00 with shaky bodies induced by our drunken souls. Went to bed by 12:15.

28 April (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent within the regiment till 1:00. Went out by 1:30 along with my brother Srinivas and his army friends. We saw the Hindi film “Haqeeqat” of Ajay Devgan and Tabu in cinema Nishaat. It was interesting. Went to sleep by 9:00.

29 April (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day within military area. The same daily routine goes on here. Breakfast at 6:30, lunch at 1:00 and supper at 8:00. Today I had mutton curry and rum. I have been a vegetarian for long. It made me thin. On the advice of my brother, I started eating non-vegetarian food. Here life seems me as a system of daily compromise. Those that are not physically fit for the military service can’t join it and use their wisdom for this nation. We can’t assume that we can find physically strong people with equal competence in intelligence also all the times. Thus imbalances occur in the recruitment of candidates to these defense services. I came here with much desire for getting a job but I could not. Oh my Lord Gopal! Why are You doing so? Show pity for me. Provide me with an independent life? What are You doing regarding Lakshmi? Was she formally connected to that bridegroom? See that she is happy with her husband. This is my humble request to You. Then what about my admiration for her? You have proved that dumb and silent love can’t reach the stage of drumbeats of marriage occasion. This generation is not for foolish nuts like me. Let it go on my God. Let me remain a dullard. I can live with this regret because I can do nothing to avoid it. I say all this to You clearly knowing that You seldom hear me. Went to bed by 10:15.

30 April (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day within military area. Today is the last day of this month. My farewell to it. It disappointed me much. My first trip to North India took place in this month. Also some other important events took place in it. Anyhow one thing is true. Many times tears are wetting my eyes silently because my destiny is going against my wishes. Only one satisfactory thing to me is that I could take the Intermediate examinations well in the early days of this month. Paradoxes or oddities to be confronted by me are as follows. My father likes me to be educated but does not give me enough money for it. How can I go on? I can’t earn even a paisa. I am trying for a job but the results are against me. A serious question arises in me and that is, should I live or die in this predicament because I can’t bear this agony. My belief in the existence of God itself is losing ground. I am a parasite. The life of a parasite is not different from that of a beggar. His existence depends on the moods of the donors concerned, to help him or not, based on their preferences, which are impulsive and erratic. Went to bed by 9:30.

1 May (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00 and entered the fifth month of this year. Let God direct everything well in this month. My prayers to Lord Gopal. My prayers to Lord Ganesh. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. By 11:30 went to Ambala Cantonment railway station along with Mahankali Satyanarayana of Elamanchili. Got one second-class ticket reserved to Dakshin Express from Hazrat Nizamuddin to Samalkot Junction for the 3rd of this month in my name. I saw an attractive woman, about 25, at the reservation counter, issuing me the ticket. She attracts one with her simple presence. She has unusual appeal in her physical appearance. I could not tell her that she is one of the great beauties of North India. We often lack eligibility to remark on the beauty of other people. The number of my reservation ticket is 31617772. Came back to regiment by 1:30. Had my lunch and took a siesta. By 6:30 went out along with my brother and his colleagues and had a bottle of slightly chilled beer joining them in that act. One of his friends is going on leave to his home after some six or seven months. He celebrated that occasion with this offer to us. I found he was happy to see his wife after a long time. Consuming a bottle of beer, being very new to the practice, is a test for me to assess whether I can withstand the difficulties of life or not. I proved victorious in my endeavor. I felt drowsy and wobbly after this pursuit of boozing. I turned absolutely outspoken once the liquid was in. Then I believed that there is a perceptible magic in this brew, which incites one to take on unnecessary challenges with renewed and abundant courage. Returned to the barracks and had a plate of rice with chicken curry along with my brother. May God bless and direct me. I felt dizzy. Went to bed by 10:30 saying good-bye to Lakshmi in my unclear mind.

2 May (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent all the day within military area. Evening took a bath by 5:00 and got dressed up. Night we go to New Delhi from Ambala Cantonment by Chhattishgarh Express, which departs by 10:00. We kept our luggage in bags and suitcases. We started to railway station by 7:15. On this date, last year, I got rid of the work of collection of cashew nuts from our mango and cashew garden at village Panduru to engage myself devotedly in the works related to my (this) brother’s marriage. This year, I am taking leave of Ambala Cantonment in the State of Haryana in North India. My stay for ten days in Ambala ended by today. Thank you my dear North India! You looked after me well. There are good and beautiful girls and women in Ambala Cantonment area. May God foster their sensitivity and beauty. My best wishes to all of them. I like these people and their busy schedules of life. I Love You North India! I don’t know when I can see you again. My warm goodbye to you! You can sense my suffering due to separation from you in the tears of my eyes. Adieu!

3 May (Friday)

Morning we detrained in New Delhi railway station. We decided to take a small day-tour to some tourist spots in New Delhi. Fare for one passenger is 80 rupees in this local tour bus. The places we visited were: Lakshmi Narayana Temple, Parliament, India Gate (erected in the memory of defense personnel that died in different wars and challenges of their profession), Indira Gandhi Memorial House, Kiddies Learners Pool (here we had our lunch), Qutub Minar (its construction was started by Qutubuddin Aibak and completed by Iltutmish) the showroom of handicrafts of the Indian Cottage Industries, the splendid embassies of various countries, Lotus Temple (a big church in a beautiful lotus-shaped building) and lastly Red Fort (a majestic symbol of our imperial history). By 6:00 in the evening we reached Hazrat Nizamuddin railway station from where we have to take Dakshin Express for Visakhapatnam. The train left the station by 8:30. Our journey back to South India was started. My best wishes to North India. New Delhi is a cosmopolitan city with its rich and beautiful contents. Went to sleep by 10:00 on my berth in the train.

4 May (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. The train is running through the State of Madhya Pradesh. It is stopping even at small stations. Today we had lunch twice. We drank plenty of water due to hot season. Some passenger bogies would be disconnected from this train at Kazipet Junction. They would be shunted to another train which goes to Hyderabad. Some passenger bogies that come from Hyderabad would be shunted to this train and taken to Visakhapatnam. For this reason, the people of South India call this train Link Express. The people of North India call it Dakshin Express. The train is running fast. Lord Gopal! Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. Save me and direct me. My prayers to You.

5 May (Sunday)

Early morning the train entered the State of Andhra Pradesh. It reached Samalkot Junction by 1:30. Thence I took a taxi and reached Gollalagunta by 2:00. By 3:00 came back to Jaggampeta. Took a bus by 5:00 and went to Molleru Mallavaram. Went to sleep by 9:00.

6 May (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning went to the house of my maternal aunt Satyavati along with my brother on a scooter by 8:00. There we had some mango fruit and buttermilk. Came back to Mallavaram from Tank Bead by 12:00. Spent rest of the day in Mallavaram. I saw the baby son of my brother Srinivas and sister-in-law. He is looking polite and attractive. I laid him down on my thighs and felt happy to find his innocent and soft aspect while sleeping. He is spending much of his time sleeping. His body is soft. Everybody feels sympathy looking at his expressions. He is stronger to his age of 15 days. May all the gods and goddesses bless him a long and happy life. He is accustomed to sleep only if fan is on beside or above him. The health of my sister-in-law is good. Today I watched some programs on Eenadu television channel in which the Telugu feature film “Gandhi Nagar Rendo Veedhi” was also included. Spent my time happily. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. My prayers to Lord Gopal and Lord Ganesh. Went to bed by 9:30.

7 May (Tuesday)

Got up by 6:00. Today it was very cloudy and cool till 10:00. Then gradually the warmth of the day increased. Today we are going to our abode in mango garden by hills along with Dora. Took a bus at Mallavaram by 11:00. Reached Jaggampeta by 12:00. Thence we took an auto rickshaw and reached Gollalagunta by 1:15. Spent talking with our folks there till 2:00 and then started back to Jaggampeta in an auto rickshaw. Took a lorry to Adduroad. We paid 30 rupees as fare for both of us. He drove the lorry very fast. We reached Adduroad by 5:00. Thence we took an auto rickshaw and reached home by 6:00. Today I had four sweet mango fruit. The sky was very cloudy. Today I had chicken curry. Knew that Lakshmi got married. I decided firmly not to look at her at all. Yet I admire her in my heart. Society is never bothered about matters related to one’s heart but one’s visible behavior. I can act well in that regard. Had a happy journey day. Went to bed by 10:00.

8 May (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I am going to Jaggampeta to meet my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju. Reached Adduroad by 9:00 in an auto rickshaw. Waited there for long to get a lorry. No driver stopped his vehicle for me. Meanwhile a Rajahmundry bound Express bus came. I took it. The bus ran fast. Reached Jaggampeta by 1:00. Went to the house of my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju. He was at home by that time. We talked about various things. I told him that I  decided to join Indian Army as a clerk. He disliked my joining army. He said that one loses one’s personal liberty there. Man comes to this earth to enjoy his life with his wife, children and other relatives living in his native place. One has to helplessly obey the orders of one’s superiors in the army like a slave. That job is meant for very poor candidates. I am not from a destitute family as such. I found his argument rational and convincing. Meanwhile heavy rain broke out with strong winds. It went on for half an hour. By 6:00 reached bus complex. Reached Gollalagunta by 8:00 by bus. Spent a happy journey day. Went to bed by 9:00.

9 May (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Jaggampeta by 10:00 in an auto rickshaw. Went to the house of my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju. Talked with him for sometime. Then went to post office and sent the filled in application form by registered post to Kurnool for the common entrance test into B.A. (Telugu medium) at Silver Jubilee Government Residential Degree College. Then moved to bus complex. Took a bus to Kakinada. Got off it at Kalyana Mantapam area and walked along the road to the nearby book stores. Bought a book for 75 rupees to prepare for the Lawcet. I could not find a book to prepare for the other test. Came back to Samalkot. Bought two towels at a cloth store. Bought a dozen bananas and snacks to take home. Took Vijayawada-Visakhapatnam passenger. Reached Narsipatnam Road railway station by 4:40. Got home by 5:00. Today the marriage of the eldest daughter of our former Kshatriya village president took place. Went to bed by 12:00.

10 May (Friday)

Woke up by 6:00. Went to Adduroad by 7:00 on bicycle and bought half a kilo of chicken. Spent at home rest of the day. The people in India are interestingly observing the environment of general elections to Lok Sabha and some State legislatures and the announcement of results. According to the latest information, the Indian National Congress and Bharatiya Janata Party are in lead in acquisition of Lok Sabha seats in various constituencies. It is predicted that coalition government might be formed. The results of some constituencies are yet to be announced to get a clear picture of the overall political scenario in the country. It was hot today. Body is getting sweaty. Morning listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Wrote a letter and posted to the degree college at Kurnool. Afternoon also listened to cine songs on radio till 5:30 from Vividha Bharati station. Night talked with my friend Kama Raju about the marriage of Lakshmi in Narsipatnam recently. I am hurt to know that she is permanently detached from me with her marriage. Moral principles expect me to treat her as a distant dream now. Spent a sad day with these thoughts. Went to bed by 10:00.

11 May (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning spent most of my time listening to cine songs on radio. Started to Adduroad by 2:00. Saw the Telugu film “Rowdy Alludu” in cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal. Returned home by 6:00. Today I saw Lakshmi when she was walking on the road. She became weak. Oh my Lord Gopal! Why have You made her weak? I was hurt to see her. She came here last Thursday. Though I like to see her, the harsh words of her mother make me keep away from that. God! Save me. See her be healthy and happy. Keep those smiles on her face bright. Let her be happy on her own. Went to bed by 11:00.

12 May (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Delhi Doordarshan. Afternoon listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Bandhuvulosthunnaaru Jaagraththa”. My best wishes to Lakshmi. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:00.

13 May (Monday)

Morning went to our mango and cashew garden at Panduru. From 8:00 to 6:00 involved in the work of mangoes. My brother Sambha takes this lorry load of mangoes for sale in some neighboring state. The raw mango collection work from trees would be hard in the sun. I knew that Lakshmi looked happy during her marriage. I don’t know whether she loved me or not. Even if she loved me, she can’t put a sad face in her marriage. One has to act in some inevitable occasions of one’s life. She must have done the same. My belief about her love for me might be mere imagination. She looked at me many times. They are the only evidences to believe that she loved me. Anyhow one must be financially independent to do anything effectively in these matters. What can she do? She can’t express her notions to anybody being a sensitive girl. Such girls fall prey to the orders of their traditionally oriented parents and relatives. Truth can’t be proved in such environment. There is God observing and directing everything on earth. There must be a reason for why he detached us. One should take one’s life in its positive dimension. Suffering and sorrow in us can’t reconstitute the society in the manner we want it to be. We are bound to move in its direction. That is what majority of the humanity has been doing for ages. Thus Lakshmi went away from me.

14 May (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Let me write a bit about the remembrances of my junior college life. I am very good at reciting the text of the answers to questions. So, I could manage well even though I prepared very little before and during the exams. To daily travel by train is a joy in itself. I had rice now and then offered by my classmates. During my second year Intermediate, I suffered a lot going to railway station early around 6:00 and returning home by 6:00 in the evening. It made me physically weak. I thought that I can’t do the exams well. I did them well. I did not talk with Lakshmi even for once expressing my love for her. That is the only regret for me. I had a mountain of love for her. I could not reach even a small piece of it to her through the words of my mouth. The two or three letters I wrote to her before her marriage, which were returned to me by postman, are symbols of my pure love for her. I tore them off out of disappointment. I should have kept them with me to cry whenever I like. I can’t reproduce those letters with such intensity of possessiveness and suffering for her now. It was a blunder on my part to tear them off that day. I deeply regret it now. Our love is dreamy in nature. Such admiration is suitable to live with memories, not in real life. Let her be happy after her marriage because it is the truth she has to accept and live with. Lord Krishna! Please be kind to sensitive lovers like us. Give them success now and then at least. Thus prove the truth of Your existence safeguarding virtue.

15 May (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. By 9:00 at night the lorry with its load of mangoes started. I feel sorry to find Lakshmi’s present situation. Though she does not like to marry somebody, she can’t tell it to her parents. She is also an ordinary Indian girl who can’t go against the established tradition, which is very strong. The great efforts of social reformers like Kandukuri Veeresalingam and Raja Ram Mohan Roy led to the intellectual development of women. They got liberty. Many girls are vulnerable in matters of their marriages. They should not be tested much in such issues. They are still too immature to take decisions regarding their marriages. Successful lovers and members of their families should safeguard their sensitivities and dreams carefully to keep them happy. They must be admired by boys but should not be insisted to marry. If they are very strong in their love for the other, they can somehow convince their parents. They have their plans and tricks. Boys should not prompt them toward extreme steps nor do it on their own. Time heals the wounds of human psyche. Man must give some time to time to do its treatment to him. Girls would be happy when boys admire them. They have very few avenues of personal enjoyment compared to boys. Boys should pity their existence and try to please them somehow.

16 May (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. Even today I spent in our mango garden at Panduru. Today I cooked rice and curry. Today I have no much work to do. Spent most of my time lying on cot guarding the valuable gunny bags of cashew nuts in the hut. Those days, which moved away from us, are greater than the ones to be witnessed in the present or future. I felt very happy when Lakshmi came here during her holidays. She studied staying at the house of her maternal grandparents in Narsipatnam. She used to look at me filling all her love for me in her eyes only. She remains like a goddess in my heart forever. Ours is a sweet and soft love. Only God developed such attachment between us to make us savor the fragrance of love for each other. We never thought of talking to each other through secret planning. We never met to decide to talk. It is all some belief in one that the other is in love with one. I felt happy if I knew that she was in her house and sorrow to know that she was going back to the house of her grandparents. There was no role of mediator for our love because we did not know if we were that serious about one another until her marriage was fixed. But there was one villain to our delicate love. It was none other than her father. He is a great liar and sinner. He is scared to accept the truth being an aged fellow also. That was what I hated in him the most. He lied that his daughter does not know my name also. Sincere and sensitive lovers should be careful about such dogs in the society.

17 May (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning cooked rice and curry. My father came here by 10:00. I got ready and took bicycle to go home. Reached home by 11:30. Spent all the day at home. My mother went to Molleru Mallavaram to participate in the occasion of “Seeing Shadows in Oil” regarding the baby of my brother Srinivas. My brother Sambha went along with the lorry of export load of mangoes. My father is in our mango garden near village Panduru. I am alone at home. I found many signs of love in the eyes of Lakshmi. I think I did not react well to her love. She must have suffered to witness a passive creature like me. I believe that though she is physically away from me, psychologically she can’t distance me from her. This is the universal state of sensitive lovers. That is their drawback and asset as well. Went to bed by 11:00.

18 May (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning went to our mango garden by hills and returned by 12:30. Today I listened to many cine songs on radio; nearly five hours of songs with high volume. Presently cooking and sweeping at home are my duties. Spent day and night alone at home. Solitude is an unbearable condition to many people like me. Lakshmi came here five days ago. Then went back to her husband’s home after staying here for three or four days. Still she is trying to make me know that she is here. She is looking at me even after her marriage. What do these looks mean? Lovers can remain lovers even after marriage if their mutual admiration is based on purity of imaginations for one another. There is nothing wrong if such folks look at one another by chance just to believe that they are not enemies to one another in any sense. Perhaps my God gives such answer to me if He has a bold heart to come and talk to me face-to-face. Today it rained a bit and cooled me. I felt delighted. Went to bed by 9:00.

19 May (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Afternoon went to Adduroad and saw the Telugu film “Killer” of Nagarjuna in cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal. It was good. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Manasu Oka Mandhaaram” of Chiranjeevi and Krishnam Raju. It was amazing. Went to sleep by 9:00.

20 May (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning cooked rice and curry and swept home clean. Started to our mango garden near Panduru by 8:00 on our short bicycle. Tied a gunny bag of mango fruit on its back back seat and started back at once. Returned home by 10:10. By that time my brother Sambha and my uncle Narayana Murthy were at home. They recently went along with the lorry of export load of mangoes. Spent rest of the day at home listening to cine songs of Telugu, Hindi, Tamil, Malayalam and Kannada languages on radio. It went on from 12:30 to 5:30. Today my mother returned from Molleru Mallavaram by 2:30. She said that the name of the child, the little one of my brother Srinivas and sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, was set as “Datla Venkata Shiva Krishna Varma”. It is acceptable for me also. Also today it is the first marriage anniversary of Srinivas and Sandhya. Lakshmi’s marriage day falls one month earlier to that of these two. Her marriage took place when I was in train travelling toward North India. Today it rained. Went to sleep by 9:00.

21 May (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent at home day and night. Today I listened to various cine songs on radio day and night. Today I spent all my time lying on bed. Night Lakshmi came into my dream. She is trying to tell me that she is at their home. She wants me to know it. She feels happy if she knows that I know that she is here only near me in some distance. It’s all right once upon a time when she was unmarried but now she is married. Now she absolutely belongs to her husband, both physically and spiritually. It is all right if I know somehow that she is here. Trying to tell that to me in my dream shows how pitiable her life has become in reality also. I pity her. May God give enough fortitude to her to enable her to withstand the disorder of her life. Let those smiles on her bright face be nourished by Him. May He bless her and direct her. Let her life slowly be accustomed to those traditional familial principles and observations. Let my heart be effective in forgetting the memories of her sweet and soft expressions of love for me through her looks. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Spent a calm day. Went to bed by 9:00.

22 May (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to our mango garden near Panduru by 6:00 on our short bicycle and reached there by 7:00. Cooked rice and curry. Prepared Lawcet material for sometime. Today I ate many mango fruit. Lakshmi recently went to the house of her in-laws in Narsipatnam. I don’t know how she is dealing with her husband. If she did not love me much, she can slowly adjust with her husband. I believe that she loved me very much. She played two cine songs loudly one day. They are the Hindi song “Bahoot Pyaar Karte Hain Tumse Shanam” and the Telugu song “Oh Premaa, Naa Premaa” which revealed her admiration towards me. Why didn’t she refuse that marriage? Did she love me? If so, what about the marriage? Only God knows the fact. Oh my God! Do something. Show me what is right and what is wrong. I can’t withstand Your tough tests. I am Your child. Rule me well. Today the sky was cloudy. Went to bed by 9:00.

23 May (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 8:00 my brother Srinivas brought rice and vegetables to this place for cooking needs over here. He started back to home on bicycle by 10:00 with a gunny bag of mango fruit. Today I cooked rice and red dal broth. Prepared Lawcet material for sometime. Last night I had a great dream. In it, Lakshmi is trying to be related to me again. She told me to come to a place. By the time I reached there on bicycle, she served rice and curry to my brother Srinivas. She did not talk much with me. She is at her home moving here and there. She is trying to find where I am. I am happy to find her there. The son of her maternal aunt Uma is the mediator. It was a clear dream. I could not believe in my eyes. I was upset to recollect that dream today. Oh my God! What is this? Make my journey of life pure and sacred. Do which You like. I’m Thy son. I obey Thy orders. Rule me. My prayers to Thy soft feet. Went to bed by 9:00.

24 May (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. For the last two days, I have been staying at our mango garden near Panduru. Here my duty is cooking rice and curry and taking care of the valuable contents of crop, kept in the hut. Today also I prepared Lawcet material. Today it was cloudy and cool. Today I state an important declaration of my life in my diary “I admired Polisetty Lakshmi, the eldest daughter of Polisetty Naidu, the former ration depot dealer in our village. I admired her in my heart. I cried remembering her many times because I had no access to see her when I felt so. I did my best to win her. I left much space for her in my heart. I told her father that I would marry her. He and his wife badly humiliated me at their house. I was severely hurt by that incident. She eventually married another person. Then I started considering my love for her as illusion. I decided to permanently disconnect my spiritual relationship with her from the 31st of this month. I want to start a new life from the following month”. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 May (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning cooked rice and curry. My brother Sambha came here by 8:30. I started from Panduru by 9:00 on our short bicycle with a gunny bag of mango fruit. Reached our rented house by 10:15. It was sultry. By 1:30 my cousin Naren and I started to Adduroad on our short bicycle. We saw the Telugu film “Muddhaayi Muddhugumma” of Suman and Ramya Krishna (their first combination) in cinema Venkatapathiraju Mahal. Returned home by 5:00. Night watched “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” program and the Hindi feature film “Sahiba” (for half an hour only) on Delhi Doordarshan. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:30.

26 May (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Afternoon watched the Telugu feature film “Baavaa Maradhallu” and the program “Chithra Tharangaalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Then left for Adduroad. Gave the pieces of cloth, recently bought in Ambala Cantonment, to the King Tailors for stitching. Then bought vegetables in the weekly market and returned home. Last Sunday evening the Telugu feature film was “Prema Tharangaalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan and this evening it is “Evaru Monagaadu”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

27 May (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Stayed all the day at home and spent most of my time listening to cine songs on radio. For the last ten days, I have been eating many mango fruit every day. Let me attend the point of my love for Lakshmi. She made me believe that she loved me. She expressed her admiration for me through many signs. All that went futile when she remained silent at the time of talks of her marriage. Her marriage date was finalized. Still she looked normal. I suffered a lot to find all these events happening before me. Love would be successful only if the two creatures try hard. One creature’s efforts rarely bring the desired ending. Went to bed by 9:00.

28 May (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to our mango garden near Panduru by 6:00 on our short bicycle along with my brother Sambha. Spent there till 3:00. Then started back to our village along with my cousin Hari, the son of my maternal aunt Bhaskaram. Reached home by 4:30. Night watched some programs on Hyderabad Doordarshan. I am completely withdrawing my love for Lakshmi. What I mean by this is that I do not care for her hereafter. When she came here, how long she stayed here and when she is going away from here; I carefully observed these things till now. But my broken heart cannot do all these things hereafter. It wants to forget that futile love. I took a long time to convince my heart that its love for Lakshmi is illusive. Went to bed by 11:00.

29 May (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning went to our mango garden near Panduru and returned home by 11:30. Morning my uncle Varma came from Gollalagunta. My uncle Rama Krishnam Raju and uncle Rama Raju came here from Raja Venkata Nagaram by 7:00 in the evening. My love for Lakshmi is perfect. I loved her sincerely. Oh my Lord Krishna! Give me enough strength to forget that person completely. Provide me with psychological balance. I want to join Indian Army. I want to be away from this gloomy, nasty and evil place. I pray You with tears in my eyes. Otherwise please bless me with demise. I am absolutely tired and disappointed from all the corners. What sins did I commit to have these circumstances around me? If I can’t be a successful lover, let me at least remain as a common man. Don’t madden me with this turbulent flow of thoughts. Today it was hot. Went to bed by 10:00.

30 May (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. Started to our mango garden near Panduru by 6:00. The guarding duty of gunny bags of cashew nuts at the hut in the garden ended by today. Reached home by 10:00. Yesterday I saw the Telugu film “Ooha” in cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal at Adduroad along with my uncle Varma. Whatever it is, Lakshmi is a good girl. I can’t blame her. I am sorry my dear Lakshmi. I have decided to forget you. Lakshmi, I feel immense grief to forget you. You are a God’s gift to me. There is none to love me except you. There is none to love you except me. Lakshmi, pardon me wholeheartedly if I used wrong words addressing you. But Lakshmi, why did you love me? Why did you make me love you so deeply that I find it difficult to forget you? My caresses to your soft feet. Let that great God foster their beauty and softness forever. My admiration for you never dies. It lies somewhere in my heart. But I don’t care for you and see you hereafter. I must do this though not possible for me. I am writing your name 108 times in my diary to express my love for you in my heart. Went to bed by 10:00.

31 May (Friday)

Woke up by 4:00. All the day spent at home. Today is the day of complete withdrawal of my love for Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi. Thank you my dear Lakshmi. Hereafter I don’t write about you in my diary. There won’t be any relationship between you and me because you did not do even a little to strengthen our love. You have silently married. I was proved a worthless bloke because of your silence. This is my farewell to you and your love for me. Have a long and happy life. Went to bed by 9:00.

1 June (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Went to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Knew that Tirumala Express was running three hours late. Took an auto rickshaw to Adduroad and from there a lorry. Reached Elamanchili by 10:00. Met my friend Marisetti Chiranjeevi of village Enugu Tuni. Thereafter went to Balu Type Institute. Knew that I got 64 marks in my second paper and 22 in speed (first) paper, which brought me failure in the test. Thence went to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Saahasa Veerudu Saagara Kanya” of Venkatesh and Shilpa Shetty. It was good. Returned to railway station. Spent there for three hours talking with my friend Chiranjeevi. Reached home by 4:00 by Tirumala Express. Went to bed by 9:00.

2 June (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning my uncle Rama Krishnam Raju and my cousin Hari left for their village Tank Bead. The news of this week is the demise of Neelam Sanjeeva Reddy, the former President of India. Listened to Tamil cine songs from Chennai radio station from 10:30 to 11:00. Started to Adduroad by 2:00. Bought vegetables in the weekly market and returned home by 4:30. Went to bed by 9:00.

3 June (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 8:00 went to our mango garden by hills and returned soon. Evening went to village Peda Gummuluru along with my uncle Varma. Spent rest of the day at home. My thought follows, “Age between 12 and 19 is very dangerous. During this stage, an automatic and novel transformation takes place in one’s body and mind. Fascination toward the opposite gender starts. A male teenager wishes to see the beauty of a teenage girl. He starts trials to attract some girl. He desires to talk with any girl at hand. He would be happy talking or walking with any beautiful girl. He slowly detaches himself from the strong bonds with his parents and relatives. He gradually develops attachment with a girl. The eyes of the girl he loves look filled with love for him. His heart wishes to spend much time with her by hook or by crook. The sweetness of that togetherness makes them slowly become victims to one another. Their minds turn sad and vulnerable if any change takes place around them against their wishes. They try to conceal their love relationship from their parents and society. In that condition, they lack courage to face critical situations which may befall them eventually. They become gloomy and disheartened if separation occurs between them for some reasons. They slowly forget those pains and regrets of the heart. Most of these things remain unknown to their parents. They presume that their children are ready to be married off soon to somebody. Thereafter they lead a life of compromise and conformity. Later they too mostly behave in the same way with their children, condemning their love and insisting them to obey their orders”. Went to sleep by 9:30.

4 June (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home without doing any useful work. By 3:00 my brother Srinivas came from Jaggampeta. Today I received the hall ticket for the Lawcet from Hyderabad. My registered number is 504901. Another hall ticket came from Kurnool for the Common Entrance Test into Silver Jubilee Degree College. Lawcet consists of three question papers: one is of General Knowledge for 40 marks; one is of Current Affairs for 40 marks and one is of Aptitude for the Study of Law for 40 marks. The duration of the examination is 90 minutes. My center of examination is Dr. B R Ambedkar College of Law, Andhra University, Visakhapatnam. It would be conducted on the 15th of this month. The scheduled timing of the examination is 10:30 a.m. to 12:00 a.m. The entrance test into B.A. of the Silver Jubilee Government Residential Degree College at Kurnool takes place on the 23rd of this month. It consists of five papers. English paper is for 100 marks. Telugu, History, Economics and Civics papers are for 50 marks each. My registered number for this entrance test is 0039. The venue of this entrance test is S V Krishna College, Visakhapatnam. Went to bed by 9:30.

5 June (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 8:00 started to Adduroad on our short cycle with a gunny bag of mango fruit. My uncle Varma, my brother Sambha and my cousin Hari are going to Gollalagunta. They took a lorry for Jaggampeta. Had my haircut at a hair salon and returned home by 9:30. Spent rest of the day at home preparing Lawcet material. Night watched the program “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Recently, when I was cooking the curry of okra in the mango garden near village Panduru, some of the hot curry fell on my left leg and burnt it there. A sore developed there. It is still paining. A boil also developed on my right leg. It is also causing me pain. Thus my two legs were affected. My body became weak. My heart is sad. For the last two weeks, I have been eating many mango fruit. Still I could not notice any improvement in the strength of my body. Today it is World Environment Day. Nature is God’s gift. Its accessible elements and visible phenomena are delicate and beautiful. Man must protect them because they can’t be reproduced if lost. Even if they can be reproduced, they lack that texture and sheen in them, which can be filled by creative and aesthetic God only. God is superior to man. He excels man in creating beautiful things. Spent a calm day. Went to bed by 9:00.

6 June (Thursday)

Woke up by 4:00. Spent at home all the day. From 11:00 to 3:00 prepared questions and answers of Mental Ability section from the Lawcet preparation book, which carries 10 marks out of 120. I already prepared the section of General Knowledge. From 4:00 in the evening the sky was cloudy. Listened to cine songs of Tamil, Malayalam and Kannada languages from 3:30 to 5:15 from Vividha Bharati radio station. Also listened to some cine songs from the Asia Service Division of Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation. The voice of K J Yesudas is extraordinary. He was recently appointed as the Royal Singer of the State of Kerala. It is very difficult for a sincere and devoted lover to completely forget his beloved (the angel in his heart) even after the occurrence of a permanent material separation from her. The delicate and beautiful palms of a tenderly brought up girl, by her possessive parents, become rough, if she is asked to carry out tough domestic chores, like washing clothes and dishes, after her marriage, at the house of her in-laws. Went to bed by 9:00.

7 June (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning scanned a newspaper and found that the results of our Intermediate examinations are not yet published. By 10:10 started to Raja Venkata Nagaram on our short bicycle. Spent at the house of my uncle Rama Raju till 1:40. Then came back to Adduroad and saw the Telugu film “C.B.I. Officer” of Suresh Gopi in cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal. I liked it very much. It deals with the devastating effects of drugs on the people of a country. In the disguise of a saint, one runs his secret business of drugs in the country. In the climax, the hero kills that villain. It entertained me a lot. Returned home by 5:30. Night watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “The meaning of love was completely changed nowadays. If a boy says that he is in love with a girl, the other bloke asks whether he went physical or not with that girl. In my view, it is a wrong perception about love. Lovers must never yield to their bodily temptations before their marriage. There is no surety that all lovers should or would get married. Sensitive love is related to one’s mind. It is guided by platonic and fantastic admiration for the other person. A boy can go to a prostitute to satisfy his instincts. There is no need of falling in love with a girl for it. A girl should marry at the earliest to fulfill her desires of that nature, if that is the case (as of now the gigolo culture is not found much in India). One’s love, which is sexually oriented, loses its depth very soon in relation to one’s life partner or sweetheart. Love is not a game centered on the passions of flesh for mutual need fulfillment. Marriage is the way to be followed for that societal and reproductive purpose. Love makes one live in dreamland or helplessly suffer for long and eventually may or may not lead to marriage with the admired one. It is a very risky pursuit compared to marriage in majority of the cases when it is greatly understood and ideally practiced by the ones involved”. Went to bed by 9:30.

8 June (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home all the day. Today I listened to cine songs on radio for about four hours from the stations of Visakhapatnam, Hyderabad, Vividha Bharati and Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation. Today it was announced on radio and television that Basheeruddin Babukhan, the present minister of higher education for Andhra Pradesh, has released the results of the recently held Intermediate examinations, in Hyderabad. It was also announced that this time more number of girls got appreciable marks in these examinations than boys. The total number of students that attended these examinations is 3, 83, 855. The overall pass percentage is 40.13. The first rank in M.P.C. went to S Madhavi, in Bi.P.C. to S P Lakshmi Kumari and in Humanities to V Sridevi. Their respective marks are 962/1000, 940/1000 and 828/1000. Night watched the program of Hindi cine songs “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

9 June (Sunday)

Woke up by 4:30. Started to Adduroad by 7:00. Bought the copies of Telugu dailies Andhra Jyothi and Eenadu. I found my Intermediate registered number in the first class section. I felt very happy. My salutes to Lord Krishna and Mother Saraswati. Evening went to Adduroad and bought vegetables in the weekly market. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Jagath Jetteelu”. I did not watch it till the end. Went to sleep by 9:00.

10 June (Monday)

Woke up by 4:30. By 8:00 started to our mango garden on bicycle and returned home by 11:00. Started to Raja Venkata Nagaram by 11:30 on bicycle. Spent there till 4:00. My maternal aunt Satyavathi and my brother Sambha came there from Jaggampeta by 1:00. I returned home by 4:30. Again, at once, started back to Adduroad to collect my stitched clothes from the tailor. Knew that my trousers are not yet stitched. Felt angry at the tailor and returned home. The second year Intermediate education is an important facet of my early part of life. During this academic year, I went astray. I saw many obscene films. I did not concentrate on my studies. This might be partly because I was hurt by the events that occurred in the context of my admiration for a girl. One resorts to bad practices when one fails in good things of one’s life. I could not believe in myself. I was hopeless about my pass in the examinations. Just before four days to the annual examinations, I moved to the house of my maternal aunt Raja Kumari and attended my exams from there. I delivered what I prepared. This time also I got first class. Thank You my dear Lord Krishna. Went to bed by 9:00.

11 June (Tuesday)

Woke up by 4:30. All the day spent at home. From 9:00 to 9:10 listened to two Telugu cine songs on radio. The first one is “Ninu Choodaka Nenundalenu, Ee Janmalo Mari Aa Janmalo” from the film “Neerajanam” and the second one is “Prema Entha Madhuram, Priyuraalu Antha Kathinam” from the film Abhinandana. From 11:00 to 1:30 prepared the section of Current Affairs from the Lawcet book. From 3:30 to 5:30 listened to cine songs from Vividha Bharati and Sri Lanka radio stations. Night watched television for sometime. Today it was partly cloudy. It rained from 5:00 in the evening for sometime. Recently I ate many mango fruit. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

12 June (Wednesday)

Woke up by 4:30. Spent at home most of the day. Today I prepared the section of Aptitude for the Study of Law from the Lawcet book. By 5:30 in the evening I started to Adduroad to collect my stitched clothes from the Style King Tailors. The stitching came well. Today it was hot during the day with black clouds in the sky. It rained in the evening and at night. This morning and evening I listened to cine songs of Hindi, Tamil, Kannada and Malayalam languages on radio. Afternoon watched the live telecast of Lok Sabha proceedings on Delhi Doordarshan. Hot conversations were going on among its members. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Let that great God direct my life. Let that great God provide me with peace of mind, success in the path of education, honesty in character and softness and sensitivity in voice. My prayers to Lord Shiva. My prayers to Mother Saraswati to bless me with sagacity and wisdom. My prayers to Lord Ganapathi. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

13 June (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Today I prepared the section of Aptitude for the Study of Law from the Lawcet book. From 9:00 to 10:30 listened to melodious cine songs of various languages on radio. Night watched two Telugu programs “Samskaaram” and “Sthree Roopam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it rained heavily. I wonder to look at my slim body. All this must be attributed to my habit only. In the second year of my Intermediate education, I did not eat good food at the supposed times. I kept my stomach partly filled or empty on most of the afternoons. Every time I have to financially depend on my father. I don’t like to be a parasite. One should be independent in the matters of earning and spending. Nowadays nothing is going on without money. I pray my Lord Gopal to give me physical energy. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

14 June (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning wrote a letter to my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani. Today I prepared the section of Aptitude for the Study of Law from the Lawcet book. My preparation was over by today. By 12:30 went to Narsipatnam Road railway station and enquired about the availability of an early morning train toward Visakhapatnam. It was said that no train might arrive in time due to the effect of heavy rains in and around Madras. On the way I posted my long letter to my sister-in-law. From 3:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs of various languages on radio. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. For the last few nights, I have been witnessing the onslaught of dreams in which obscenity dominates. Save me Lord Hanuman! Went to bed by 9:00.

15 June (Saturday)

Woke up by 4:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 5:00. Godavari Express arrived by 6:00. Reached Visakhapatnam by 8:00 and from the station to Andhra University by 8:30. The venue is Dr. B R Ambedkar College of Law. My registered number is 504801. A very beautiful girl sat on my right side. Her registered number is 504807. Her name is Patiba Harita. I wished her success in the entrance test. The Lawcet examination was over by 11:30. Reached bus complex by 12:30. Took a bus to Anakapalle. From there another bus up to Elamanchili. Went to Government Junior College. Collected information about my marks in the second year Intermediate. God gave them. Somehow I did not feel satisfactory. Returned home by Godavari Express. Went to sleep by 8:30.

16 June (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent all my time at home. Morning listened to Telugu cine songs on radio for sometime. From 3:00 to 4:00 listened to Telugu play “House Surgeon” on radio. It was fantastic. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Love Marriage”. I did not watch it till the end. Watched the Telugu program “Prema” instead. Evening it rained a bit. Went to sleep by 8:30.

17 June (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning listened to devotional songs on radio for sometime. By 9:00 started to NRPM railway station. Knew that Tirumala Express was running very late. Walked to the nearby bus stop. Took a bus to Adduroad. Took a lorry from there. Reached Elamanchili by 10:30. Went to Government Junior College. Knew that the Intermediate certificate would not be issued today. Then went to cinema Venkateswara and saw the Telugu film “Rangeela” directed by Ram Gopal Varma. It is an interesting film portraying passionate love between two lovers. The dormant love of Oormila for Aamir Khan gets manifested toward the end of the film. The songs are also exciting. I liked it very much. Thence walked to a hotel by station road and had a plain dosa. Then moved to railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 5:00. Reached home by 5:45. The irregular rain on for the last few days stopped today. Still the sky is cloudy. My prayers to Lord Gopal. My prayers to Lord Shiva. Spent a jolly day. Went to bed by 9:00.

18 June (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Morning and evening listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. My thought follows, “Nowadays many are frequently using the word “love”. It is heard in many cine songs and films. Two creatures fall in love and get closely related soon. Love does not take years, months or even weeks sometimes to develop between two persons. Love is not a wrong pursuit, if the two hearts, involved in it, are moderately committed, considerably pure and believably perfect. If only bodily desires of the two creatures dominate the scene, it is not more than watching a good English film based on passionate love. The film runs for a few minutes and the love between such creatures lasts for a few months. One should agree that sincere lovers can’t spend far away from one another for long. Physical closeness is an essential element of love. Separation is a great burden to be borne by real lovers. Utilizing the physical nearness for the fulfillment of bodily desires is a wrong trait of love. It should be based on moral principles. So, it is necessary that they refrain themselves from such temptations before their formal personal or social event of cultural unity. We call it a love marriage or an arranged marriage or a registered marriage or some other marriage, which the two lovers can find to be satisfactory, compared to other types of marriages. The important point is that sexual life should never precede marriage but should follow it. After this social contract only the lovers should enjoy their liberty cent percent in every sense. Otherwise the concept and practice of love become another name or act for the fulfillment of mutual gender needs in a suitable setting of the concerning relationship called “love”. One should not use this word as a term of safe zone for such mean acts. Smiles, looks, daily conversations and meetings are generally the acceptable and appreciable channels of mutual admiration for lovers. They should share their feelings and notions time to time in a sensitive, honest and decent manner. They may look mad to others in their other kinds of similar pursuits. Otherwise there is no difference between the bond of two lovers and the attachment between a client and a prostitute at a brothel. It is common that true lovers forget the world around them once they are deep in love. It is all the effect of admiration for one another. It is a good sign to be observed between two lovers”. Afternoon and evening watched some cine songs on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

19 June (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 7:15 started to our mango garden by hills. Spent there for one hour and returned home by 9:00. Listened to various cine songs on radio. Afternoon rested for a while. Day and night watched some cine songs on Doordarshan. Evening listened to cine songs from Vividha Bharati radio station. Being a student, spending most of the time listening to cine songs on radio, may not be a good habit. Leave it to God. Today it was cloudy and hot. For the last few days I have been eating many sweet mango fruit. My thought follows, “Dreamland is the location of fantastic fiction created in one’s mind. That is where one can feel completely liberated. The real events occurring around one’s life might appear there now and then. Sweet dreams and nightmares are the two sides of the same coin of one’s dreamland. Idealists and great artists mostly enjoy sweet dreams in their dreamland. Nightmares are rare occurrence to them. If one can visualize, or record in a tangible form, all the sweet dreams of one’s life, after waking up from one’s sleep, on a continuous basis, there is no necessity of going to heaven for other kind of bliss. Many dreams are forgotten once one is out of one’s bed. What is a dream? May be one of the greatest gifts of God to frustrated humanity of the world”. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 9:00.

20 June (Thursday)

Woke up by 4:30. Had a glass of hot milk by 7:00. Listened to cine songs on radio from 9:00 to 10:00. By 10:30 started to Adduroad. Gave some mango fruit to Doctor Srinivas. Also took one black and white passport size (the size of which is similar to the one pasted on a passport in India) photo from Gopala Krishna Photo Studio. Returned home by 12:30. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Night watched some programs on Doordarshan. Parrots are making inviting sounds in the blue welkin. My hearty welcome to their sweet calls. My thought follows, “Children spend a happy life under the supervision and support of their parents. After their marriage, duties land on their carefree shoulders. One has to live, feel and care for the other. No much freedom or peace can be found like before. But there would be a special bond of affection and attraction between the two persons. The initial three or four years of one’s married life looks very boring beyond the presence of one’s spouse for any reasons. Gradually they balance themselves and resort to their children for other kind of love from them. The blessings of God are always necessary for lovers (married or unmarried) to be happy”. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

21 June (Friday)

Woke up by 4:40. Spent all the day at home. From 9:00 to 10:30 listened to cine songs on radio. I ate six mango fruit today. From 2:00 to 5:15 listened to cine songs on radio. Evening watched Telugu cine songs in the program “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night watched the Hindi feature film “Aur Ek Prem Kahaani” of Ramesh Arvind, Heera and Revati. It is a national award-wining film. Heera is a student in a medical college and stays in a rented house. Revati is a domestic help in that house. Arvind also enters that house. Gradually love develops between Heera and Ramesh Arvind. One day Heera sings a melodious song in her college. He likes her talent of singing. Revati also slowly enters the mind of Arvind. She is uneducated. One night they cross the border of male-female relationship beyond marriage, which is objectionable according to the moral standards of Hindu society. She eventually becomes pregnant and dislikes abortion. Meanwhile Heera goes away on excursion. Arvind takes Revati away and marries her. After some days, Heera visits them as a doctor. She sees her ex-lover with his present son and wife. She cries recollecting her past. The story establishes that even sincere lovers may get separated at times due to unexpected events befalling either one of them. Went to bed by 12:00.

22 June (Saturday)

Woke up by 4:40. Spent all the day at home. From 9:00 to 9:45 listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Today I prepared a bit for the entrance test of the Silver Jubilee Residential Degree College at Kurnool. My mind is not under my control. So, I could not prepare well. May Lord Gopal direct me in this entrance test. May Lord Ganapathi bless me. Today it was hot. Today I ate six mango fruit. Night watched the program of Hindi cine songs “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. Spent a silent day. Went to bed by 9:00.

23 June (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 6:00 took a bus from Adduroad for Visakhapatnam to attend the entrance examination of the Silver Jubilee Degree College at Kurnool. The bus reached me late to the city. I was not allowed inside to take the entrance test for this reason. I regretted taking a bus. Afternoon watched the Telugu feature film “Dheyyam” in cinema Sharat. Returned home by 8:00 by Visakhapatnam-Rajahmundry passenger. Went to sleep by 10:30.

24 June (Monday)

Woke up by 4:40. Went to NRPM railway station by 9:40. Tirumala Express had already left the station. Walked to the nearby bus stop and took a bus for Adduroad. From there took a lorry for Elamanchili. Got off it near cinema Tulasi Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Anaganagaa Oka Roju” of J D Chakravarthy and Oormila. I liked the attractive role of Oormila in this film. I liked the film as a whole. The hilarious acting of comedian Brahmaanandham toward the end is outstanding. Afternoon went to Government Junior College to know about the issue of issuance of my Intermediate certificate. The date of issuance of certificates is not yet finalized. Had a plain dosa at the hotel by station road and came to railway station. Tirumala Express was running late today. Bokaro-Alleppey Express arrived by 4:00. Reached home by 5:00. Today I ate four mango fruit. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 June (Tuesday)

Got up by 4:40. Listened to cine songs on radio from 8:30 to 9:00. Then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:30. Detrained in Elamanchili and proceeded to Government Junior College. Knew that yet the original Intermediate mark lists did not reach the college. They issued me a provisional marks list for the time being. I got it photocopied and returned it to them. Came back to railway station by 11:00. Took Visakhapatnam-Tuni shuttle and reached home by 11:40. Went to post office at Peda Gummuluru by 1:00. Came back to home by 1:30. Listened to cine songs on radio from 3:00 to 5:00. Meanwhile it started raining and continued till 5:30. I feel hurt to know that one, who is interested in education, is born in a family of uneducated ones. They can’t contribute well to the education of their children. Thus they suffer a lot being unable to get proper support and encouragement from their folks also. I partly belong to such family. Went to bed by 9:00.

26 June (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Knew that Tirumala Express was running very late today. Walked to the nearby bus stop and took an auto rickshaw to Adduroad. From there took a lorry to Elamanchili. Went to Government Junior College and collected my Intermediate Study Certificate and Transfer Certificate. Thence moved to bus complex. There I found P Suresh Balu of Intermediate M.P.C. Group, who got 819/1000 marks in our college. He said that he would also come to Visakhapatnam. We walked to railway station. Spent there for sometime. Tuni-Vizag DMU passenger arrived by 2:00. We took it. I did not buy ticket. The journey went on well. Nobody asked me for ticket. We detrained in Visakhapatnam. I took a city bus and went to V S Krishna College. Filled in the application form and attached the required photocopies of certificates. Submitted it in the college by 5:00. Came back to railway station by 6:10. Bought a ticket for Narsipatnam Road for Visakhapatnam-Kakinada passenger. Reached home by 9:00. Went to bed by 10:00.

27 June (Thursday)

Got up by 4:40. It started drizzling soon. It stopped by 7:00. All the day spent at home. Morning my aunt Raja Kumari came from Raja Venkata Nagaram. Some cooking went on in our house in which my mother and my aunt Satyavathi also participated. Today I spent most of my time listening to cine songs on radio. From 8:00 to 10:00 did it from the stations of Vividha Bharati, Sri Lanka, Hyderabad and Visakhapatnam. Then prepared farewell messages to our lecturers for sometime. From 2:30 to 5:00 listened to melodious cine songs from Sri Lanka and Vividha Bharati radio stations. Today it was cloudy and cool. Night watched some programs on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today I ate six mango fruit. My prayers to Lord Gopal. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. My prayers to Lord Hanuman. My prayers to Lord Ganesh. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

28 June (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Went to NRPM railway station by 8:30. Visakhapatnam–Vijayawada passenger arrived by 9:00. Suresh Balu, one of my junior college friends, came by this train. I went there to receive him. Both of us went to our mango garden by hills. We strolled through the surrounding mango groves for sometime. We collected some left out mangoes from those trees. We returned home by 12:15. We had some water and proceeded to NRPM railway station. A passenger train arrived by 12:30. He gets off it at Regupalem station, the very next one after NRPM. Today it was cloudy. It is easy to fall in love but difficult to come out of it. Again I am intended to write about Lakshmi. Sorry my God. Understand me. She came here on the 12th of this month. She spent most of her time in their house. I decided not to look at her at all. She thinks that I don’t know when she came here. We are victims of destiny. However, this spiritual bond continues for some days though the elders of her family cut off our flow of admiration. Where is God? Has He heart? He should have done something. Today I spent some time with radio and television. Went to bed by 9:00.

29 June (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Listened to cine songs on radio till 10:00. Started to Adduroad by 10:15. Went to cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal and saw the Telugu film “Server Sundaram Gaari Abbaayi”. I saw this film for spending my time in some considerable enclosure of brainless human beings. When I came out from the cinema, it was raining. Shortly I came across Chanti Babu (my uncle from village Durgada in East Godavari district) and my uncle Narayana Murthy. All of us returned home together. From 4:45 to 5:30 listened to cine songs from Vividha Bharati radio station. Night watched the program of Hindi cine songs “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. This program presents the latest Hindi cine songs. I can’t forget Lakshmi. She is a good girl. May God bless her happy life. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:30.

30 June (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent all my time at home. Afternoon watched a few Telugu cine songs on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Also listened to a few Telugu cine songs on radio. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Iddharoo Iddhare” of Krishnam Raju and Sobhan Babu. It was good. From 9:30 to 10:00 listened to Telugu play “Aaraadhana” on radio. It was good. Went to sleep by 10:20.

1 July (Monday)

Woke up by 4:40. My hearty welcome to this seventh English month. May God bless a cheerful life to Lakshmi. Let her delicate life be guided by Him. Let her always be happy. Spent all the day at home. Listened to melodious cine songs on radio from 8:30 to 10:00. Afternoon rested for sometime. Today it was hot. Evening prepared supper. At present my psyche is not in a calm condition for two reasons. One is because Lakshmi distanced herself from me. I did my best to receive her love but her parents disrupted that relationship between us in their way. My delicate love was thus affected. It happened as God wished. The second issue pertains to my financial independence. I want a job to achieve it. The only alternative before me is joining army. I don’t think I am physically capable to do that job. Let God only do something to stabilize my life in this direction. Today my uncle Chanti Babu of Durgada stayed at our house. May God direct me all the time. Night watched television for sometime. Went to bed by 9:30.

2 July (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Listened to cine songs on radio from 8:30 to 10:00. Spent most of my time idly. The results of the recently held Lawcet examinations were released on the 29th of the last month to the newspapers. I knew it today. Evening checked an old newspaper. I felt happy to know that I got 269th rank in Lawcet. Harita, the beautiful girl that sat beside me, got 1655th rank. My prayers to Mother Saraswati for giving me this success. My prayers to Lord Gopal. My thanks are due to Dr. B R Ambedkar College of Law, Andhra University, Visakhapatnam, where I took this entrance test. Lakshmi, I am happy to share this news with you in my heart. My prayers to Lord Shiva. Evening prepared supper. I stopped seeing Lakshmi. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10:00.

3 July (Wednesday)

Woke up by 4:40. All the day spent at home. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From 2:15 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Spent idly rest of the time. My thought follows, “The human body is a jungle of sexual desires. It makes the mind in it a crazy monkey which searches for beauty of opposite sex all around. Youth stare at attractive features of the opposite gender when left in privacy of their existence. Human psyche craves for fulfillment of its extremist desires of that nature if the world does not notice its thoughts or actions arising out of that perversion. Men and women control their inherent extremist tendencies of this nature being scared of the social and cultural boundaries and taboos set around them for centuries. This is how humanity lives, killing its innate animal instincts, for the collective cause of mutually acceptable form of organized and refined living”. Night watched the Telugu program “Swayamvaram” on Hyderabad Doordarshan and the program of Hindi cine songs “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 10:00.

4 July (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. From 7:00 to 8:15 spent at our village Panchayat office. From 8:30 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Most of the rest of the time spent idly. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Bhamidipaati Rama Gopalam Kathalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Night watched the Telugu serials “Chaanakya” and “Sthree Roopam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My age is presently going on in a complex stage of adolescence, which is very common to every human being. It inclines to have friendship with a beautiful girl. It suffers for being unable to listen to the sweet voice of beautiful girls. It scans the passing beauties beside it. It wants to be kissed by them if chance permits and luck contributes. But these internal forces must be regulated to strengthen our character. This is the impact of age. Went to sleep by 10:00.

5 July (Friday)

Woke up by 4:40. Reached NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:30. Detrained in Elamanchili and proceeded to Government Junior College. Collected the original certificate of my Intermediate course. Felt happy to see it because it is a symbol of my two years of college education. Today our Telugu Lecturer Yandamuri Narasimha Murthy presented me the Telugu book Jaimini Bhaaratham, a collection of Telugu poems. The literature is so rich in it that I can’t understand it. Anyhow it is a precious gift presented to me by our scholarly lecturer. Came back to station by 12:10. On the way posted a letter to my brother Srinivas. Bokaro-Alleppey Express arrived by 1:10. Reached home by 2:00. Night watched the Hindi feature film “Saajan Ke Sapne” of Jackie Shroff, Rahul Roy and Karishma Kapoor on Delhi Doordarshan. I could not watch it till the end because sleep haunted me. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10:30.

6 July (Saturday)

Got up by 4:40. From 8:30 to 9:45 listened to cine songs on radio. By 12:15 started to NRPM railway station. Tuni-Visakhapatnam DMU passenger arrived by 1:15. Took it and proceeded to Visakhapatnam. Detrained at my destination by 2:30. Took a city bus to H B Colony. Got off it there and walked up to V S Krishna College. Checked the names of the candidates selected to pursue B.A. in this college. I am the 19th one in the open competition section of the list. Reached the bus complex by a city bus. There I got six photocopies of my Intermediate certificate taken. Took a city bus and proceeded to railway station. There posted postcards to some folks of my familiarity. Took Visakhapatnam-Rajahmundry passenger and reached home by 8:00. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

7 July (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:30. Morning watched “Rangoli” program on Delhi Doordarshan. The Telugu version of the weekly devotional Hindi serial “Shri Krishna” followed it. From 10:00 to 11:00 listened to Tamil cine songs on radio. From 11:00 to 12:00 listened to the Telugu feature film “Chinni Krishnudu” from Hyderabad radio station. By 1:30 started to Adduroad on bicycle. Bought vegetables in the weekly market there and returned home. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Devuni Gelichina Maanavudu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

8 July (Monday)

Got up by 4:40. Went to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Suddenly it turned cloudy and started raining. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Detrained in Elamanchili by 10:30 and proceeded to Government Junior College. Waited for my friend to come from village Enugu Tuni. He did not turn up by scheduled time. I felt very angry at him. I did not know how to spend my time there. Not a good film was on show in any cinema. What to do? Moved to cinema Tulasi Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Warning” of Jayaprada. It is a good film. The present society and politics are corrupt. Rowdies and terrorists are important friends to politicians. Justice is beyond the reach of the poor. The security forces, being maintained by government for public service, are of no much use to them in reality. Influential and corrupt politicians are disturbing sincere officers in these services. Jayaprada fights against bad people in this corrupt and cruel society. She shuns her family life for being honest and sincere in her duties as a police commissioner. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

9 July (Tuesday)

Got up by 4:40. Spent at home till 9:45. Then took bicycle and started to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram. Went there to spend my time happily. Stayed there till 1:30. Came back to Adduroad by 2:00. Went to cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal and saw the Telugu film “Premaalayam” of Salman Khan and Madhuri Dixit. It is a good film based on interesting love story, which made it run for more than 375 days in some cinemas. Attraction develops between the hero and the heroine in their positions of relatives to one another. They feel blissful spending together for some days. Slowly that casual closeness throws them into inescapable web of psychological attachment. They eventually get victimized to each other for love. The solution is their marriage. Only the sister of the heroine is aware of this secret and sensitive love between them. Hers is an engaging role altogether. Suddenly she passes away. Their love remains unknown to others. Thereafter the story takes upsetting turns. Toward the end, we find the two helpless lovers united through the bond of marriage. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

10 July (Wednesday)

Woke up by 4:40. Spent at home till 8:30 and then started to NRPM railway station. Went to the temple of Lord Shiva there and prayed Him to give me a good life. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:45. Detrained in Elamanchili and proceeded to Government Junior College. Today I gave my recently prepared farewell message letters to our lecturers of the three group subjects. Reverentially touched the feet of our honorable and kind Telugu Lecturer Yandamuri Narasimha Murthy seeking his blessings. Went to post office and posted an envelope to my brother Srinivas. This mail carries the contents related to my military joining trials. Came back to railway station by 12:30. Knew that Bokaro-Alleppey Express was running late. Went to a nearby hotel and had an onion dosa for four rupees. Bokaro–Alleppey Express arrived by 2:30. Reached home by 4:00. Listened to songs on radio for sometime. Night watched the Telugu program “Swayamvaram” on Hyderabad Doordarshan and Hindi program “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Oh my God! Give a happy life to Lakshmi. I stopped looking at her. Went to sleep by 9:30.

11 July (Thursday)

Got up by 4:40. All the day spent at home. Most of the time spent listening to cine songs on radio. Night watched some programs on Doordarshan. Presently I am not well psychologically. So I write the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Today I have accidentally looked at Lakshmi. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10:00.

12 July (Friday)

Woke up by 4:00. Reached NRPM railway station by 4:40. Vijayawada-Visakhapatnam passenger arrived by 5:00. Detrained in Visakhapatnam by 8:00. Reached V S Krishna College by 8:30. Entered Room Number 22 to have the interview for my admission into B.A course in this college. Knew that the timings of the college are from 8:00 a.m. to 12:00 a.m. It is very difficult for me daily coming to Visakhapatnam by an early train. Already I became weak during my last two academic years due to my disorderly food habits. So, I came out of the room without having the interview. Proceeded to cinemas Sangam and Sharat. Saw the English film “Outbreak” which deals with the tragedy of a pandemic among humans caused by an animal. Reached the railway station by 3:00. Bought a copy of the Telugu weekly Swati, the front cover of which carried an attractive photo of Manisha Koirala, my most favorite beauty queen (actress) of Bollywood. Took Tirumala Express and reached home by 4:30. Today I did not buy ticket for either the onward journey or the return journey. Evening watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to bed by 10:00.

13 July (Saturday)

Woke up by 4:40. Saw the Telugu film “Shubha Sankalpam” in cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal at Adduroad in the morning show. Thence moved to village Gurrajupeta and returned home by 6:00. Today is a precious day for me. Three years ago, on this date, I met Lakshmi at their house. It was my first and last (indefinite) meeting with her. Thank you very much dear Lakshmi for your sweet words with me that evening. Today you are married. I am not looking at you. I am very sorry. Very soon I join army. Thus the distance between us increases further. I live it helplessly. “Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. My prayers to Mother Nature. Went to bed by 10:00.

14 July (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Doordarshan. Started to Adduroad by 11:00 on bicycle. Thence moved to village Gurrajupeta. Afternoon saw the Telugu film “Koothuru” in cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal. Evening the Telugu feature film on Hyderabad Doordarshan was “Kannayya Kittayya”. I could not watch it till the end. Today it rained. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 9:00.

15 July (Monday)

Woke up by 4:45. All the day spent at home. Did not listen to cine songs on radio. I am feeling lonely and dejected at home. This house and my stay in it are looking hellish. The reason for my decision to join army is to earn money, which gives me financial independence. Here I don’t have money to buy even a pen’s refill on my own. A person without money can do very little. He is a parasite. Such human existence is similar to bonded labor. Oh my Lord Krishna! Please help me join army soon. Otherwise provide me with death. I can’t live in this hell. Please shower mercy upon me. Please see that a call letter from army comes soon. Please make me physically fit enough for the army. I can’t withstand the misery around me. My prayers to Lord Shiva to direct me well in army. My prayers to Lord Ganapathi to give me a good life. My prayers to Mother Saraswati to keep my brain clever and sharp. Today I spent a sullen day at home. Night watched the Telugu programs “Hrudhaya Spandhana” and “Sravanthi” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it was cloudy. Went to bed by 9:00.

16 July (Tuesday)

Woke up by 4:50. Spent at home till 10:00. Then took bicycle and started to Raja Venkata Nagaram. Spent at the house of my uncle Rama Raju till 4:00. Listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. I went there to spend my time happily. Returned home by 4:30. Just then it started raining. Night watched the Telugu program “Quiz Time” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today I brought one photo of Lord Gopal and one photo of Goddess Saraswati from the house of my uncle Rama Raju. Pasted one on the inside front cover and one on the inside back cover of my diary. Lord Gopal is my eternal God who directs my life at every moment. Goddess Saraswati is my eternal deity of learning who blesses me with intelligence and judgment based on which one would be respected in a society. I pray all the other gods and goddesses to help me get the call letter from army soon. Spent a dull day. Went to bed by 9:00.

17 July (Wednesday)

Woke up by 4:40. Spent at home till 8:30 and then started to NRPM railway station. Spent there my time till 10:30 talking with my friends. Evening did not listen to cine songs on radio. Night watched the programs “Swayamvaram” and “Chitra Haar” on Doordarshan. The Telugu serial “Swayamvaram” is very interestingly going on. “Chitra Haar”, the program of Hindi cine songs from Delhi Doordarshan, is also an interesting telecast for me. These days I am spending much of my time within our house only. Not going even into our village. This observation is to be away from the accidental touch of looks of Lakshmi, who came here on the 12th of last month. This year two Ashaada Maasas (Ashaadam is one of the 12 months of Telugu calendar. In this month, newly married wife and husband should not spend together. The bride goes to the house of her parents to spend this month with unbearable burden of lovesickness for her helpless creature called “husband”) occurred. I should not look at her in my position of a failed, misunderstood, misguided or directionless lover of her past. Her husband should not spend with her for the sake of norms of south Indian (or only of Andhra Pradesh. I am not sure about the observation of this norm in other parts of India) Hindu marriage system. So, she has to spend her time in a cornered and victimized ambience of their house for these two months. Hers is a satirical character compared to our respective tragic roles of ‘a husband being restricted from meeting his wife due to the norms in the Telugu calendar’ and ‘a lover separated from his beloved due to his self-imposed moral norms”. In fact she committed a crime. To make one love her and allow some other man to marry her is an objectionable dimension of human relationships. What about my poor heart? Still it is rich with its intangible assets of tragic memories. Is she a magician to play with two helpless characters like this! Is he her authorized slave and I her honorary admirer or what? By no means! This issue is not yet settled! Wait for the results! Went to bed by 9:00.

18 July (Thursday)

Got up by 4:40. All the day spent at home. From 8:40 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Recently I wrote and sent about ten postcards to Visakhapatnam radio station, requesting them to broadcast some of my most favorite Telugu cine songs, in a program meant for listeners like me. From among many I wrote them to play, this morning they played the song “Oka Venuvu Vinipinchenu Anuraaga Geethikaa” from the Telugu film “America Ammaayi”, sung by G Anand. I included even the name of Lakshmi (the names of some of my village friends are also included in this request letter) in the postcards sent to them to hear the two names being announced together before playing the song. Rest of the day spent casually. Evening it rained heavily. My God’s name follows: Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Went to bed by 10:00.

19 July (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Appu Chesi Pappu Koodu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Evening it rained. Night watched the program “Chithra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “The success of love demands mutual understanding and strategic planning by both the creatures involved in the issue. Both deeply love each other. One can’t live without the other. But, the aged folks around them can’t digest this scene of divergence of their children from the time-honored directives of their forefathers, whom nobody saw saying anything in fact. They imagine or visualize that a lot of ruckus and chaos emerges from the society if they leave their children to go astray (for the parents of young creatures ‘love between a dependent boy and an innocent girl’ is taboo in many cases). They threaten their children and order them not to take diversion from the main road of social norms. They effectively disturb the minds of their children with all kinds of cock and bull stories. They impose strict codes of conduct upon them as the last resort. During this time, the two lovers must be alert. They must chalk out action plan to strategically and boldly face the eventualities. Otherwise they turn into victims soon. Every lover and love loves the body and the mind of the other. If one of them is going to be married to somebody else, the other can’t withstand that tragic situation. The elders of the society can’t read the mind of the girl or the boy. So, they get her or him married to some‘body’ to keep up their prestige (an abstract and imaginary concept in fact) in their society. Her lover or his beloved commits suicide in his or her plight. Nobody understands why she or he died. The bride or the bridegroom cries silently while alone. These are the facts behind the failures and tragedies of love in the present conservative societies”. Went to bed by 9:00.

20 July (Saturday)

Woke up by 4:40. All the day spent at home. Morning listened to cine songs on radio for some time. Today it rained a bit. My thought follows, “Love between a boy and a girl is a sweet concept to savor. Their innocence and ignorance add beauty to the love between them. The same beauty of the theme creates tragedy toward the end, not because their love is not strong, but because they lack vision and tricks required for making their love successful. When I position myself in this setting, I look like a foolish bloke because I did not express my love to her. It is necessary that the girl or the boy would certainly and clearly express her or his love to the other in a way, which does not look funny or unreliable to the unrelated outside observers also. I failed in this dimension also. Only my eyes communicated with hers. The society considers such things as silly and ridiculous modes or codes of expression of love. I proved such a clown in my bond of love for Lakshmi. I look like a toddler from the standpoint of rational thinkers. They cannot believe if I say that I suffered and cried for her. This is how the society and individual stay in a constant clash or misunderstanding toward one another”. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 10:00.

21 July (Sunday)

Woke up by 4:45. Morning watched the Telugu version of the Hindi serial “Sri Krishna” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 9:30 to 10:30 listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Afternoon watched the Telugu tele serial “Krishna Veni” on Hyderabad Doordarshan for sometime. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Intlo Pilli Veedhilo Puli” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:00.

22 July (Monday)

Got up by 4:40. Started to NRPM railway station by 8:45. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Detrained in Elamanchili and went to Government Junior College. Met my friend Chiranjeevi of village Enugu Tuni. Talked with him this and that for sometime. Knew that some of my junior college friends are joining the Government Degree College in Elamanchili. I decided to go to see a Telugu film. Moved to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Vayasu Pilichindhi” of Kamal Hassan and Rajnikanth. It is a good film portraying the passions of youth. One may get positive insights from this film. The age between 20 and 50 is misguiding and dangerous. Coexistence of a man and a woman may lead to the damage of their social status, one day or night, when unexpected or inescapable events take place between them, out of their helplessness of mutual bodily compulsions or attractions. One must exert self-control upon oneself during these times. If they fail to do so, they may seek joy for sometime but the eventualities would be disastrous. The commands, emerging from one’s psyche, due to the impact of one’s age upon one’s body, should be strongly fought back, to live peacefully afterwards, in a dogmatic society. Bodily passions or situational emotions should not subdue the moral and societal spirit of a man or woman during these testing times of their chosen or helpless coexistence. Went to bed by 10:00.

23 July (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. From 8:20 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Today is a good day for me. Today I saw Lakshmi at their house. We glanced at each other for two seconds only. She rushed into their house. I noticed that she became physically and mentally weak. She is looking thin. Lakshmi! Why have you become so? I know the cause. You came here on the 12th of the last month. I did not look at you all these days. You were hurt and so became weak. What can I do Lakshmi? You are married. You are wife of another person now. Gradually I have to forget you completely though not possible. May God bless you a cheerful life. Today I saw her by 8:00 in the morning. Evening listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. Watched television for sometime. Went to bed by 10:00.

24 July (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Morning and evening listened to cine songs on radio. Night watched “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Presently I am spending my days idly at home. Today it was cool. My thought follows, “At present I am at a peculiar stage of my age. During this age, one’s heart would be highly attracted toward anything associated with girls and ladies. This fascination toward the opposite gender is a risky characteristic of one’s body and psyche. If one goes astray during this misguiding stage of one’s body and mind, none can help them come out of it. God installed these forces in humanity. This inbuilt mechanism compels one to relate oneself to the creatures of opposite gender in some way. One tries to escape from the vigilant and observant eyes of the society to fulfill one’s desires or fantasies secretly and carefully. Nowadays human relationships are unreliable and selfish. People are practicing various immoral acts before and after their marriage. Then why these hypocritical and conventional marriages attributing purity and value to them! Wife and husband have nothing to share purely in majority of the cases. India is no more the so-called great nation, when it comes to its moral superiority of family values and relationships, centered on marriage, to other nations. Should one see it as a sign of slow death of our culture or timely and necessary reorientation of our personal lives and social standards toward the universally accepted liberal principles and practices of human conduct based on rational, scientific and genetic factors?”. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 July (Thursday)

Woke up by 3:00. Freshened up myself and again laid myself down on the cot. By 5:30 went to NRPM railway station on bicycle along with my friend Ramesh Kumar of village Peda Gummuluru. We took Kakinada-Visakhapatnam passenger by 7:00. Detrained in Visakhapatnam by 9:15. Proceeded to the Army Branch Recruiting Office on a small work of him. Thereafter I went to the District Non-technical Employment Exchange to attend the work of getting my Intermediate qualification added to my already registered tenth qualification with this exchange. Stood in the queue for a long time. After that walked to the nearby seashore by 1:00. Spent there for half an hour. Breezes were passionate along the sleepy beach. I was elated with their gentle and warm touch. Came back to the Employment Exchange and collected my Employment Card with the updated details of my qualifications. Went to cinema Rama Krishna and saw the English film “A Man and Two Women” from 3:30 to 4:30. Came back to railway station and took Visakhapatnam-Rajahmundry passenger. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

26 July (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Listened to cine songs on radio from 8:00 to 10:00. For the last few days, Olympic Games have been going on at Atlanta in the United States of America. Those events are being telecast live on Delhi Doordarshan, being sponsored by Philips Company. I am watching them now and then. Evening went to Adduroad and bought one Reynolds pen and one rupee of postcards. Today is a holy day because it is Tholi Ekaadhasi (an auspicious day according to Telugu calendar). Hindus believe that today Lord Vishnu and His wife Lakshmi enter the sea of milk to spend there until Kaartheeka Pournami (another auspicious day according to Telugu calendar). My prayers to that happy couple to provide me with a peaceful and successful life. On this occasion, this night, in our village, two Telugu feature films are scheduled to be shown, on the screen of cloth, near the temple of Lord Rama. They are “Raakshasudu” and “Srinivasa Kalyaanam”. But they were not shown due to rain by 10:00. This rain might be the result of the blessings of the divine couple going to sea for a month-long rest. Today I did not see Lakshmi. I know that she feels sad about it. Pardon me Lakshmi! Went to bed by 10:30.

27 July (Saturday)

Woke up by 4:40. All the day spent at home. Morning listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon received my Lawcet rank card by post. In place of the cancelled films last night due to rain, this night “Abbaayi Gaaru” and “Raakshasudu” were shown on the screen of cloth from 8:00 to 1:45. I watched these two films till the end. My thought follows, “One can’t conceal one’s real love in one’s heart for long. It gets manifested sometime despite the suppression of the individual undergoing its effect. Though Lakshmi is very near to me in our village, I maintain distance from her for the sake of self-discipline. My suffering to undergo the pain in such situation is a revelation of the fact that I can’t hide my love for her from me also”. Went to sleep by 2:00.

28 July (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. From 8:00 to 9:00 listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Then watched the Telugu version of the Hindi serial “Sri Krishna” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Reached Adduroad by 1:45 on bicycle. Bought vegetables in the weekly market and returned home by 4:30. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Doctor Ambedkar” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

29 July (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. From 8:15 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Watched Olympic Games on television for sometime. From 4:00 to 6:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Thus spent all the day idly. Recently it turned rainy. A small prayer to my Lord Gopal. You know that I loved Lakshmi much. I wanted to marry her. Somehow You got her married with somebody else. That is fine. I noticed that he looks somewhat aged and has a bit bald head. Lakshmi is about 18 or so and looks beautiful. You have united her with such a person. I am sad to note this point. Anyhow I beseech You to bless her happy life. Keep her peaceful and balanced. She is Your kid. Direct her well. I am leaving her to Your care and guidance. Very soon I may leave this village to join army. I pray You to direct me well. Please give me enough physical and mental strength by which I can succeed in that attempt. What can I do more than praying You in these circumstances? Save me Gopal! Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

30 July (Tuesday)

Woke up by 4:40. All the day spent within the village. By 7:15 moved to our village Panchayat office and spent there for sometime. From 8:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From 10:00 to 12:00 watched the Olympic Games and the live telecast of the Parliament session on Delhi Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 6:00 to 6:30 watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chithra Sourabhalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it was cloudy. Recently I started doing some physical exercises for getting ready to join army. This made me physically weak. Oh my Lord Gopal! Save me. Direct me into army. I want to be financially independent. The Indian Army is the only way through which I can achieve it. Many say that the basic training of six months is so hard that I can’t undergo it. But I believe in You. Only You can give me enough physical strength required for that training. Also see that the call letter comes to me soon. My prayers to You. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

31 July (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. From 8:15 to 9:45 listened to cine songs on radio. Watched the programs “The Live Telecast of Rajya Sabha Question Hour” and “Atlanta Olympics 1996” on Delhi Doordarshan for sometime. Today, around 5:30, I saw Lakshmi at their house in a sari. She is neither tall nor short. A sari makes her look medium. She is fair in body and sensitive by character. Resolute confidence in one another is essential for the survival of love between two. But, nowadays, none is practicing it. She believes that I am a good boy. I know that she is a marvel on earth. I can’t prove it to others. My heart interpreted her character like that. I believe it. God only knows the reality. I admired her much in my heart. I expressed my thoughts about her to her father. Her father insulted and disturbed me with his cruel and misguiding words. Aashaada Maasam ends soon. She goes to the house of her in-laws soon. May God bless her happy life. Thank you dear Lakshmi. I wish you all the best. Night listened to Telugu playlet “Naalugo Sthambham” from Visakhapatnam radio station. My prayers to Lord Krishna. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10:00.

1 August (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at home till 9:00 and then started to NRPM railway station. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Detrained in Elamanchili and proceeded to Government Degree College. Met my friends there and came back to station by 12:30. Bokaro-Alleppey Express  arrived by 3:30. Reached home by 4:00. By 8:00 started to NRPM railway station along with my friend Pusapati Venkata Shiva Satya Krishna Varma. He studied at Government ITI in Kakinada. We took Visakhapatnam-Kakinada passenger by 8:15. Both of us pursued ticketless journey. We detrained at Kakinada Town railway station by 12:00. Went to the house of his relatives at Kondayya Palem. Today I entered the eighth month of this year. May God guide me in this month also. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 12:30.

2 August (Friday)

Got up by 7:00. Got ready by 7:30 and moved out into the city. Had a plate of idlies for five rupees at Kokila Restaurant. Thence we walked toward Government Industrial Training Institute, which is opposite Jawaharlal Nehru Technological University. From 10:30 to 2:00 he was involved in the task of collecting his certificates from the institute. By chance I met Nagarjuna Rao, my residential school friend. Talked with him for ten minutes. We went to Raja Mess at Bhanugudi Junction and had our lunch (each cost 13 rupees). It was good to that price. Thence we moved to Aaraadhana Footwear Store and bargained to buy a pair of white shoes. Thence we proceeded to Jyothi Shoe Mart and bought one pair of white shoes (of Lakhani Company) and socks, which totally cost 100 rupees. Then we took a bus and reached Pithapuram by 3:15. Waited in the railway station for one hour. Took Vijayawada-Visakhapatnam passenger by 4:30 without tickets. Reached home by 7:30. Went to sleep by 9:00.

3 August (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent at our village Panchayat office from 7:15 to 8:10. Listened to cine songs on radio from 8:15 to 10:00. Started to the bus stop on the railway over bridge by 10:30. Thence took an auto rickshaw to Adduroad. Thence proceeded to Sarvasiddi Rayavaram. Went to Mandal Revenue Office to obtain a Nativity Certificate from them. The work was not completed. Came back to main road in an auto rickshaw. Took a lorry and reached Elamanchili by 11:30. Spent there idly till 1:00. Then talked with one of my friends for sometime. Went to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Ardha Raathri Hathyalu”. It is one of the worst films I have seen. Reached railway station and took Godavari Express. Hello my dear Lakshmi! Went to bed by 9:00.

4 August (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on television. Started to Adduroad by 10:30. Had my haircut there and returned home. From 3:00 to 4:15 listened to Telugu cine songs on radio. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Allari Vayassu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Thereafter watched the Telugu serial “Hima Jwaala” on it. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to sleep by 9:30.

5 August (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 9:30. Today I took the front coach shunted to engine. Chakram, our familiar Traveling Ticket Examiner, whom we students daily see on his duty around us, asked me to show my ticket. I neither had ticket nor monthly season ticket. He told me that he would produce me at the railway court. I felt very shameful. I could not say anything with him. I requested him to forgive me saying that I can’t show my face to others if it is known to anybody in our village. He told that he believes in me and so to bring the penalty money to Elamanchili railway station in the evening by Godavari Express time. I agreed for it and detrained in Elamanchili. I somehow spent my time from 10:30 to 4:00 in Elamanchili. Borrowed 140 rupees from my B.A. classmate Appa Rao. Came back to railway station by 4:30. Met Chakram and paid him the money. He said that he liked my sincerity. He collected only 70 rupees from me as fine. Then I gave him the papers I prepared this afternoon (with self-pity and the associated pain) sitting at the temple of Lord Hanuman. After reading it, he told me that he would not have taken even that money, had I given him those papers before his filling up the form of penalty collection. He praised my writing skills in English and the knowledge I have about the world. I explained him in those papers why students like me (and others also) cannot buy tickets now and then despite knowing that it is a punishable offence and a checking officer catches them if bad luck prevails someday. He advised me to join Law when I told him about my recent educational trials. Reached home by 6:20 by Godavari Express without ticket. Went to bed by 9:00.

6 August (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:15. Spent my time at our Panchayat office from 7:15 to 8:00. From 8:15 to 9:45 listened to cine songs on radio. Started to bus stop by 10:00. Even my friend Krishna Varma came along with me. Both of us took Karrivanipalem bound bus and got off it at Sarvasiddi Rayavaram for attending my work of obtaining Nativity Certificate from the MRO office there. Knew that both the Mandal Revenue Inspector and the Mandal Revenue Officer are not available in the office today. I felt very disappointed. Returned home by 12:40 taking the same bus. Watched some programs like the Hindi serials “Shakti”, “Sukh Dukh”, “Swaabhimaan” and the “Presentation of 43rd National Film Awards”, which took place at Vigyan Bhavan in New Delhi, on Delhi Doordarshan. The Hindi film actor Dilip Kumar presented awards to some winners. Then, Shankar Dayal Sharma, the present President of India, distributed some awards. May God bless a long and cherished life to my dear Lakshmi. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:15.

7 August (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:30. From 7:00 to 8:00 spent my time at our village Panchayat office. From 8:15 to 9:45 listened to cine songs on radio. From 1:00 to 3:00 watched the programs “Chitra Sumaalu”, “Malladi Ramakrishna Sastry Kathalu” and a University Grants Commission’s telecast on Doordarshan. From 3:30 to 4:00 watched the Hindi serial “Swaabhimaan”. From 4:00 watched the Hindi serial “Wapsi” for sometime. Night watched the Telugu program “Swayamvaram” on Hyderabad Doordarshan and the Hindi program “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it was cloudy and dim. My thought follows, “Human life is a gift of God. He created many features and channels of entertainment around man and woman to make his or her life interesting and engaging. Beauty of exceptional quality instantly attracts all the normal human beings. If physical beauty and kind heart are present in one person, he or she looks much endearing to his or her observers and followers. Many love people with such character. Many beautiful girls and ladies are spoilt these days. So, admirers must be a bit careful in pursuing their personal worships toward their chosen ones. Anyhow women are shrewd in dealing with men because they know well about that race for long”. Went to bed by 9:30.

8 August (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent my time at our Panchayat office from 7:15 to 10:00. By 12:30 went to Adduroad on an errand and returned soon. Rest of the day spent at home. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 5:30 to 7:30 my bath and supper took place. Then watched the Telugu programs “Chaanakya” and “Sthree Roopam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Presently my mind is in a bad condition. Let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy, Gopala Krishna Swamy. Spent a dim and sluggish day. Went to bed by 10:00.

9 August (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. From 7:15 to 10:00 spent my time at our Panchayat office. By 1:00 started to Raja Venkata Nagaram on bicycle along with my friend Krishna Varma. Night watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chithra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My mind is in a disturbed condition now. So, let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Please provide me with a bright life and sound sleep. Spent an idle day. Went to bed by 9:00.

10 August (Saturday)

Got up by 5:15. Spent most of my time within our village. From 8:15 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon watched the Hindi feature film “Durga Aur Devi” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 6:30 watched the weekly Telugu program “Anurag Film Review”, in which an interview with Telugu film actor Suresh was presented. From 7:30 to 8:00 watched “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it was cloudy in the evening. My mind is not well. So, let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Spent a moody day. Went to bed by 9:00.

11 August (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Today I did much work at home. Afternoon watched the Tamil feature film “Kizhake Pogum Rail” on Delhi Doordarshan. It was extraordinary. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Mr. Pellaam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was good. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:00.

12 August (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. From 8:15 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon it rained a bit when I was going to railway station. From 3:30 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Evening I saw Lakshmi at their house. Oh my Lord Gopal! You know how I loved her. You know how she loved me. I stopped looking at her from the day I knew that marriage talks were on between her parents and the other party. It may be wrong on my part. Sorry my God. You are our godfather no! You have to solve our problem. She came here on the 12th of June. Aashaada Maasam ends soon. I think she goes to the house of her in-laws soon. I don’t know how she is dealing with her husband. Save Your child. Console her. Give her balanced life. Direct me in a good way. Purify my heart if still it thinks that she belongs to it. Hello dear Lakshmi! How are you? I pray God to save and direct you. Went to bed by 10:00.

13 August (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. From 8:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. By 10:15 started to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram on bicycle. Spent there till 2:00. Thence went to the house of our family priest Prakasam in village Koruprolu. Collected required information from him. Returned home by 3:00. Today it was cloudy. Evening watched Telugu cine songs on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night also watched television for sometime. Today my maternal grandmother Buchchiyyamma came from Gollalagunta. Recently my skin got a disorder. May God cure it. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

14 August (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. From 8:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon watched some cine songs on Doordarshan. Night watched Hindi cine songs in the program “Chithra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:00, the live telecast of the formal address of the present Prime Minister of India, to nation, was presented on Delhi Doordarshan on the occasion of the eve of Independence Day. Also today has a specialty. By today Ashaada Maasam comes to an end. Tomorrow all the newly married brides return to the houses of their in-laws. It is a day of liberty for newly married couples. Lakshmi boringly spent these two months here. She goes to the house of her in-laws soon. I wish her all the best. May God bless her long and happy life. Today it was cloudy and unbearably sultry. Lakshmi! Be happy always. I will be happy wherever I am. God guides you. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:30.

15 August (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. By 8:00 started to our mango garden by hills and returned home by 12:30. Watched the Hindi feature film “Raaj Tilak” on Delhi Doordarshan for sometime. Today it is the first day of Sraavana Maasam (a month of Telugu calendar). Lakshmi goes to the house of her in-laws soon. Last night she came into my dream. She looked very sad. May Lord Gopal bless and direct her. Today it is the 50th Independence Day of India. Analyzing the content of my dream about Lakshmi, I understand that she is presently undergoing severe psychological pain. Her parents only played villain roles in making her so. They know that she loves me. But they got her married with another one. Remaining silent even when her marriage is approaching, is her fault. That’s why she is carrying the burden of the consequences. She has to carry that suffering till the end of her life. Her parents or relatives do not share it. Other human beings can’t help her. I hope time and God make her forget all these pains of heart one day. Spent a sad day. Went to bed by 9:00.

16 August (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning spent sometime at our Panchayat office. Most of the time spent at home. Knew from reliable sources that Lakshmi goes to the house of her in-laws soon. Evening she came out to see me. Even I looked at her. She is a kid for me. I should not have tortured her not looking at her for all these days. She must be scared of me now. May God bless her long life. Let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Night watched “Chithra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:30.

17 August (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Morning my maternal grandmother went to see Lakshmi at their house. Today my dear Lakshmi started to the house of her in-laws by 2:15 in the afternoon. She must be going there sadly. May God bless her happy life there. I wish her all the best. Night watched the programs “Anurag Film Review” and “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Bhai Ho To Aisa”. I did not watch it. Today it was cloudy. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Spent  a sad day. Went to bed by 9:00.

18 August (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched the Telugu version of the Hindi serial “Sri Krishna” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. I could not watch the other programs because power cut followed it. Started to Adduroad by 2:15 on bicycle. Bought vegetables in the weekly market and returned home by 3:30. Afternoon the Telugu feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Andhra Kesari”. I could not watch it. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Ardhaangi” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

19 August (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Went to Adduroad by 9:00 by a bus. Carried out a small work there and reached Elamanchili by 11:30 taking a lorry. Saw the English film “Girls from Sweden” in cinema Venkateshwara. The western countries like the United States of America developed a lot financially. All they want is carefree life. They hardly mind concepts of chastity and virginity. When the body is full of desires, and when the society is there to fulfill all of them, why should one restrict oneself from enjoying one’s life to the fullest! This film has some ten scenes of nudity. The viewers thought that the money they paid for the tickets was justified. The western people are fair or very fair. Their nudity, coupled with an attractive skin color, is a permanent attraction to the people in other countries. The masses in the world can’t possess such white women as their partners in majority of the cases. To see them in a naked form, at least on the silver screen, is like a boon to their cursed eyes. This is why many obscene English films are seriously attended by masses across the world. A student like me, in the age of natural passions and inescapable fascination for the unseen beauty of the opposite gender, resorts to these films. This is why college students go to such films by hook or by crook. Girls do not have such privileges in India as of now. In the initial days of my encounter with such kind of scenes in films, my heartbeat increased like anything to see them on screen. Now I am a bit balanced in that respect. Female is also a creature in our familiarity. Yet, facing her in her naked form, is a big challenge for bachelors like me. I saw this film twice. It is just for the scenes of female nudity in it. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

20 August (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it is the birth anniversary of Rajiv Gandhi. From 5:30 to 6:30 watched cine songs on Doordarshan. Also the programs “Nijaayithee” and “Quiz Time”. Today it rained. My thought follows, “Love is a sweet thing. It should not be condemned on the point that it is merely an attraction between a boy and a girl. The world is happy only because there is attraction in one toward others. Attraction is the essence of human life. Lovers crave to spend together. It should not be seen as a crime. The crime is one boy or girl dealing with many girls or boys at a time. It is promiscuity. The antonym of love is debauchery. Lovers can die for one another. The ones involved in debauchery fear death and lack faith in others. Lovers decide to elope or commit suicide if they fail in their sensitive love but the ones in promiscuity learn and practice the tactics of cheating their partners and admirers to lead their lives of immorality and hypocrisy successfully. Separating two genuine lovers is a sin. Indulging in the affairs of flirts is like joining our hands with evil and perversion. We can’t uproot evil from the society but we can keep ourselves safe and ideal staying away from it. One should always think from a personal point of view in these matters. Social disorders of this or that kind are universal phenomena in all the ages. The virtuous distance themselves from it. The wicked celebrate and expand those unethical and sinful practices”. Went to bed by 9:00.

21 August (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today cooking was my duty. By 2:15 started to Adduroad on a bicycle along with my friend Krishna Varma. Read Telugu daily Eanadu for sometime. Spent talking with my familiar ones for sometime. Returned home by 4:00. Night there was power cut. So, I could not watch programs on television. My thought follows, “The present films are based on exhibitionism. This trend emerged because people stopped watching good films. Girls with attractive bodies and minimum moral values are best suited to the present film industry. Viewers like watching their naked beauty on screen. It is a business. So, heroines seldom hesitate to benefit from their bodily assets. Others want the show of their beauty. They want their money and the related fame. The ones that could not enjoy their family life or love life can fill that void seeing these films. It is a medium meant for massive entertainment. So, in this industry, anything can be done to pull audience to cinemas”. Went to bed by 10:00.

22 August (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Today also cooking was my duty. All the day spent idly within the village. From 7:30 to 8:30 (night) watched some programs on Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Time is a precious asset of human life. We must always hope that we live happily. If we feel bored of our life, beautiful and kind nature is there to entertain and console us. We should enjoy it time to time. For all the earthly beings, childhood is special. Children look cute and tempting with their qualities of innocent words and mischievous acts. That is a good stage of their life when they don’t know why or how they have to live on this earth. There is no answer to this question even when put to adults. Very few know why they came into this world. When the soul deserts the body, a mysterious detachment occurs between him and his earthly relations. This is the fact everybody knows and confronts frequently”. Went to bed by 9:00.

23 August (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Night watched “Chithra Haar” on it. Today I spent idly. Today is a holy day for mainstream Hindu girls and women because it is the second Sraavana Sukravaaram (an auspicious day according to Telugu calendar). On this occasion, let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Went to sleep by 9:00.

24 August (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Watched the Hindi program “Kashmir File” on Delhi Doordarshan for sometime. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:30. Reached Elamanchili by 11:00. Read Telugu weekly Swati at the pan shop of my friend Appa Rao for sometime. By 1:00 went to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Pelli Sandhadi”. It was very good. It was raining outside when I was watching this film inside. Came back to railway station drenching myself in the drizzle. Reached home by 6:00 by Godavari Express. Watched the program “Anurag Film Review” on Hyderabad Doordarshan in which an interview with the Telugu film actress Divya Vani was presented. Night watched the Hindi feature film “Pratikar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 12:30.

25 August (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Delhi Doordarshan. Started to Adduroad by 10:00. Bought tablets for cold at a medical store. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Rowdy Annayya” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today I became weak. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 12:00.

26 August (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. By 5:02 my parents started to Molleru Mallavaram in a taxi to formally bring my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani and her little kid to our house. Today the crop of cashew nuts stored in our house was sold to Venkata Rao, a merchant from village Koruprolu. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. By 1:00 started to Raja Venkata Nagaram on bicycle. Spent there till 3:00. Returned home by 3:40. By 1:15 (an auspicious time decided by our priest) my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, her little child, her maternal grandmother and my parents came to our house from Molleru Mallavaram. My hearty welcome to the child! I wish him happy time here. May God bless him with a long and happy life. It rained in the evening. Today also I suffered from cold. It made me physically weak. May God cure it and give me strong constitution. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

27 August (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to our mango garden near hills by 8:30 along with my grandmothers from Molleru Mallavaram and Gollalagunta. We spent there till 2:00. Returned home by 2:30. Rest of the time spent at home. I am playing with the little eldest son of my eldest brother Srinivas. At present he is at a stage when the understanding capability would be very low. He is having milk from his mother and spending most of his time sleeping. Even today I suffered from cold. The little creature Sujan is also suffering from cold. He is diverting every available toy into his mouth. He is watching television. It is an enjoyable stage of his life. Parents and elders care for him a lot. It is the time when one can be crazy and happy at a time. It is a vulnerable state of one’s body and mind. During this stage of existence, every living being enjoys a divine comfort. It is the joy filled by God. Let that great God rule the sphere of little children. Evening watched some songs on Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

28 August (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. From 9:00 to 1:00 spent my time at our Panchayat office. It rained in the afternoon. By 1:30 started to Adduroad on bicycle. On the way went to the house of my paternal aunt Subhadra and gave her homemade sweets brought by my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani from Molleru Mallavaram. Spent there till 2:30. Posted an envelope to the presenters of the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Sent my photo to them asking them to show it on the 8th of the next month, the day on which I enter my 21st year of life. Thence proceeded to Adduroad. Came across my uncle Narayana Murthy there. Went to the Style King Tailors and gave them my cloth pieces for stitching trousers and a shirt for me. My sister-in-law Sandhya Rani gifted these cloth pieces to me. Then my uncle and I went to the weekly market at Koruprolu and bought vegetables for our domestic use. Returned home by 5:30. Night watched the programs “Swayamvaram” and “Chithra Haar” on Doordarshan. Went to bed by 9:00.

29 August (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to Adduroad by 8:30 on bicycle along with my friend Krishna Varma. We went there to see the Telugu film “Prema Pusthakam”. But it is not being shown in that cinema due to some problem. In the Telugu daily Eanadu we found that in cinema Surya Mahal at Payakaraopeta, the English film “The Specialist” is on show. We decided at once to go there to see that film. We took a lorry and reached there by 1:30. We rushed to cinema Surya Mahal. The film was started by 2:30. It was a good film. The hero applies special technical skills to kill his enemies. I liked it very much. It was over by 4:00. Then we moved to Tuni railway station (Payakaraopeta belongs to Visakhapatnam district and Tuni is part of East Godavari district and thus both these places are twins). We waited there for more than 90 minutes. We took Simhadri Express (running between Guntur and Visakhapatnam) by 6:00. We took the last compartment of the train to escape from Traveling Ticket Examiner because we did not buy tickets. Reached home by 7:00. Spent a hectic day. Went to bed by 9:00.

30 August (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. My uncle Narayana Murthy came by 6:00. His brother-in-law Janaki Rama Raju has been suffering from a disorder of his eyesight. He is being taken to Visakhapatnam to get it cured at a good hospital. Three of us went to NRPM railway station and took Kakinada-Visakhapatnam passenger. We detrained in Waltair (another name to Visakhapatnam) by 9:30. We proceeded to Visakha Eye Hospital in CDR area. Doctor Gopala Raju told him to come there by 8:00 tomorrow morning for his eye operation. Afternoon and night we had our food at Hotel Swapna. My uncle Narayana Murthy bought a Philips radio at Vizag Radio Co. Afternoon we saw the Telugu film “Prema Desam” in cinema Jagadamba. I found it very exciting due to the Dolby Stereo in this cinema. The film highlights the necessity of sacrifice of love for the sake of friendship. We went into Vimal Showroom but did not buy anything. My uncle bought a baby dress at American Silks for his little daughter. Thereafter we moved to the 16th room in Imperial Lodge. Various names are written on the walls inside the room. I felt a strange feeling of love looking at them. I like the city of Visakhapatnam very much. Went to sleep by 9:00 in that lodge.

31 August (Saturday)

Woke up by 4:30. Got ready soon and stepped out of the lodge by 7:00. Went to Hotel Sabari and had our breakfast. Reached VEHOT (Visakhapatnam Eye Hospital Operation Theater) by 8:00 in an auto rickshaw. Gopala Raju and Vasu Dev, the eye specialist doctors, were already there. This building, meant for eye operations, is very neat and attractive. I liked its construction and the silence in it. These two doctors performed eye operations to some six patients within three hours. Uncle Janaki Rama Raju underwent some tests. We moved to the Eye Hospital from there. He was told to come another day for his eye operation. We went to railway station. Bought three tickets for Tirumala Express to NRPM station. Reached home by 4:30. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

1 September (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent all my time at home. Morning watched “Rangoli” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Afternoon watched a Bengali feature film on it. It was excellent. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Jalsaa Raayudu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:00.

2 September (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Reached Elamanchili by 10:30. Moved to the office of Life Insurance Corporation of India. Did some work there. Loafed around here and there for sometime. Went to cinema Tulasi Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Veerudu”. It is meant for loafers like me. Soon after the film, came back to railway station and took Godavari Express. Reached home by 6:00. Night watched the Telugu programs “Hrudhaya Spandhana” and “Kraanti Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “I feel sorry to find the state of ethics in the world now. It is all hedonism that matters. Even India joined this wave of cultural changes. Possessiveness and belongingness are hardly found in human relationships. These social trends and practices are more prevalent in the cities than in the villages”. Went to bed by 9:00.

3 September (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. Went to Adduroad by 11:00 on bicycle. Saw the Telugu film “Nee Prema Kosam” in Lakshmipati Raju Mahal. Returned home by 1:30. Evening watched the Telugu programs “Chithra Sourabhalu” “Edhalo Veenalu Mroge” and “Quiz Time” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. I became weak due to cold for the last ten days. We expected that my brother Srinivas would come here today from Ambala Cantonment. My thought follows, “When one is physically or mentally affected, even the active and beautiful nature looks passive and ugly. The physical condition and the mental process are interlinked in majority of the cases. Entertainment is necessary to cure the disturbances of mind created out of desperate life. Balanced diet and adequate sleep are necessary for a sound body”. Went to bed by 9:00.

4 September (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched some programs on Doordarshan. By 1:00 started to Adduroad and saw the Telugu film “Kashmir”. It was very good. Today I collected my stitched clothes from the Style King Tailors. The stitching came well. Night watched the programs “Swayamvaram” and “Chithra Haar” on Doordarshan. Today I received a call letter. They intimated me to attend an interview at All Saints Christian Law College in Visakhapatnam about joining the law course. I am at a crossroads of doubts and fears now. Should I join law or army? If I pursue law, it takes nearly ten years for me to become a full-pledged lawyer. If I join army, it is difficult for me to face the hard basic training. But I can become financially independent. I am unable to choose either one of these two challenging options. May God give me a good idea and direct me well. Today it was hot. My prayers to Mother Saraswati and Lord Ganesh. Went to bed by 9:00.

5 September (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. By 6:15 started to our mango garden by hills to bring flowers and leaves for offering to Lord Gopal on the auspicious occasion of His birth anniversary today. It drizzled when I was plucking them. I enjoyed that environment. Returned home by 7:15. Went to the temple of Lord Krishna in our village by 10:00. The priest arrived by 10:30. The formal worship went on for two hours. I prayed Lord Gopal to direct me well in a good path. His date of birth is not known clearly to anybody. Today we received a letter from my brother Srinivas. He informed us that he would come here on the 9th of this month. Today it was cloudy. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Went to bed by 12:00.

6 September (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. By 3:00, Venkatapathi Raju, the maternal grandfather of my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, came from Molleru Mallavaram on a scooter, along with his villager. Night watched the Telugu program “Chithra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Photos occupy a prominent place in the human world. The lifespans of various organisms on this earth might be very short but their photos are the sweet reflections of their existence, which last long for our visual purposes. Black and white and color photos spread everywhere nowadays. I like photos very much. The photos of beautiful actresses, admirable actors and many other renowned personalities of the world are attractions to anybody with some amount of aesthetic sensibility. Artists are the creatures that create exceptional beauty through their mastery of painting. The photos of deities and saints inspire the feelings of divinity in us. Beautiful photos of all entities attract everybody. The technology of photography is a great asset of human civilization”. Went to bed by 9:00.

7 September (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 5:15. Took Godavari Express and reached Visakhapatnam by 7:30. Proceeded to All Saints Christian Law College for attending the interview regarding my admission into its five-year law course. Entered a classroom and sat on a bench there for sometime. I decided not to join law course. Came out and went to Lodge Dakshayani along with a friend from Cuddapah and spent there talking with him for one hour. Then came out and took a city bus to the area of cinemas Sangam and Sharat. When I was getting off the bus, from on the footboard, near these cinemas, a scooterist came fast from behind and hit me. I fell on road and rose quickly. I suffered from shock for a while but did not get injured. God saved me. Returned home by 8:30 by Visakhapatnam-Kakinada passenger. Went to sleep by 9:30.

8 September (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Doordarshan. Today I entered my 21st year of life. On this occasion, I pray Lord Krishna, Lord Shiva, Lord Ganapathi and Mother Saraswati to guide me. My best wishes to Lakshmi. Went to sleep by 12:00.

9 September (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to post office at Peda Gummuluru by 10:30. Today I am sending a Telugu story to the office of Telugu weekly Swati in Vijayawada. This is for the “Telugu Story Contest” being conducted by this weekly. The title of this story is ‘Jeevitham’. It is the story of an old and poor man in India living with his grandson. The old man explains the essence of life and death, related to human existence on this earth, to his grandson, when he discovers that he is going to die soon due to a fatal disease, about which his grandson does not know. He tells the little boy that human life is a blend of sorrow and happiness. One needs fortitude to face sorrow. Everybody can live happily. I don’t know whether it gets a prize or not but I sent it for my satisfaction of participation. Returned home by 12:00. From 12:00 to 1:00 watched the Telugu programs “Chithra Sumaalu” and “Aaanimuthyaalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 2:30 to 4:00 watched the Hindi serials “Shanti” “Sukh Dukh” and “Swaabhimaan” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today I felt very sleepy. Last night I slept late. Adequate night sleep is very important for everybody. In sleep, one’s body and mind relax. Spent a calm day. Went to sleep by 9:30.

10 September (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. Spent sometime at our Panchayat office. Afternoon watched Telugu programs “Chithra Sumaalu” and “Barthruhari Janma Vrutthaantham” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Evening watched the programs “Jaabulu Javaabulu”, “Employment News” and “Chithra Sourabhaalu”. Night watched the programs “Haalahalam” and “Quiz Time”. My thought follows, “My life is at a peculiar stage now. It likes the beauty of girls and ladies. It finds special attraction in the sweet voice of females. Every human being faces this stage of life. If a girl throws a short and sweet look, the receiving boy feels bliss during those moments. He desires to be slowly associated with her. It eventually lands them in love. It is inherent and permanent human disease. Nobody can cure it”. Went to bed by 10:00.

11 September (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. From 7:30 to 8:30 spent at our Panchayat office. Rest of the time spent watching Doordarshan. Afternoon watched the programs “Chithra Sumaalu” and “Malladi Ramakrishna Sastry Kathalu”. Night watched “Swayamvaram” and “Chitra Haar”. Evening it rained heavily. Last night I saw Lakshmi in my dream. My thought follows, “Many say that man toils for food only on this earth. I don’t agree on this point because one wants many other things as well for one’s life. Conspiracies, assassinations, rapes and various other heinous crimes are taking place in this world. The evil forces of a man make him behave so toward other innocent people and creatures. Food is basic need. Once it is available adequately, one pursues other evil practices for one’s devilish joy. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

12 September (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. Most of the time spent watching Doordarshan. On the occasion of the last day of Sraavana Maasam (a holy month in Telugu calendar, particularly for traditional Hindu girls and women) let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Went to bed by 10:00.

13 September (Friday) to 14 September (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Today I got fever. So, let me chant the name of Lord Shiva. Mallikarjuna Suprabhaatam follows: “Praataha smarami gananaadha manaadha bhandhum, Sindhoorapoora Parishobhita Gandayugmam. Uddhanda Vighna parikhandana chandadandam, Maa akhandalaadhi suranaayaka brundhavandhyam. Kalaabhyaam choodaalankrutha shasikalaabhyam, nija thapaha, falaabhyaam bhaktesu prakateeta phalaabhyaam bhavatume, shivaabhya masthoka tribhuvana shivaabhyam hrudhi punarbhavaabyaa maananda spura dhanubhavaabhyam nathiriyamh. Namaste namaste mahadeva shambho, namaste namaste krupaapoorna sindhoh, namaste namaste prasannaathma bhandhoh, namaste namaste namaste mahesaa. Sasvachree girimoordhani thrijagataam rakshaakrutim lataam, saakshaadhakshaya satkaataksha saranhini shrimatsudhaavarshineem, souhaardhankita mastakam pranhamataam nisseema sampatpradam, suslokaam bhramarambhikaam smita mumukeem shambho ssakhinthvaanama. Maathahaa praseedha sadhayaa bhava bhava seelah, leela lavaakalita dhaitya kulaapahare, sree chakrarajyanilaye shritageeta keertheh, sreesailanaadha dhayithe tava suprabhaatam. Shambho surendranutha shankara soolapaanne, Chandraavatamsa shiva sarva pinaakapane, gangadharaha kratupathe garudadhwajaaptha, sree mallikarjunavibho thava suprabhatam. Vishwesha viswajana sevitha viswamurthey, viswambhara tripura bedhana viswayoge, palaaksha, bhavyaguna, bogi, vibhooshanesha, sri mallikarjuna vibho, tava suprabhaatam. Kalyanaroopa karunaakara kaalakhantha, kalpadhruma prasavapoojita kaamadaayan, durneeti dhaitya dhalanodhyata deva deva, sri mallikaarjunavibho tava suprabhaatam. Gowri manohara ganeswara sevitangre, gandharva yakshasurakinnera geeta keerthe, gandaarvalambhi fanhikundala manditaasya sree mallikarjunavibho tava suprabhataam. Naagendra bhooshana nireenita nirvikaara, niramaya nitchala.

15 September (Sunday)

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare.

16 September (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I have low fever. So, let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Lord Gopal! Save and direct me always. Went to bed by 9:00.

17 September (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Even today I am suffering from low fever. So, let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala  Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala Gopala. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. God! Direct me. Spent a weak day. Went to bed by 9:30.

18 September (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Today I am not well. Let me chant the sweet name of my Lord Krishna. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Went to bed by 9:30.

19 September (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:00. Presently, in Tirupati, the celebrations of Sri Venkateshwara Brahmotshavam are going on. On this auspicious occasion, let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Rama Krishna Govinda Narayana, Krishna Rama Govinda Narayana. Went to bed by 9:00.

20 September (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Save and direct me my God. Save and direct me my God. Save and direct me my God. Save and direct me my God. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish me all the best. Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save Save.

21 September (Saturday)

Bless me with mental peace. Bless me with mental peace. Direct me soon to Bangalore. Direct me soon to Bangalore. Direct me soon to Bangalore. Direct me soon to Bangalore. Direct me soon to Bangalore. Direct me soon to Bangalore. Send me soon please. Send me soon please. Bless me with mental peace. I should completely forget Lakshmi. Otherwise I will become mad. Please don’t make me so. Give me power to forget her completely. Give me power to forget her completely. Give me power to forget her completely. Give me power to forget her completely. Otherwise bless me with demise. Lord Gopal! Receive my request. For the last ten days, I have been spending my time casually at home. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

22 September (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Spent all my time at home. Morning watched “Rangoli” on Delhi Doordarshan. Afternoon watched the Kannada feature film “Giri Mallige” on Delhi Doordarshan. It was fantastic. Went to sleep by 9:00.

23 September (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. For the last four days, I have been suffering from an eye infection. It is a temporary one which cures itself within four or five days. My thought follows, “The brain in the human body is the supreme leader. If it is sad, the nature seems sad, though it is alike always. An evil thought in one’s mind is more dangerous than a sharp knife in one’s hand. Others can alert themselves looking at a knife with one creature but nobody can trace an evil thought in one’s mind. One may look very good by one’s appearance and yet one may be bad internally. One may live with another one very closely for more than 50 years and still one can’t completely understand the other. Only 95 percent can be known. The rest remains unknown. One’s mind is the only space where one can feel absolute privacy. The other person that can check the data in one’s mind is God. He never leaks those secrets to others”. Went to bed by 9:00.

24 September (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Rested on cot for sometime. From 3:30 to 5:00 listened to cine songs from Vividha Bharati and Sri Lanka radio stations. From 5:30 to 6:00 watched cine songs on Doordarshan. Night watched “Quiz Time”. Radio is a good friend to me. I have been listening to radio for the last four years. My favorite programs are cine songs, plays, playlets and Hari Kathaas. I listen to cine songs of various languages. I can understand 50 percent of Hindi songs. The melody of music and the sweet voice of singers are the real attractions of a song in any place of the world. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 September (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Knew that all trains were canceled temporarily because a wagon caught fire in Nidadavolu area. Proceeded to Adduroad in an auto rickshaw and from there to Elamanchili by a bus. Some shops and the like were removed from the bus stop site of Elamanchili. I knew that very soon bus complex would be constructed there. Went to cinema Sita Chitra Mandir and saw the Telugu film “Bhaaratheeyudu” of Kamal Hassan, Manisha Koirala and Urmila. The music director is A R Rahman. Kamal played a good role. He dislikes bribing others to get his things done. He is old. He participated in the Indian freedom movement. Then the British exploited India. Now Indians are exploiting their fellow human beings through their corrupt and unethical practices. He kills all blokes who did not do their assigned duties for not being given bribery by him. He does it strategically using an old knife and a martial art. I liked it very much. Later I shopped for my uncle Rama Raju. Reached home by 6:00 by a bus. Night watched the programs “Swayamvaram” and “Chitra Haar” on Doordarshan. Went to bed by 10:00.

26 September (Thursday)

Got up by 5:15. Morning listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. Started to Raja Venkata Nagaram by 10:00. Spent there till 2:00. Returned home by 3:00. From 4:00 to 5:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Night watched the Telugu serial “Chaanakya” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night also listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. From 9:30 to 10:15 listened to Telugu play “Raathi Puvvu” on radio. Let me chant the holy name of my Lord Gopal. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10.15.

27 September (Friday)

Got up by 5:15. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. Started to Adduroad by 10:00 on bicycle to spend my time there. Spent much time at the store of silver utensils of my friend Ramesh Kumar. Returned home by 12:30. Had my lunch and rested from 1:00 to 2:00. From 4:00 to 5:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Watched the programs “Chithra Gaana Tharangam” from 6:30 to 7:00 and “Chitra Lahari” from 7:30 to 8:30 on Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Self-confidence is important for everybody. When we have belief in ourselves about our abilities, we can do something useful wholeheartedly. Thus we can reach other levels of personal achievements gradually. Dedication to our goal is important. Even if we fail to reach our goal, we can avoid self-criticism in that context. We can’t decide the success or failure of our endeavors. Our role is to do our best aiming at something good and constructive”. Went to bed by 9:00.

28 September (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:00. Detrained in Elamanchili and moved to the pan shop of my friend Appa Rao. From there I went to cinema Venkateswara and saw the English film “Golden Eye”. It is an excellent film based on hitech warfare. It rained. After that film, went to cinema Tulasi Chitra Mandir and saw the English film “Invasion of Privacy”. It is meant for loafers like me. Came back to station by 4:45. Godavari Express arrived by 5:30. Reached home by 6:00. Today it is Gunner’s Day and also the birth anniversary of Gurram Jashuva, a famous Telugu poet. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

29 September (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Doordarshan. It rained. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Lakshmi Nivaasam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was good. May God bless me. Went to sleep by 9:00.

30 September (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. It rained even today. I enjoy rainy season. One can sleep well during this cool season. Rain has music in it. Human mind remains quiet, paying partial attention to its rhythm. This season is very suitable for young lovers to celebrate themselves. They can spend their time happily going to see films together. They find bliss in talking with each other walking along roads in the rain. But uneducated and conservative people cannot understand or digest the pursuits of such young lovers. Rumors spread about their relationship. Concepts of community, religion and financial status occupy rest of the scene. Thus tradition distances man and woman from the world of admiration and subjects them to the norms of social and religious orthodoxy. May God bless me. This is the last day of this month. I spent it well by grace of God. My prayers to Mother Saraswati and Lord Ganapathi. Went to bed by 9:00.

1 October (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. By 8:00 went to Adduroad to bring Nestum infant food for the little son of my brother Srinivas. It was not available at that moment. They told me to come after sometime. Moved to cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal and saw the Telugu film “Sirimalle Puvvu” of Karthik and his wife. I liked it very much. Karthik is my favorite film actor. I like his Telugu films like Thoorpu Sindhooram, Aakarshana, Anveshana, Gharshana, Abhinandhana and Sitakoka Chilaka. Now he is not acting much in Telugu films. The wife of my favorite hero is also very beautiful. She looks like a perfect Indian woman. Her character in this film attracted me very much. Hers is a tragic character. I pray God to give them a long and happy married life. Returned home by 5:00. Evening knew that Lakshmi came from Narsipatnam. I am not looking at her. May God bless her. Night watched television for sometime. Went to bed by 9:00.

2 October (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. By 6:00 started to village Gurrajupeta. Attended a work there and returned home by 7:20. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon watched the Hindi feature film “Lalkar” on Delhi Doordarshan. I liked it much. Today my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, her maternal grandmother and my nephew Sujan went to Molleru Mallavaram. Today it rained for sometime. Today is a great day on which two noble men of India were born. They are Mahatma Gandhi and Subhash Chandra Bose. On this occasion, the film “The Making of Mahatma”, directed by Shyam Benegal, is released in India. Rajit Kapoor, who has received a national award for his performance in that film, played the role of Mahatma Gandhi. Night watched the programs “Swayamvaram” and “Chitra Haar” on Doordarshan. Today it was cloudy, rainy and cool. Night listened to cine songs on radio for sometime. Spent a calm day. Went to bed by 10:00.

3 October (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent at home. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Punarapi” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu programs “Chaanakya” and “Nera Prapancham” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Even today it was rainy. My thought follows, “Money is all now. Greed for money is making men and women cruel and corrupt. From a beggar to the prime minister of the nation, all are involved in these immoral pursuits of earning money. Few would have self-satisfaction once deep into this trap. It leads to psychic disorders. One may try to make one’s life comfortable by earning money to some extent. Thirst for money can be found in everybody. Corruption can be justified in the sense that one can’t earn much money through honest ways and so resorting to this mean short cut. When one’s life is short, one can’t follow the long routes of earning money if one wants to live happily. When one’s life is more important to one, one doesn’t worry about the suffering or troubles of others, even if he or she is creating them knowingly or unknowingly”. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:30.

4 October (Friday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it is the birthday of Shireen, the anchor of this program. My best wishes to her. Today it was cloudy. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Andhra Rathnaalu: Molla” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 2:30 to 4:00 watched the Hindi programs “Shanti”, “Behti Ganga” and “Swaabhimaan” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio from Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation and Vivida Bharati. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu program “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 8:45 listened to melodious Telugu cine songs on radio. Night the Hindi feature film (from 9:30 to 12:00) was “Prahaar” of Nana Patekar and Madhuri Dixit on Delhi Doordarshan. I did not watch it. This morning a clash took place between my father and me about Lakshmi. Her father would have told my father that I wrote letters to his daughter. I told my father to tell that idiot to prove anything by proofs only. I already collected my letters from the postman. So, he can do nothing. He told me that his daughter does not know my name also. I could not prove it that night to him calling his daughter out. Today he can’t prove that I wrote letters to his daughter. ‘Tit for tat’ in my style. That liar still thinks that I will create problems to his daughter. My father could not say anything to me once I told him that he should not believe in anybody unless there are evidences. I feel sorry about Lakshmi for her being daughter to such a mean creature. Went to bed by 9:00.

5 October (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. From 9:00 to 10:15 listened to cine songs on radio. By 11:00 both of us went to Adduroad on bicycles for spending our time there. We loafed about here and there till 3:00. Returned home by 3:30. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Evening watched the programs “Parliamentary Quiz” and “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film was “Kroadh” of Sanjay Dutt, Sunny Deol and Amitabh Bachchan on Delhi Doordarshan. I did not watch it. Went to bed by 9:00.

6 October (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Doordarshan. From 12:00 to 1:00 watched the Telugu programs “Super Star” and “Cine Laahiri” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Afternoon watched part of the Marathi feature film “Mumbai Chaa Fauzdhaar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Prachanda Bhairavi” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

7 October (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Then wrote a letter to send to Hyderabad radio station. From 8:30 to 9:45 listened to cine songs on radio. By 10:00 started to Adduroad on bicycle. The letter I wrote this morning is concerned with sacredness in India and has two pages. I posted it at the post office in Peda Gummuluru. By that time my friend Krishna Varma came there on bicycle. Both of us proceeded to Adduroad for spending our time. We loafed about here and there for sometime. Spent at the store of silver utensils of my friend Ramesh Kumar for sometime. Thereafter got my negative printed into two passport size black and white photos at Gopala Krishna Photo Studio. By 1:30 reached the house of my uncle Rama Raju at R V Nagaram. Spent there for five minutes. Thence proceeded to village Gurrajupeta and spent there for one hour. Returned home by 5:30. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Spent a pleasant day. Went to bed by 9:00.

8 October (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 10:00 and again from 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Today it rained in the evening. My thought follows, “Teenage brings its demerits into the lives of vulnerable youngsters. Tradition and customs say that one should be within limitations at every step during this time. But the internal forces torture them to do something special to satiate their wild desires and fantasies. Some of the symptoms are irrational and abrupt fascination toward others, desire to kiss somebody like a thief, instinct to talk and walk along with other girls and boys and such other wants which look awkward and objectionable if put on a paper to describe. These forces thus entrap the creatures and push them toward developing and continuing secret relationships. If one can restrain oneself from taking those paths, despite the strong forces working inside, one should be considered great, be it a girl or a boy. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

9 October (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning listened to cine songs on radio for sometime and watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Started to NRPM railway station by 9:00. Tirumala Express arrived by 10:30. Detrained in Elamanchili and went to the pan shop of my friend Appa Rao. Read the Telugu weeklies Andhra Jyothi and Andhra Bhoomi from 11:00 to 2:00. It was drizzling. Came back to railway station and spent there for more than one hour. Our English Lecturer Hasina Begum appeared me there. She asked me about my future plans. I told I would join the Indian Army. She said that I am weak and so do not suit that job. She is affectionate toward me. Reached home by 3:40 by Bokaro-Alleppey Express. Listened to cine songs on radio from 4:00 to 5:30. Night watched the programs “Swayamvaram” and “Chitra Haar” on Doordarshan. Today I went to Elamanchili to spend my time. Spent a happy day. Went to bed by 9:00.

10 October (Thursday)

Got up by 5:20. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. By 1:00 started to Adduroad on bicycle while it was drizzling. Spent at the shop of my friend Ramesh Kumar for one hour. Then proceeded to cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal and from there to cinema Lakshmipati Raju Mahal. Saw the Telugu film “Thummedha” of Harish. This film portrays the social disorders that emerge if a teenage boy and an aged and lonely lady spend closely for sometime. Undesirable events occur someday and they get psychologically also attached in due course of time. Such relationship is a cultural and social taboo in the Indian context but circumstances and vulnerabilities often lead humans toward such tendencies and practices. It is a bad film and is meant for misguiding youth. Night watched the Telugu programs “Chaanakya” and “Nera Prapancham” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to bed by 9:00.

11 October (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. By 10:15 started to our mango garden on foot. The large mango groves of the aristocratic Kshatriyas of village Tangedu are around our cashew and mango garden of 18 acres. My uncle Narayana Murthy and I walked through those groves for one hour. The sweet memories of my attachment with this garden made me nostalgic. To walk among these mute and green trees on a cloudy or rainy day is like living in heaven free of cost. Afternoon had my lunch at the house of this uncle. Spent there for five hours. Started there by 3:00 and reached home by 3:30. Listened to cine songs on radio from 4:00 to 5:30. From 6:00 to 6:30 watched “Chitra Gaana Tharangam” and from 7:30 to 8:30 “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Bol Radha Bol”. I did not watch it. Today it was hot. My thought follows, “In the present society, one’s character is hardly valued against the considerations of one’s earning capacity, community and religion”. Went to bed by 9:00.

12 October (Saturday)

Got up by 5:15. From 8:00 to 8:50 spent my time at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Rested at home for sometime. From 11:15 to 1:00 spent watching Doordarshan. From 2:30 to 5:00 ironed my clothes. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 6:30 to 8:00 watched “Anurag Film Review”, “Parliamentary Quiz” and “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Surya”. Watched it for sometime. Night I had a dream in which Lakshmi looked at me with her pregnancy. She desired to come to our house to sit for sometime. I know it was a misguiding dream because those two creatures are visiting temples to pray gods and goddesses for children.
It was what I heard from some sources in our village. Went to bed by 11:00.

13 October (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:00. Spent all my time at home. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Super Star” and “Cine Laahiri” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Thereafter watched the Oriya feature film “Amaa Gharaa Amaa Sansaar” on Delhi Doordarshan. It was fabulous. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Sati Leelaavathi” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:30.

14 October (Monday)

Woke up by 5:15. All the day spent within the village. From 7:00 to 7:50 spent at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. From 8:00 to 9:00 spent at our Panchayat office. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From 10:00 to 12:00 read a book of stories and poetry. From 12:00 to 1:00 watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Sthree Parvam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 2:30 to 4:00 watched the Hindi programs “Shakti”, “Yug” and “Swaabhimaan” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 6:00 to 6:30 watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Raaga Sudha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu playlet “Gudi Gantalu” and the Telugu serial “Kraanti Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 8:45 listened to cine songs on radio. Today it was cool. My thought follows, “At present politics is not for honest and righteous persons to serve the nation but for those who can strategically remove their rivals and acquire power to earn huge amounts of money and transitory fame”. My prayers to Mother Saraswati and Lord Gopal. Went to bed by 9:00.

15 October (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 7:30 to 8:30 spent at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From 12:00 to 1:00 watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Malladi Ramakrishna Sastry Kathalu: ‘Neelamani’” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Evening cooking was my duty. From 5:30 to 6:30 watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chitra Sourabhalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 7:30 to 8:30 continued the same pursuit. From 8:30 to 9:00 listened to cine songs on radio. My thought follows, “I don’t know the real meaning of friendship or companionship. How can it be expressed or felt? Is it through letters? Is it by spending together for a long time or always? Is it through spending money for one another? Is it through helping financially inferior ones to us? Is sacrifice required for it? May be they are all contentious issues regarding friendship! But, in simple words, it is a ‘happy time passing game’”. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

16 October (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. Today also cooking and housekeeping were my duties. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From today onwards, for 15 days, electricity will not be supplied from 12:00 to 5:00 as per the scheduled power cut timings to villages. I cannot watch television for this reason. From 7:30 to 7:50 watched the 13th and last episode of the weekly Telugu program “Swayamvaram” which went on well all these days and ended interestingly today. From 8:00 to 8:30 watched “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan in which Suchitra Krishnamurthy of Hindi film industry appeared. Today it is the birthday of Hema Malini, the Hindi film actress. Today it was hot. My thought follows, “A man must be a blend of all the qualities like compassion, resentment, warmth and humor for being considered a complete man”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

17 October (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. From 2:30 to 5:30 watched the triangular series of one-day international cricket match between South Africa and India on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 8:45 listened to cine songs on radio. Today, when I went to the front yard of our house around 6:00 in the evening, my looks fell on Lakshmi at their house. She calmly sat at the entrance gate of their house in a red dress. By that glance my heartbeat increased because she was all for me in my dreamland once but she belongs to her husband now. Looking at her is a self-imposed taboo for me now. I could not win her. She got married. My heart was broken. The same girl, whom I admired once, is the spouse of another man now. My heart can’t receive her. I was deeply hurt looking at her by chance. I can be happy if I blindly believe that she is not there even if I know that she is there. If our eyes catch hold of a reality, which we personally wish to consider as an unreality, our heart gets hurt at the loyal and honest interpretation of the eyes. May God bless me peace of mind. Went to bed by 9:00.

18 October (Friday)

Got up by 5:30. The drizzle was on. From 8:15 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. By 10:45 started to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram. Spent there till 4:30. Spent sometime testing the learning progress of my cousins Vasu and Naren. They improved considerably in their studies. The rain is intermittently going on due to the cyclone caused by the effect of depression over the Bay of Bengal. Started back to home by 4:30. Went to the goldsmith in village Koruprolu on the way and completed an assignment given at home. Rode my bicycle very fast when the shower was on its way trying to catch me. Reached home by 6:05. Watched the Telugu program “Chitra Gaana Tharangam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched “Chitra Lahari” on it. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Mera Lahoo”. Watched a small part of it. My thought follows, “Rainy season is very good for newly married couple, in a good house in a town, when there are no other folks of their families, or others, except those two with passionate bodies and crazy minds”. Went to sleep by 9:30.

19 October (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. During the daytime watched one-day triangular series between South Africa and Australia, which is being played at Indore. From 6:30 to 7:00 watched the Telugu program “Anurag Film Review” on Hyderabad Doordarshan in which an interview with South Indian film actress Revati was presented. From 7:00 to 8:30 watched “Telugu News”, the final round of “National Parliamentary Quiz” and “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Betaab”. Sunny Deol and Amrita Singh played the main roles in it. It was presented from 9:30 to 12:45. It has an absorbing love story. I liked the innocent and attractive face of the heroine. Went to bed by 1:00.

20 October (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Morning watched “Rangoli”, “Sri Krishna”, “Super Star” and “Cine Laahiri” programs on Doordarshan. Afternoon watched the Tamil feature film “Pathinaru Vayathinile” on Delhi Doordarshan. It is a masterpiece. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Pedha Raasi Peddhamma Katha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:30.

21 October (Monday)

Woke up by 5:30. Today it is Vijaya Dasami, an auspicious day, on which long ago Goddess Durga killed a giant, who used to trouble the virtuous. That is why this festival would be celebrated throughout India as a reminder of the philosophy of the conquest of virtue against evil. Some other great events also took place on this day, which were mentioned in the Hindu scriptures. Today it was cloudy. Morning, on the occasion of Dasara, the Telugu feature film “Yama Gola” of Rama Rao was presented on Hyderabad Doordarshan from 10:00 to 1:00. It is a comic film. Enjoyed watching it. By 1:30 started to our mango garden. Spent there from 2:00 to 5:30. Returned home by 6:00. By 4:00 my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, my nephew Sujan and my brother Sambha came from Molleru Mallavaram. Night watched Doordarshan for sometime. My prayers to Goddess Parvati Devi, the Mother to all the creatures in this cosmos, to save and direct me always. Went to sleep by 9:00.

22 October (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:30. Reached NRPM station by 9:00 and knew that Tirumala Express would arrive late for four days. Proceeded to the nearby bus stop and reached Adduroad by a bus. Took a lorry to Elamanchili. Went to the pan shop of my friend Appa Rao and read Telugu weeklies Swati, Andhra Bhoomi and Andhra Jyothi till 1:30. Then went to vegetable market and bought a few items. Also bought a Surya electric bulb. Drizzle was on. Came back to railway station. Waited there for more than three hours. Godavari Express arrived by 5:15. Reached home by 6:00 when the program “Chitra Sourabhalu” was going on Hyderabad Doordarshan. This morning I wrote the names of Lakshmi and mine on the small cement walls of the bus shelter on the NRPM railway over bridge with a piece of chalk. From this place only she takes bus to Narsipatnam. If she comes here in two or three days, she reads my name with hers. Recently I wrote her name and mine on an empty cigarette pack also, which is lying beside the road there. If she notices it, while waiting for a bus to Narsipatnam, she understands that I too loved her. May my Lord Gopal direct it. Night watched the Telugu programs “Haalahalam” and “Ramu Somu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My prayers to mothers Saraswati, Parvati and Lakshmi. Went to bed by 9:30.

23 October (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:30. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Today I spent most of my daytime watching one-day triangular cricket series being played between India and South Africa at Jaipur. By 4:30 moved to Adduroad on bicycle. From 5:00 to 5:30 calmly sat in the chair at a hair salon when the barber was devotedly attending my haircut. Returned home by 6:15. Night watched “Chitra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it was hot. My thought follows, “True love is like a sharp knife. It behaves brutally in the circumstances of failure. At the same time, it can be a path of flowers to walk on happily if success is achieved. Generally, many great love stories would have sad and tragic endings. If the involved lovers are softhearted ones, they would be tortured and suppressed a lot by the negative forces of the society”. Went to bed by 9:00.

24 October (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Today I spent most of my time idly. From 4:00 to 5:00 listened to cine songs on radio. My thought follows, “Human life is not a bed of roses on earth always. Hardships are an integral part of it. Otherwise the journey of an individual toward demise looks dull and boring. Majority of the humanity follows spiritualism in a collective way when badly surrounded by agonies. Many say that there is heaven somewhere near the sky to where the virtuous go after their death. Some say that there is no such place and this earth is only both hell and heaven for humans. Natural calamities like floods and earthquakes scare the humanity a lot. When majority of people become immoral and practice sins, the deities get furious and punish perverts. The occurrence of natural calamities increased now. The involvement of divine beings in these affairs must be taken for granted”. Went to bed by 9:00.

25 October (Friday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 6:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Gaana Tharangam” and “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Yalgaar” of Sanjay Dutt and Nagma. I did not watch it. My thought follows, “Human comfort increased much in the present times in a material sense due to advancements in aviation technology. One can reach any part of the nation or the world within a few hours or days. Advancement of a civilization toward a better future always carries some disadvantages with it. The same technology led to the invention of fatal weapons and big nations with thirst for war are ready to use them at any time. Any nation, which is financially and technologically strong, generally intends to wage a war against a poor nation even for trivial causes or factors. It desires to exhibit its strength to other nations in some way. Such game of war, meant for the entertainment of a few, lands many in tragedy. This is what we are observing in the present global scenario of frequent conflicts and wars”. Went to bed by 9:00.

26 October (Saturday)

Got up by 5:30. Today it was calm and cloudy. By 9:00 went to NRPM railway station along with my friend Krishna Varma. We missed Simhadri Express. Went to the nearby bus stop and spent there for sometime. Came back to railway station and took Vizag-Tuni DMU passenger. Went to a hotel and had our breakfast. Spent much time walking along the roads. Went to cinema “Sri Rama” by 1:00 and saw the Telugu film “Ninne Pellaaduthaa” of Nagarjuna and Tabu. It has a bad love story and lacks decent direction. Returned home by 7:30. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Ram Lakhan”. Watched it for one hour. Went to sleep by 10:30.

27 October (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Spent all my time at home. Morning watched “Rangoli” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Owing to power cut, morning could not watch “Sri Krishna” program completely. Today it rained a bit. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Memoo Meelaanti Manusulame” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:00.

28 October (Monday)

Woke up by 5:30. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan in which an interview with Hindi film actor AAamir Khan was presented. Watched the program of the Indira Gandhi National Open University for sometime. From 8:30 to 9:00 attended the domestic chore of fetching water from the small well at the back of our house. From 10:00 to 12:30 spent at our Panchayat office reading the recent issues of Telugu weekly Swati.  Afternoon rested on cot for sometime. These days I have been spending most of my time playing with our little creature Sujan. He is roaring like a lion. He is not sitting in my lap for much time. He goes to that side and this side. I call them ‘age effects’. When one has much personal liberty at one’s disposal, one does not know how to use it. He is learning to crawl. Recently he has entered his seventh month. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 8:00 to 8:30 watched the Telugu program “Kraanti Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Once again I firmly assert that Lord Gopal is the director of my life. Went to bed by 9:00.

29 October (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. By 11:00 my maternal uncle Krishnam Raju and our relative Venkateswarlu came from Gollalagunta. By 3:30 started to Adduroad on bicycle to bring broiler chicken for these guests. My thought follows, “Change is a common phenomenon in every age. At present, we are running in a dangerous and violent phase of time. It is not possible to identify whether one is good or bad that easily. First of all what is good or bad? Let us suppose; one is financially poor but very highly educated. His awareness about poverty of masses in the world pains him a lot. It can be resolved only through distributing a lot of money to them, which is impracticable. If he makes fake currency, the government catches and punishes him. To pity the poor is good and to try to resolve their problems at any cost is bad in this context. This example shows that one’s pity for others can’t solve their problems. On the other hand, the billionaires of the world do not or cannot distribute all their money to these poor, going against the universal truth that man is basically and essentially selfish, and he tries to spend his money according to his rational or absolutely irrational choices or preferences. So, the dichotomy of good and bad can never be resolved perfectly”. Went to bed by 9:00.

30 October (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:15. By 7:30 our relatives left for Gollalagunta. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. By 10:20 started to NRPM railway station. Took Vizag-Tuni DMU passenger by 11:30. Detrained in Tuni and moved to Kumar Shirts Showroom. Bought a shirt for 75 rupees. Then went to another cloth store named “Sri Krishna Silk Palace” and bought a lungi. Then went to another cloth store “Sree Venkateswara Silk House” and bought a blue polyester lungi. Both of these cost 100 rupees. This money is the interest for 500 rupees gifted by the Etikoppaka Cooperative Sugar factory for my marks in my tenth standard. My father lent it to some fellow. He gave 210 rupees as interest for it. All my shopping went on in Balaji Complex area only. Returned home by 3:00 by Rajahmundry-Visakhapatnam passenger. Went to sleep by 9:00.

31 October (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. My thought follows, “At present dishonesty and bribery are prevalent in India. The opportunities provided by the government (the constitution) for the poorest of the society are not reaching them in the expected manner. Most of the Indians are still in uncivilized and illiterate conditions. Politicians devise measures and tricks to attract them during elections. If they win for once, their goal is to earn the most they can. Limitless desires of bureaucracy push them toward illegal and unethical ways of earning. This is an ugly and inevitable characteristic of this age. So, one can do nothing to uproot it completely. This can be prevented only when the world turns into ashes someday. It happens after thousands of years only”. My prayers to Lord Gopal, Mother Saraswati and Lord Ganesh. My farewell to this Happy October! Went to sleep by 9:00.

1 November (Friday)

Woke up by 5:30. I cordially welcome November. Morning spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. By 11:20 started to NRPM railway station. Took Tuni-Visakhapatnam DMU passenger and detrained at Elamanchili. Went to the house of Satya Narayana and talked with him for sometime. Then went to the pan shop of my friend Appa Rao and spent there reading Telugu weeklies Andhra Bhoomi, Andhra Jyothi and Swati till 4:00. Bought a copy of Telugu film weekly Sitara. From 4:00 to 5:30 spent at Elamanchili railway station. Most of the time I remained standing because our lecturers were there a bit away from me. Godavari Express arrived by 5:30. Reached home by 6:00. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film (at 9:30) on Delhi Doordarshan was “Prem qaidi”. Watched it for 30 minutes. Today the Formation Day of Andhra Pradesh was celebrated. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 10:30.

2 November (Saturday)

Got up by 5:30. Today I wrote three postcards to three girls whose names and addresses were given in the Telugu weekly Andhra Bhoomi in its ‘Pen Pal’ section. They are Priya from Bangalore, Udayasaali from Karim Nagar district and Srivatsava from Hyderabad. I wrote them in English. By 2:15 went to post office at Peda Gummuluru to post them. Knew that by then today’s postbags were dispatched. Went to NRPM railway station by 3:15 and waited for Godavari Express to give those postcards to the ones in the RMS (Railway Mail Service of the Indian Government) coach for their faster dispatch. I don’t like the postcards reaching the addresses late. At last put them in the postbox in this railway station. Returned home by 6:20. Watched the Telugu program “Anurag Film Review” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

3 November (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:30. Morning, owing to power cut, could not watch any programs on television. Afternoon watched Telugu programs “Super Star” and “Cine Laahiri” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Pichchodi Pelli” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was very good. My salutes to Lord Gopal. Went to sleep by 9:00.

4 November (Monday)

Got up by 5:30. Morning spent sometime at our Panchayat office. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Sthree Parvam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. By 1:30 started to our mango garden by hills. Spent most of my time at the thatched hut of my paternal grandparents. Returned home by 5:15. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu programs “Andhra Rathnaalu” and “Kraanthi Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Winter is slowly expanding its wings of cold winds. It is getting very cold during night. At this time, one thing must be remembered. There are three seasons of time. In them heat, rain and cold are main contents. Nature provides them. Every creature must adjust itself and live in tune to the effects of these three seasons to continue its survival. The vulnerability of living beings on earth to the impact of nature upon them signifies the smallness of man against the forces of nature. Even a great scientist must take an umbrella with him while walking in the rain. It proves his littleness before nature. Went to bed by 9:00.

5 November (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. Morning spent at our Panchayat office for two hours. Afternoon watched “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Godavari”, part of a tele serial, on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs from Sri Lanka and Vividha Bharati radio stations. From 5:30 to 6:30 watched Telugu program “Chitra Sourabhalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu programs “Ramu Somu” and “Haalahalam” on it. My thought follows, “I think purity means one’s dedication to moral values. But nowadays it is rarely found in human relations. Many are resorting to unethical practices for bodily pleasure. It can be hidden from the observation of the civilized society but not from one’s conscience, which reminds one, time to time, of one’s guilty act, committed once. Leading a virtuous life helps one to be happy always without guilt complex”. Went to bed by 9:00.

6 November (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning spent most of my time at our Panchayat office. By 1:30 started to our mango garden on bicycle. Spent there till 4:30. Today, the cyclone, caused due to the effect of low pressure over the Bay of Bengal, badly ruined the East and West Godavari districts in Andhra Pradesh. Some of their bordering districts were also affected. Let me chant the name of my Lord Gopal during this time of crisis in the state. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. May Lord Gopal direct me. My prayers to Lord Ganesh and Mother Saraswati. Went to bed by 9:00.

7 November (Thursday)

Got up by 5:30. Morning spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. By 11:00 started to our mango garden. Spent there till 3:00. Returned home by 3:30. Night watched the Telugu programs “Manmadha Rekha” and “Nera Prapancham” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Education provides awareness about oneself and rest of the world around. But, nowadays, the ideal aims of education are forgotten. The notions of caste, religion and region are affecting it a lot. Mother Saraswati blesses them, who believe in Her the best, and worship Her the most. One can become great in education if Her kindness could be earned. Education makes a man or a woman cultured and refined in his or her thoughts and behavior. In the present days, it is desirable that everybody somehow gets educated. Otherwise one can’t behave decently and admirably in the sophisticated social settings”. Went to bed by 10:00.

8 November (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. By 10:00 started to Etikoppaka Cooperative Sugar Factory at Darlapudi on an errand and returned home by 12:30. Night watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Gaana Tharangam” and “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “God is the supreme creator and director of this cosmos. But all people don’t accept it. Seeing the God’s real appearance is not a simple thing. Meditation is very useful in this regard. All these earthly relations are like a dark screen between God and man. Man gets entangled in the thick and imaginary bonds of this material world taking them as valuable and real things. He does not like to tread the difficult path of spiritualism. Everybody knows that his or her bond with the visible entities of this world is temporary. Yet one develops deep attachments with them. That is where the beauty of human life on earth lies. A believer in God must be ready to do everything on behalf of Him. Such person leads a simple life. He spends most of his time in the service or thoughts of God. He perceives God in all the phenomena of the world. Such people can lead independent and balanced lives. When a man deeply meditates for God for years together, the dark screen between him and the God disappears. Then he can see God face-to-face. Very few can achieve this stage of spiritualism in this age of evil and sin”. Went to bed by 10:00.

9 November (Saturday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. Morning spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. Night watched the program of Hindi cine songs “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Nyay Anyay” of Jitendra, Jayaprada and Shilpa Shirodkar. Watched a small part of it. Today Hindus are celebrating “Naraka Chaturdasi”. It is the day on which long ago a Hindu Goddess killed a giant called Narakasura. At this time one thing must be remembered. Nowadays there are many giants in the society. May be many gods and goddesses should incarnate to kill all of them in a step-by-step manner. Went to bed by 10:30.

10 November (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Afternoon watched the Telugu feature film “Soori Gaadu” on Delhi Doordarshan. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Shri Shirdi Sai Baba Mahaatmyam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night watched the Hindi feature film “Karz” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it is Deepavali. I did not celebrate it. Went to sleep by 12:30.

11 November (Monday)

Got up by 5:30. Morning spent sometime at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Sthree Parvam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night watched the Telugu programs “Madhilo Veenalu Mroge” and “Kraanti Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Practicing real friendship is very difficult. It should be selfless and be ready to share joys and difficulties equally with friends. It looks too ideal to practice in real life. Nowadays we rarely find it. These days friendship also became artificial. It mostly develops among persons of equal status in some sense. Admirable qualities in some people mostly attract others toward them. We rarely find a very poor one being a friend to a rich one for long. Even if a poor and a rich fellow become friends, they take much time to treat each other equally. Some internalized egos can’t be reformed fast. Some spoil the lives of their intelligent and privileged friends out of jealousy. Anyhow getting a great friend must be said to be a matter of luck in this world of shrinking moral values”. Went to sleep by 9:30.

12 November (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 8:00 to 10:30 spent at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. From 12:00 to 1:00 watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Godavari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 5:30 to 6:30 watched the Telugu programs “Haalahalam” and “Ramu Somu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Nature is a great creation of God. He sent various creatures into that great setting. Humans are superior to all other creatures in benefiting from its bounty and appreciating its beauty. But, the modern man started exploiting it madly for his industrial purposes. He does not know how delicate nature is and how it must be conserved. Admiration of nature provides one with happiness and energy. If man exploits it for his present needs, one day he must look at his face only for freshness of life”. Today it rained a bit. Went to bed by 9:00.

13 November (Wednesday)

Woke up by 5:00. By 9:00 started to NRPM railway station. Knew that Tirumala Express is still in its phase of temporary cancellation. Proceeded to Adduroad on bicycle. Saw the Telugu film “Intlo Illaalu Vantintlo Priyuraalu” of Venkatesh, Vinita and Soundarya in cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal. It was interesting. In this film parts of Nepal are shown. These days the trend of naming feature films degraded a lot. Many film titles are rough and irrelevant. The depravity of present language, used by common people, can be found in the titles of these films. They set film titles according to public taste. Now the softness and beauty of oral communication among the common is lost due to the impact of vulgar films and dialogues and songs in them. Anyway it is an entertainment medium. I should not blame it because I am also an admirer of its attractive qualities. I see many films but I like only a few like “Ek Duuje Ke Liye” in Hindi. From 2:00 to 4:00 spent at the pan shop of my friend Appa Rao in Elamanchili. Returned home by 4:30. Night watched the programs “Paper Gopalam” and “Chitra Haar” on Doordarshan. My prayers to Lord Gopal, Mother Saraswati and Lord Vigneswara. Went to bed by 9:00.

14 November (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:30. Today it is Naagula Chavithi, the Hindu festival of serpent worship. All our family members, except our little creature Sujan, did not consume food or water in the morning. We observed formal head baths. This is a tradition of Hindus. Today, all people pour sacred cow milk into anthills. Eggs and some other special homemade eatables are also offered to snakes in anthills. It is Hindu belief that deities of snakes bless their devotees drinking milk and eating eggs offered by them. We performed this worship in three parts of our mango garden by hills. We took Sujan also along with us. We had our homemade lunch there under a big peepul tree. My paternal grandmother Lakshmi Narasayyamma took little Sujan into her hands with the hope that it directly takes her into heaven after her demise (it is Hindu belief that if paternal or maternal grandparents could see their great grandchildren, it would take them to heaven after their deaths). We spent there from 11:00 to 3:00. Returned home by 4:00. Night attended the stage play “Naligina Gulaabi” (of social theme) performed by our villagers at the temple of Lord Rama in our village. It was good.  Watched it till 3:00. Went to sleep by 3:30.

15 November (Friday)

Woke up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. Today I felt sleepy most of the time. Afternoon watched the Hindi serial “Swaabhimaan” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. From 6:00 to 6:30 watched “Chitra Gaana Tharangam” and from 7:30 to 8:30 “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Dost” of Mithun Chakraborty. I wanted to watch it but for sleep. My thought follows, “Penury is like hell. The valuable words of a poor man sound like idle talk to others. He can’t develop in any way. Politicians consider him a brainless bloke. His wife, children and relatives treat him as a nut. He spends much of his money for food. He would be considered as a funny creature in cities. But, one thing is true that he would have a kind heart, which reacts naturally at the pain of others. Mostly his life would be confined to his native place. His death is hardly lamented by others because he leaves very little behind him”. Went to sleep by 9:10.

16 November (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. By 10:00 started to Raja Venkata Nagaram on bicycle. Spent there from 10:40 to 4:20. Talked with Datla Subba Raju, the owner of the coconut garden, under whom my uncle Rama Raju has been working as a supervisor of coconut garden, at a salary of 1000 rupees per month, for some time. Returned home by 5:00. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched “Sipahi Ki Diary” and “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” on Delhi Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Sarphira” of Sanjay Dutt and Madhavi. I watched it till the end. In fact it is not an interesting film. But I watched it because it is a Hindi film and watching any film in the house during night is a good experience. My prayers to Lord Gopal and Mother Saraswati. Spent a good day. Went to bed by 9:00.

17 November (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:30. Spent all my time at home. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Super Star” and “Cine Laahiri” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Thereafter watched the Assamese feature film “Ashaanthi Prahaara” on Delhi Doordarshan. It was good. Evening watched Telugu feature film “Hanthakulosthunnaaru Jaagraththa” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

18 November (Monday)

Got up by 5:30. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Today it is the birthday of Andy, a participant of this program. From 9:00 to 11:00 spent at the house of my friend Krishna Varma. By 1:00 both of us started to Adduroad on our bicycles. Read today’s newspapers for sometime. Loitered about here and there for sometime. Spent much of our time sitting at the shop of my friend Ramesh Kumar. Today I got two of my lungi pieces stitched at a tailor. Returned home by 4:30. My thought follows, “Some followers of Lord Krishna believe that He is living far away from His devotees being afraid of facing them. He once lived at Dwaraka in North India. Now He is out of His earthly abode. I can’t go and see Him there even if He is living there in some form because I am a sinner and so I can’t identify Him. Some devotees say that He is in us. I can’t see Him inside me because there is a thick and dark screen between Him and me. This shows that I am a helpless human being”. Night watched the Telugu programs “Priya Bhaandhavi” and “Kraanthi Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Went to bed by 9:00.

19 November (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. Morning spent sometime at our Panchayat office. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Dakshina Ganga Godavari” and “Chitra Sumaalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 6:00 to 7:30 watched the Telugu programs “Chitra Sourabhalu” and “Haalahalam” on it. My thought follows, “Man should have both inferiority and superiority complexes. The prior often cautions us to realize the fact that there are greater people than us, and there is yet a lot to be learnt by us, and thus keeps us beyond the evil forces of pride and complacency, which hinder our improvement. The latter encourages us, to go successfully on our path of achievements, giving us realistic encouragement, time to time, that we can also do something well, which proves that we can do anything of our practicable reach very well, provided we have the willpower and challenging spirit to attain it. Appreciating the great qualities of others is a good habit. Self motivation and self-awareness help us better ourselves constantly to be somewhat acceptable or appreciable to others”. Went to bed by 8:30.

20 November (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:30. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. By 9:30 started to Kota Uratla on Hero Honda motorcycle along with teacher Varma of our village. Reached my destination by 10:15 and went to the house of Gavva Ramana, where the Saint of Repaka is staying (this saint of our long familiarity meditated for God in an empty well at the hills near Repaka (a village very near to our mango garden) about 20 years ago with a nude body. He did not talk with anybody during that period of his deep meditation and simply wrote answers to the short questions of visitors on white papers he kept with him for that purpose. My parents told me about this. Later he moved to North India. He comes here during winter to spend at the houses of his followers for some days. He smokes about 50 cigarettes a day. He grows beard and wears simple white clothes). My maternal aunt Satyavathi and her son Hari (from village Tank Bead) already reached there. We knew that he went to Anakapalle on some work. He returned by 4:15 from there. I wondered to find the behavior of devotees at him. They are touching his feet with veneration. Some are kissing them in a devotional mood. They consider him as a God. The members of that family behave like his sons and daughters with him. I also believe in his holiness as a saint. I gave my questions (on three papers) on spiritual issues to him. He did not answer them. Had my supper there. I think visiting a saint like him is a good practice in this evil world. It helps us have mental peace, in the spiritual ambience, in the space of the presence of saint. My aunt and I spent talking with him for some time. Went to sleep by 10:00.

21 November (Thursday)

Woke up by 5:30. Got ready soon and prayed, touching the feet of the saint, for one minute, before starting to bus stop by main road. The bus arrived by 9:30. We reached home by 10:15. Night watched the Telugu programs “Aanandha Dhaara” and “Nera Prapancham” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Sympathy is a good human quality. It makes one understand the disadvantageous and helpless creatures of the world in a better way and respond accordingly toward them. Many are weak in their physical or mental abilities. We can’t rectify them even by our best efforts. It is enough if we do not ridicule them. We often dislike even to look at them. Everybody has some demerits and the ones that have more demerits than merits, often admire the ones with more merits than demerits. Healthy comedy helps one refresh oneself time to time”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

22 November (Friday)

Got up by 5:00. From 7:00 to 7:15 watched news and from 7:15 to 8:15 “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 9:00 to 11:00 spent at our Panchayat office. From 8:00 to 8:30 watched “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Peace can be established in a society when people live with fraternity and collective spirit. It happens when they shun their biases of community, class, language, religion and region in their daily coexistence with others in general, and testing times of their society or nation in particular. Human life on this soil is temporary. I don’t know why many are jealous of the happy and comfortable lives of others. Anguish arises in us when we want to achieve great things in minutes. Miracles rarely happen in human life and they only can reach ordinary people to extraordinary positions in days itself. Setting goals for ourselves based on realistic assessment of our abilities keeps us devoid of jealousy of joys of others around us. When we love comfortable lifestyles of other people, we forget about the poverty of our life. Both the rich and the poor can be happy in this way in the society. Following ideal pursuits secretly in our personal life gives us moral strength, which others can’t recognize but we can feel proud of it time to time. If we tell others that we are doing great things, they think we are boasting of ourselves, which we do not like to hear. They admire us when they know about our good qualities on their own. It does not mean that we should not explain others the good things we have done in our life, if they do not know or believe unless we reveal. We should use this channel only as the last resort when others are bombarding us about our cruelty or worthlessness as a human being in some respects. Being moderately philanthropic is desirable but suffering extremely about the woes of the world is avoidable. Unless ‘self’ is accorded importance against ‘society’, material advancement can’t take place. A rich person can do nothing after donating all his money to the poor. The poor know only to eat and live in their small domain. The rich know how to generate more money using their intelligence and applying their special skills. It is enough if they can help some people in their efforts to improve themselves. Equality can never be achieved in any nation. One improves or degrades according to one’s acts based on one’s intelligence and character. Achievement of equality through radical and irrational means by a state brings revolution and chaos and so it is avoidable. A peaceful state can be established when everybody loves as many people as possible around him or her with a broad mind. Being jovial with majority of the people in our familiarity can create a harmonious atmosphere for all”. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Izzatdaar” of Govinda and Madhuri Dixit. I did not watch it. Went to sleep by 9:00.

23 November (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched the programs “Vice President’s Visit to Manipur” and “Himalaya Watch” on Delhi Doordarshan. Spent sometime at our Panchayat office. Today the “Miss World 1996” beauty contest is taking place at Chinnaswamy Stadium in Bangalore. I watched the live telecast of this program on Doordarshan from 9:20 to 12:20. There are 88 contestants from different countries of the world. Various folk dances were presented on this occasion. By the end of the program ‘Miss Greece’ was crowned as ‘Miss World 1996’. From 5:00 to 8:30 watched the Hindi feature film “Chandra Mukhi” of Salman Khan and Sridevi on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 12:30.

24 November (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:30. Morning watched “Rangoli” and “Sri Krishna” programs on Delhi Doordarshan. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Super Star” and “Cine Laahiri” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Thereafter watched the Bengali feature film “Mahaa Prathibi” on Delhi Doordarshan. Evening watched Telugu feature film “Cowboy Number One” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it is “Kaartheeka Pournami”, an auspicious day according to Telugu calendar. Went to sleep by 8:30.

25 November (Monday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs from Vividha Bharati and Sri Lanka radio stations. Night watched the Telugu program “Kraanthi Rekha” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Originality and sacredness rarely appear in the present world. I do not know how it was once. If a boy and a girl are seen talking to each other frequently, the evil eyes around them spread rumors about them. Then both of them get hurt and stop that friendship also. This is how a good boy and a good girl fail to be either friends or lovers if evil society attacks them. Bad people secretly pursue their immoral acts. So, everybody respects them. The good can’t face the bad boldly but the bad can suppress the good very badly. Virtue takes a long time to prove its strength. Vice celebrates its success daily. A clash would thus always be on between good and bad. God always stands on the side of the good. This is why good wins ultimately in majority of the cases”. Went to bed by 9:00.

26 November (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:30. From 7:15 to 8:15 watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. By 10:00 started to Adduroad on bicycle. By 10:45 Lakshmi, mother of my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, and Kumari, the maternal aunt of the latter, got off from a bus. Three of us spent in Adduroad for sometime. By 1:30 we took a bus to village Gurrajupeta to see their relatives there. We spent there till 3:30. Came back to Adduroad by 4:00 in a tractor because there was no other transport facility. From Adduroad we went to the house of my paternal aunt Subhadra in Peda Gummuluru in auto rickshaw. We spent there for half an hour. We reached our house by 5:30 by bus. My maternal grandfather Subba Raju already came from Gollalagunta. Night watched the Telugu programs “Haalahalam” and “Ramu Somu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Went to bed by 9:00.

27 November (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Venkatapathi Raju, the maternal grandfather of my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, came from Molleru Mallavaram on a scooter by 8:40. Today, in our house, an auspicious occasion is taking place. It is the ceremony of introducing eating food (in Telugu it is called ‘Anna Prashnam’) to our little creature Sujan. It took place at 10:38 a.m. As usual, in a traditional manner, a book, a small knife, gold, flowers, a God’s photo, a pen, some homemade sweets, a few bananas, a few Gaarelu (a south Indian dish) and a few rupee notes were put on a mat. Sujan was left before them three times allowing him to crawl and touch them. He touched sweets, bananas and Gaarelu respectively. It is Hindu belief that his personal interests in future would be dependent on the nature of the items he touches now. After this event of touching his personal choices, one after one put a little amount of holy milk rice into his mouth. Akshathaas (turmeric mixed rice which symbolizes holiness and auspiciousness in Hindu culture) were placed on his head by all as a way of their blessings to him. Afternoon my grandfather from Molleru Mallavaram and I went to Gurrajupeta to see his relatives there. He left for Molleru Mallavaram from there on his scooter along with his associate. I returned home by 4:00 on bicycle. My brother Sambha and my two aunts from Mallavaram went to Adduroad and saw the Telugu film “Bhaaratheeyudu” in first show. My nephew Sujan is eight months old now. May Lord Gopal bless him a long, glorious and cheerful life. Night watched “Chithra Haar” on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 9:00.

28 November (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Today my aunts Lakshmi and Kumari, sister-in-law Sandhya Rani and my nephew Sujan are going to Molleru Mallavaram. I went to Adduroad to see them off. They took a Rajahmundry bound Express bus by 10:00. I returned home on bicycle and spent rest of the day at home. From 4:00 to 5:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Let me write a bit about my present condition. I am facing troubles financially at home. Even for one rupee, I have to depend upon my father or brothers. My father is uneducated. So, he can’t understand the financial needs of a creature like me. So, I decided to join Indian army for my independent financial life. I pray Lord Gopal to direct me well. Nobody recognizes my intelligence in our village. If I join army, I can try to improve myself in that job. Spent a calm day. Went to bed by 9:00.

29 November (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Morning watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Spent sometime at our Panchayat office. By 12:15 my maternal grandfather Subba Raju and I started to the house of my paternal aunt Subhadra at Peda Gummuluru on bicycle. She offered us some pieces of tasty and ripe papaya. Today I sent a registered letter to Shireen in New Delhi, the anchor of the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Thence both of us proceeded to Adduroad and saw the Telugu film “Bhaaratheeyudu” in the matinee show in cinema Venkatapathi Raju Mahal (he stopped seeing films about 40 years ago. This is the first and the last film I saw along with him. He came to cinema to see this film only on my special request and my motivation to him about the greatness of this film. This is one of the great achievements of my life as far as my personal life is concerned. He hates seeing films. He has his argument with him to support it. He came along with me to see this film only to honor my affection and care for him. I remain grateful to him for this). I troubled much to explain him the film when it was being shown on screen. We returned home by 6:10. Night watched the Telugu program “Chithra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Many problems crop up in the small house of a joint family. Newly married couples cannot live happily in such limited domestic space. I support nuclear families away from their parents after marriage in this regard. Being away from parents is desirable as long as both of them can live happily on their own. May God bless newly married couples”.  Went to bed by 9:00.

30 November (Saturday)

Got up by 5:20. Today my maternal grandfather went to Raja Venkata Nagaram to spend there for some days with the affection of his youngest daughter Raja Kumari. By 10:00 my uncle Narayana Murthy and I started to Gurrajupeta on his bicycle. We went to his mango garden. There are some coconut trees in it. He pulled a coconut from a tree. We had that water. Returned home by 2:50. From 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Umrao Jaan” of Rekha. I watched a small part of it. Today is the last day of this month. I am grateful to this month because it is carefully handling me to its following month, which is the last month in this year. Compromising with the present troubles, with the hope of finding a bright future, provides one with mental peace temporarily. This is what I did in this month. Went to bed by 10:00.

1 December (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:30. Morning watched “Rangoli” program on Delhi Doordarshan. Afternoon watched the Telugu program “Super Star” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Thereafter watched the Gujarati feature film “Kaanchan Ane Ganga” on Delhi Doordarshan. It was very good. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Raithu Bhaaratam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was interesting. Thereafter went to village Etikoppaka. The “Bandimaamba Annual Fair” is going on there this night. Returned late night from there. Went to sleep by 3:00.

2 December (Monday)

Got up by 6:30. All the day spent within the village. Morning spent sometime at our Panchayat office. From 8:45 to 9:45 listened to cine songs on radio. Afternoon watched the programs “Chitra Sumaalu”, “Shanti”, “Yug” and “Swaabhimaan” on Doordarshan. Today, Marri Chenna Reddy, who held various political positions in the state of Andhra Pradesh and at the center, passed away at 7:10 a.m. in Hyderabad due to heart problem. He is 80. On the weather front, it was announced that there is a low pressure over the Bay of Bengal, 550 kilometers away from Visakhapatnam, which might turn into a severe cyclone and ruin the coastal districts of Andhra Pradesh, like the one that recently occurred. The state government is taking all the initial precautionary measures to fight this disaster. Went to bed by 9:00.

3 December (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:30. From 8:30 to 9:30 listened to cine songs on radio. By 3:30 started to Adduroad on bicycle to carry out a domestic work. Returned home by 5:00. Night watched the Telugu programs “Haalahalam” (last part) and “Ramu Somu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it was cloudy and cool. Gales are blowing due to cyclone. It was announced that low pressure is concentrated over the Bay of Bengal, 300 kilometers away from Machilipatnam port. My thought follows, “Sadness and grief are two dangerous enemies in us. They generally occur when we are far away from our beloved ones. When we see the darker side of society or human life, we can’t be happy. We should always think about the happy side of the world around us if we want to be happy”. Went to bed by 9:00.

4 December (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 9:00 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Night watched the Telugu serial “Vennello Aada Pilla” (based on a novel of the eminent Telugu novelist Yandamuri Veerendranath) and “Chitra Haar” on Doordarshan. Today also it was cloudy and cool due to cyclonic effect. Gales are on. It rained in the afternoon. My thought follows, “Being a good person is difficult. One should not get hurt even if others behave badly toward one. One should treat all equally. One should serve the poor, being oneself rich, not enjoying one’s personal life. One should do one’s job calmly and dedicatedly even if others are ridiculing one’s tenacity or respect toward the task at hand or goal ahead. In the present society of evil and sin, it looks foolish on one’s part to be good always”. Went to bed by 9:00.

5 December (Thursday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 10:00 listened to cine songs on radio. Night watched the Telugu programs “Aanandha Dhaara” and “Nera Prapancham” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it was hot. My thought follows, “Natural calamities are warnings from God to the creatures on earth. Meteorological departments are trying their best to forecast bad weather and save the public from its effects. Yet nature often causes huge losses to humanity through floods, earthquakes, cyclones and volcanoes. The recent cyclone badly affected some regions of Andhra Pradesh despite precautionary measures of the alert state government. Many died and their property was damaged. Loss of life creates a lot of stress and pain in the hearts of those ruined in such disasters. Nobody can console them. Many good people donated a lot of money to help them recover from the attack of nature. But one thing is true that the huge amounts of funds being collected from various people and sources are not being properly reached to the affected. The middlemen swallow much part of it. They are mean, sinful, cruel and poisonous creatures on earth”. Went to bed by 9:30.

6 December (Friday)

Got up by 5:30. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. Night watched the program of Telugu cine songs “Chitra Lahari” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Dharm Aur Qanoon” of Dharmendra, Rajesh Khanna and Jayaprada. Watched it for one hour. My thought follows, “The present age is very fast and complex. The speed can be found in all aspects of human life. The development of technology led this generation into a strange world where a rich man becomes fat and dies of heart attack. On the other hand, majority of the villagers are in poverty supported by their drawbacks of ignorance, superstitions and narrow outlook toward life. But these people still hold some respect and affection for their neighbors unlike busy creatures in urban areas. Competition is a universal phenomenon now. It is in education, atrocities, unemployment, begging, cheating, manmade disasters, natural calamities, art, love and many other fields involving some or other kind of human interaction. Man’s wild and cruel desires to acquire more than the ‘other’ make him so”. Went to bed by 11:00.

7 December (Saturday)

Got up by 6:00. By 9:00 started to the house of my uncle Rama Raju at Raja Venkata Nagaram. Returned home by 1:00. Today, all over India, “Pulse Polio Immunization” program is going on, in which polio drops would be administered to children below the age of five. It is a national health program supported by the U.N.O. Anyhow physical deformity is a curse to any living creature on earth, be it a man, woman, animal or bird. Only a few sympathize with them. The victims remain low throughout their lives. Patience is essential for them to live in this world. Night watched the program “Ek Se Bad Kar Ek” and Hindi feature film “Majboor” on Delhi Doordarshan. Went to sleep by 12:00.

8 December (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Spent all my time at home. Today I did not watch television. My thought follows, “One that can see God in every creature and the entity of the world never gets scared at the phenomena of the cosmos. He can lead a happy life because he doesn’t hold hatred, fear or anger against anything”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

9 December (Monday)

Got up by 6:00. Afternoon went to Adduroad to bring the Telugu daily Vaartha for my maternal grandfather. Had my haircut there. Returned home by 5:00. Evening watched the Telugu programs “Family Planning” and “Nijam” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Today it is the last Kaartheeka Soma Vaaram (an auspicious day according to Telugu calendar). In this month, traditional Hindu girls and women spend their time worshipping God. My thought follows, “It must be said that in the recent times, even in India, which was once considered “Sacred India”, the family values deteriorated. Sons and daughters neglect their old parents. Though they toiled and earned much for the welfare of their younger ones, long ago, the latter are not ready to undergo any strain or pain for their parents now. Old people are treated as waste stuff by many in villages and cities. Some are leading repentant lives in old age homes”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

10 December (Tuesday)

Got up by 6:00. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 11:00 to 12:00 watched “The Live Telecast of The Question Hour of Rajya Sabha” on Delhi Doordarshan. Evening watched “Chitra Sourabhalu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the Telugu programs “Doctor Mamata” and “Ramu Somu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. My thought follows, “For achieving our goals, we must keep our mind in our control. Love should not be a pretext to escape from our course of duties of life. Similarity between two persons in terms of their notions and lifestyles is desirable to be good friends or lovers. When one aims at achievement of great goals, one must sacrifice many pleasures and comforts of one’s present life”. Went to sleep by 9:00.

11 December (Wednesday)

Got up by 6:00. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 11:00 to 1:00 watched the programs “The Live Telecast of Rajya Sabha Question Hour”, “Chitra Sumaalu” and “Pragathi Bhaaratham” on Doordarshan. From 3:00 to 3:30 watched the Hindi serial “Yug” on Delhi Doordarshan. From 7:30 to 8:30 watched the programs “Vennello Aada Pilla” and “Chithra Haar” on Doordarshan. My thought follows, “Art has great power. It can attract many people. Nobody remains beyond the boundaries of love for some art. Some artists earn and retain many fans and admirers. Even great personalities in various fields admire some art form. They unintentionally get attracted toward art. I believe art is God’s gift to humanity meant for keeping all happy. All great artists may not get their due recognition and fame in their lifetime. Possession of an artistic skill or admiration of art is an appreciable human quality”. Went to bed by 9:00.

12 December (Thursday)

Got up by 6:15. All the day spent within the village. Morning watched “Good Morning India” program on Delhi Doordarshan. From 8:30 to 10:00 and again from 4:00 to 5:30 listened to cine songs on radio. Today it was cloudy and cool. My thought follows, “Many say that the character of a man or woman is important and so one should check it before proceeding to develop any kind of relationship with others. I wonder to find this kind of public perceptions. The character of a man or woman can never be estimated through our rational calculations or imaginary notions based on their manners or visible characteristics. Every human being has his or her unique character. Even great scientists can’t understand all of its dimensions. So, for strong human relations to form, blind belief upon each other is necessary. Better if some truths related to the lives of others remain unknown to us forever. Among 100 people, only 30 or so can be good folks in all respects. Even they have many relationships with others means anybody can live in a corrupt and disorderly society”. Went to bed by 9:00.

13 December (Friday)

Got up by 6:00. All the day spent at home. From 11:00 to 3:30 watched the programs “Rajya Sabha Question Hour”, “Chitra Sumaalu”, “Okka Kshanam Aagandi”, “Shanti” and “Yug” on Doordarshan. From 6:00 to 6:30 watched the program “Chitra Gaana Tharangam” and “Chitra Lahari” from 7:30 to 8:30 on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Night the Hindi feature film on Delhi Doordarshan was “Joshilaay” of Sunny Deol, Anil Kapoor, Sridevi and Meenakshi Seshadhri. Watched a small part of it. My thought follows, “It is a common saying that life is a blend of hardships and pleasures. It is not true in respect of all people. Some people spend their lives in hardships only. Poor Indians belong to this category. We find some people who spend their lives happily throughout. The upper class people belong to this category. The problem in this sphere of finding who are happy and unhappy in the world is ‘how do we define happiness?’. Here happiness means ‘one never worrying about tomorrow’. People with many assets and intelligence can maintain this state of mind to a great extent because they know how to maintain, enhance and safeguard their health and wealth carefully”. Went to sleep by 10:30.

14 December (Saturday)

Got up by 6:00. Morning spent my time talking with my maternal grandfather at home. By 11:00 started to Etikoppaka Cooperative Sugar Factory at Darlapudi on bicycle to get information about the Charted Accountancy (C.A) course. Got the required information from an employee in this factory and returned home by 12:15. Immediately wrote a letter and started to Peda Gummuluru to post it to the Madras address of this institute dealing with this course. Went to Adduroad from there and spent there for three hours. Bought a New Year greeting card to send to Molleru Mallavaram soon. Also bought postcard size photos of Tabu, my present favorite film actress. Returned home by 4:00. By 5:00 again went to Adduroad and brought tablets for my maternal grandfather. Went to sleep by 9:00.

15 December (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Afternoon watched the Telugu programs “Super Star” and “Cinemaallo Villain” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. Evening watched the Telugu feature film “Parugo Parugu” on Hyderabad Doordarshan. It was good. Today my cousins Vasu and Naren spent at our house. This morning my maternal grandfather Subba Raju left for Gollalagunta. Went to sleep by 9:00.

16 December (Monday)

Got up by 6:00. Morning watched the program “Good Morning India” on Delhi Doordarshan. By 11:00 the postman delivered the call letter to me from the Madras Engineering Group and Center in Bangalore. My brother Srinivas applied to that centre, to which he belongs, to take me as a garden boy (Garden boy is a small position in Indian Army. They provide food and shelter to these candidates until they get recruited into army attending the selection process later. During their stay in the army area for some days, as garden boys, they get accustomed to the life of this profession. They would be paid nominal monthly stipend. Army personnel in service can send an application to their center of recruitment to take their brother/s as garden boy/s. Even ex-service men can utilize this facility. These creatures must possess the mandatory physical and educational qualities and qualifications to be called for this selection process. It seems to be a small gesture of gratitude to the army men in service by the government of India) five months ago, i.e., on 18 July, 1996. After a long wait, I have received this call letter. I must attend the garden boy selection test at that place in Bangalore by 7.30 a.m. on the 20th of this month. I have very little time. Rushed to Adduroad on bicycle to get my black and white passport size photos from Gopala Krishna photo studio. Then took an Express bus (at a fare of ten rupees) and went to Tuni. By 2:15 got a second-class ticket reserved at Tuni railway station for Circar Express for my journey to Madras Central from Samalkot railway station. The coach number is S5 and my berth number is 61. Returned to Adduroad soon and waited to collect my printed photos from the photo studio. There was power cut till the evening. So, I helplessly waited there till 5:20. By 8:00 went to our nearby village Penugollu and got my photos attested by the present head master of Government High School at Gunta Palli, who earlier worked as a head master of the Government High School at Darlapudi, when my brother Srinivas studied there. He believed in my character based on his familiarity with my brother as his student once and so doubtlessly signed on my photos. The army people require my photos to be attested by a gazette officer to believe in my candidature. Returned home by 9:00. Had my supper and went to sleep by 9:30.

17 December (Tuesday)

Woke up by 5:00. Got ready soon and started to NRPM railway station on bicycle along with my brother Sambha. I found his face sad because his beloved brother is going away leaving house and village for the sake of a job. We reached the railway station by 9:30. My Intermediate classmate Ramesh Kumar also came to see me off. Simhadri Express arrived by 9:50. Entrained into it and waved my hands at my brother when the train was distancing itself from the station. Ramesh accompanied me up to Tuni. I detrained at Samalkot station by 12:30. Spent much time on platform number one waiting for my train. By 1:30 went out and had my lunch at a small hotel. Bought a dozen bananas to eat during my train journey. Came back to the railway station by 2:15. Circar Express (running between Kakinada and Madras Central) arrived to platform number two by 3:30. Took it. Sat in the coach S5 on berth 61. This coach was not much crowded as such. The train was running toward Bhima Varam. Remained much of the nighttime awake to enjoy the journey looking out of the window.

18 December (Wednesday)

By 6:00 the train entered the state of Tamil Nadu crossing Arambakkam railway station. It does not stop at small stations. It reached Madras Central railway station by 8:00. Detrained and found that Brindavan Express for Bangalore had already left the station. Moved out of the station and walked for about one kilometer with my suitcase and reached Pondicherry Bus Stop. By 8:30 boarded a Rajiv Gandhi Transport Corporation Express bus and started toward Bangalore. This bus is running faster than those in our state of Andhra Pradesh. The distance between Madras and Bangalore by roadway may be about 300 kilometers. The bus reached Bangalore by 8:30 p.m. Got off it and took a city bus to Ulsoor. From there walked to the Training Battalion One of Madras Engineering Group and Center (MEG). It was already about 10:00 p.m. I was much tired. The army staff at the entrance gate did not allow me inside. I told them that I came to attend the garden boy selection test and that I don’t have relatives in the city to stay with. At last they permitted me in to sleep there for this night. I slept in the room of Launch Nayak Naga Raju of Tirupati who was a friend to my brother Srinivas during his service at Ambala Cantonment. 

19 December (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. Started walking toward Training Battalion III. The suitcase in my hand was heavy with luggage. I found it difficult walking with it. A scooterist, going that way, pitied me and dropped me at my destination. I kept my luggage in the Visitors Reporting Room at Training Battalion III (TB III in short). Refreshed myself, went out and had my breakfast at a hotel. Rest of the daytime I spent in that area only lying on cot, sitting for sometime and walking here and there for somehow killing my time. Afternoon went out and had my lunch at the same hotel. Evening bought black sports shorts for 68 rupees. Night my supper included one Parota (an Indian dish). I spent 250 rupees for my travel up to Tuni, for the reservation ticket and for the photos at Gopala Krishna Photo Studio in Adduroad. My father gave me 1900 rupees for my expenses. My mother gave me one kilogram of sugar to add in water and drink frequently. Anyhow I feel sad to be separated from my relatives and come here. Night slept in the room of a Launch Nayak. It is a little away from TB III. Slept by 9:30 utilizing his kindness for me.

20 December (Friday)

Woke up by 4:00. Got ready by 5:30 and started walking toward TB III with my luggage. Reached there by 6:15. Went out and had my breakfast of purees. By 7:00 started toward the Physical Training Ground (PT Ground in short) in TB III along with other candidates, where we have to face our ‘Physical’ selection test. About 60 candidates came from the states of Tamil Nadu, Karnataka, Kerala and Andhra Pradesh. All of us participated in one-mile running race. It was started by 9:30. One must finish it within 6 minutes and 20 seconds. I came last by grace of God. Then they asked us to walk on an elevated log balancing ourselves without falling down. Then the event of long jump took place. I did seven pull-ups later as part of that event. Then, in physical measurements, I was 54 kgs heavy, 166.5 c.m. tall and my chest was 82-87 (before and after breath). I succeeded in the ‘Physical’ test in garden boy selection. By 2:30 went to Aaram Ghar (resthouse for recruits) in TB I. I was not allowed to stay in it for this night. Thence I proceeded to a room by post office in TB II, which is meant for stay of new recruits like me. Had my supper at a nearby lunger (dining hall in the military jargon) and went to sleep by 9:00.

21 December (Saturday)

Woke up by 5:00. Got ready soon and had my breakfast. Walked toward Loomba Stadium in TB I where a written test would be conducted for the garden boy applicants. All of us sat in the lawn of the stadium. The question paper was given out by 9:30. This test is for 100 marks. The pass marks are 33. Mathematics carries 50 marks and General Knowledge 50 marks. The given time is 45 minutes. I did well in this test. My previous preparation of the N.E.R. book helped me in this regard. The results of the written test were announced there itself by 1:30. I passed in this test. They told us to be present at the CHQ (Central Headquarters) office by 8:00 a.m. on the 24th of this month to know about the nature of work as garden boys here. I went back to the room in TB II beside post office. Had my supper there. Went to sleep by 9:30.

22 December (Sunday)

Woke up by 5:30. Spent much of my time within the room in Training Battalion II. Evening went to Jawan Stores along with Srinivas of Bobbili (an acquaintance) and bought a book, a toilet soap and shaving material for me. It all cost me 200 rupees. Wrote letters to my parents, brother Srinivas, my friends and posted them. Went to sleep by 9:30.

23 December (Monday)

Woke up by 5:00. All the day spent within the premises of TB II. By 1:00 went to the Jawan Stores and bought two New Year greeting cards. Came back to post office and wrote words of greeting on white papers in the greeting cards. These greeting cards are to send to my parents and my brother Srinivas. Already, at our house, I prepared a greeting card to send to my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani. These three greeting cards must be posted in three or four days’ time. Today I spent much of my time talking with Y Srinivasa Rao of Bobbili. He told me to be gutsy. My face turned dim. My heart is heavy with homesickness. I did not cry, the only difference. He told me to have friendly relations with all around me. He advised me to be patient and face anything with a bold spirit. He cautioned me not to depend upon others for any personal needs. I may help others but should not be in a position to expect help from others. I am grateful to him for his brotherly treatment toward me for the last three days. I am grateful to my Lord Gopal who blest me with success in the garden boy selection tests. Went to sleep by 9:00. 

24 December (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Had my breakfast by 7:00 and started to CHQ office in Training Battalion I. By 10:00 we were allowed to sit in the shade before the security office. By 1:30 they verified our original educational certificates. By 2:00, the 50 candidates, who were selected as garden boys, were divided into three groups to be sent to three battalions in this training center, to stay and work there as garden boys. By 2:30 I went out and had my lunch for 12 rupees at a hotel. By 4:30, 18 candidates of us, assembled at the BHM office. They told us to stay as garden boys in the Garden Boys’ Room in Depot Battalion. We went there and kept our luggage. Four Telugu speaking candidates from Cuddapah and Chittoor districts of Andhra Pradesh are also staying with me. About 12 candidates of Kerala and Tamil Nadu are also staying in our room. Food is not good here. Affectionate relations are seldom found here. Went to sleep by 9:30.

25 December (Wednesday)

Got up by 5:00. Took a bath by 6:30. Had my breakfast at lunger by 7:00. By 9:00 all of us were directed to the BHM office. From 9:30 to 11:30 we did the work of watering plants in the rose garden. It was behind bhm office. We watered plants with pails of water exchanging them from one to one standing one after another maintaining some distance between us. By 12:00 we returned to our room. I wrote letters to my parents, my maternal grandfather Subba Raju, my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani, my teacher uncle Venkata Rama Raju in Jaggampeta and a few friends. I posted them at the nearby post office. Then I bought a pair of canvas shoes, one bucket and one garden boy vest at the nearby Maaya Bazaar Canteen. Evening we worked in the rose garden. We carried manure to some distance for plants there. From 4:00 to 5:30 watched the Hindi feature film “Dil” on Delhi Doordarshan One in our nearby Information Room. Today it is Christmas. May Lord Christ bless His devotees. My prayers to Lord Gopal. Went to sleep by 9:30.

26 December (Thursday)

Got up by 5:00. From 5:30 to 6:00 all of us had jogging for some two kilometers. Thereafter we moved to the rose garden for watering plants. By 7:30 we returned to our room. We refreshed ourselves and had the breakfast of chapatis. By 9:00 I had my haircut in a nearby hair salon. He left very short hair on my head (to make me look suitable to army) and collected two rupees for that work. Today I washed two pairs of my clothes before morning bath. From 2:00 to 6:00 we worked in the army quarters of a Havildar from Kerala. His house number is 72. Sweeping dusty rooms and then cleaning them with water was included in that work there. It was left unused for about two months. This Havildar comes into this house soon along with his family. We cleaned it well and made it fresh. Today I posted three New Year greeting cards to my parents, my brother Srinivas and my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani. I came here for a job. I hurried myself and prayed my Lord Gopal to direct me soon to Bangalore. He did it. Here also directing me well is His duty. I prayed Him. Went to sleep by 9:00.

27 December (Friday)

Woke up by 5:00. Got ready soon. We had jogging for about two kilometers. Then we moved to the rose garden and did the watering work there till 7:00. Then we returned to our room. Had breakfast of purees at lunger. By 8:30 we moved to Information Room to attend our education class. An army officer taught us doing sums given in the N.E.R. book. By 10:00 we started to the rose garden. We did not do any work there. We sat calmly in the shade of trees there and returned to our room by 1:30. We had our lunch. By 3:00 we went back to the rose garden and did the watering work exchanging the pails of water from one to one. By 5:15 we returned to our room. Took a bath by 6:00. The uniform of garden boys here is a green half-sleeve vest and khaki shorts. We are the most junior ones to others here serving in the army. My prayers to Lord Gopal to direct me well. Went to sleep by 9:00.

28 December (Saturday)

Got up by 5:00. From 6:00 to 6:30 we had jogging for about two kilometers. Thereafter we did watering work in the rose garden for one hour. We returned to our room by 8:30 and had our breakfast. By 9:00 we attended our education class in our nearby Information Room. By 10:00 we went back to rose garden. Thence they took us to Army Dairy Farm in a vehicle. There we cleaned cattle sheds with water. By 1:30 we returned from there in the army vehicle and had our lunch at MF Company. From 3:00 to 5:30 we did watering work in rose garden. My prayers to Lord Gopal to direct me well. My prayers to Mother Saraswati to give me a sharp brain. Spent a good day. Went to sleep by 9:30.

29 December (Sunday)

Woke up by 6:00. Morning watered plants in rose garden along with my associates. Evening too did that work. I pray God to be kind to me and direct me always. My prayers to Mother Saraswati. My salutes to Lord Krishna. Went to sleep by 9:00.

30 December (Monday)

Got up by 5:00. We did jogging and physical exercises from 5:30 to 6:00. Then we did a little gardening work. Had breakfast of purees at lunger by 7:30. From 8:30 to 9:30 we attended our education class in the Information Room. Today he conducted a test to us. I did it well. Morning and afternoon we did watering work in the rose garden. As this fantastic English year 1996 is going to bid farewell to me very soon, I like to write something about how it directed me. Lakshmi, a good girl, whom I admired, became spouse to another one. I am trying to forget her. May God bless her. I spent this year happily, listening to cine songs on radio and watching television at our house. The advent of baby Sujan into our family brought us joy. I spent with him happily for some days. My best wishes to Sowjanya, a beautiful girl, and sister of my sister-in-law Sandhya Rani. During the last part of this year, I came to Bangalore for my job. May Lord Gopal direct me here. I am sad to be away from my folks. Anyhow it is a wonderful year in my life. Went to sleep by 9:00.

31 December (Tuesday)

Got up by 5:00. Morning we did jogging for two kilometers. Today also, as usual, I attended my scheduled duties along with my associates. As this is the last day of this year, I express my gratitude to my Lord Gopal who looked after me well throughout this year. My prayers to Mother Saraswati, who directed me well, blessing me with success in all my academic pursuits. I did well in the Lawcet. I got an opportunity to study at S V Krishna College in Visakhapatnam. My prayers to Lord Ganapathi, who directed me well in everything, like education, journeys and health, without creating obstacles, which disturb my flow of simple life. My salutes to my teachers and lecturers who donated enlightenment to me. I am touched to bid farewell to this beautiful year in my life which never returns to me to treat me again with its sweet love for me. My sad send-off to you my dear 1996. I am being off from you with tears in my eyes. I am thankful to this diary of 1996 in my life, which recorded the events of this year in it. Went to sleep by 9:00.

Annual Review

Everywhere and every time my Lord Krishna directed me. He made me move to Gollalagunta for my education after my second standard in village Kothuru. I spent there well and completed my seventh standard. He blessed me with 409 marks in it. Then he guided me to take the entrance examination for admission into A P Residential School. I did not do well in that entrance test. Yet he gave me an excellent opportunity, in the form of waiting list, for bettering my education at Dr. D S Raju Andhra Pradesh Residential School, in Bhoopatipalem, among hills. I improved myself studying there. I could learn Hindi well there. All these good things happened in my life only because God was kind to me. My salutes once again to Him! He blessed me with 473 marks in my tenth standard. At the same time, he rendered me a blow of failure in the Polytechnic entrance test in which I got 93494th rank.

One year elapsed silently after my tenth standard. I joined Government Junior College at Elamanchili in August, 1994. I am happy at the marks I got in my first year Intermediate. I got a good name in our college due to this. I felt very happy at it. I witnessed failure in my Lower Grade Typewriting Examination. It disturbed me a little. Meanwhile admiration developed in me for Lakshmi. I met her parents on 8 January, 2006, and 10 February, 2006, to express my admiration for her. They hurt me with their unkind and misleading reaction. This created aversion in me toward Lakshmi. God did not help me. He remained silent to make me a fool. He knew that my admiration for her is true. However, He did not bless me with success in this regard. He left me in despair for sometime. He made me sad for long. He did not like to take me to Him. He did not behave kindly toward me. He filled my life with tears and fears about my present and future. I could not find anybody else to share my heartstrings. He proved a cheat. I depended on His name. He did not like my love for Him. He kept me gloomy for long. I remained a victim.


Address of the year:

D Chiranjeevi Raju,
Depot Battalion,
BHM Office,
MEG & Center,
Bangalore.
Pin: 560 042.

© 2011 Datla Chiranjeevi Raju